11.09.2010
I know that most of us fear change. Habit, however good or bad, gives us comfort and stability. I’m no stranger to being a creature of comfort. What I’m also no stranger to is fierce and radical change.
I think I’m the only person I know who’s lived in the same place for 27 years except for maybe my grandmother but even that’s questionable. I also think it’s strange for a child to live in the same place he/she grew up instead of a parent raising a family in one place and staying there until an assisted living-type of situation occurs or death.
In 2006, Rob and I discussed moving and even went house hunting on and off for two years but despite my occasional interest in a house, there was much resistance on my part. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? (Notice I said, “my.”) Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Are you serious?
When I quit my job two years ago, we still looked around because the hope of me finding another job was still high. But the economy tanked and I’ve only had a few temp jobs. Needless to say, we stopped looking.
About 12 months ago, an emotional shift within me began to grow. I realized a few months ago how stagnant I feel. I also feel that Rob and I can’t grow emotionally as a couple if we continue to live here much longer. I grew up in this apartment. My family was raised. My memories are embedded in these walls, and it doesn’t matter how many times I change their color or repaint them or rearrange the furniture, the tentacles of my past restrain me.
I’ve reached a point where I want, where I need some sort of a major change. I swear I do everything backwards because couldn’t this realization come to me three years ago when I was working?
Earlier today I found myself meditating on this topic of change particularly as it pertains to work. The notion of “change” led me to think about a friend who’s pregnant and another who went into labor today. I thought about pregnancy and how that would certainly classify as “major change.” This made me think about the growing baby in my friend and caught myself with a smile on my face instead of the usual look of repulsion I have. Pregnancy and the physical change it produces still terrify me but I was in a rare moment of vulnerability when thinking about it.
I don’t know what the future holds but I also know my pattern and when I seek change, it’s radical, it’s unconventional, and it’s almost always life-changing. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? Yes. Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Yes. Are you serious? Very.
Have a kid? “Break the rules, go with your heart, the world is wide and anything…anything…can happen.”[1]
[1] Advertisement slogan, 1997.
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