11.14.2010
I’m currently reading Barbara Walters’ memoir, Audition, and I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. It’s a rather thick book and all I think about is that it'll take me years to finish.
A few days ago, I came across her chapter where she writes about adopting her daughter, Jackie. I admire Barbara Walters on so many levels and grew up watching her on ABC’s 20/20 with Lynn Sherr (whose bio I read last year) and Hugh Downs, and Barbara was part of the group of women who trail blazed a path for women in journalism and the entertainment industry. So needless to say, what she had to say in this chapter on becoming a mother overnight was something I paid close attention to. She writes
…Is there a working mother on earth who doesn’t [feel guilt]? Mine was compounded in the sixties and seventies by the fact that working mothers like me were still a minority. These days the pendulum has swung so far the other way, toward work, that sizable numbers of mothers are leaving the workforce to stay home with their children. There is no perfect solution. Just exhaustion. And, my favorite word, guilt. I am known for saying that you can’t have it all – a great marriage, successful career, and well-adjusted children – at least not at the same time. It’s a bit easier today because there are employers who are more flexible, who may let you work part-time, and there are BlackBerries so you can work wherever you are, and there are husbands who will change diapers. But it’s still a balancing act and probably always will be.[1]
I obviously can’t relate to the feelings of guilt but I’ve certainly heard from mothers growing up and now friends who are moms that there is horrible guilt that comes with leaving a child behind to go work. I wonder if fathers feel the same way?
The sentence that really stuck out for me was that she said you “can’t have it all.” This is a fear and not because I happen to “have it all” now, because I don’t, but to not be successful in all areas of my life is what scares me. I tend to see more people abandon everything in their lives because of their kids. Marriages fall apart because the couple has stopped spending time with each other and/or there’s no advancement at work because the kids take up too much time and dedication. You can only focus on so many things at once and, when you have kids, they become your focus. If they don’t, there’s the possibility of contributing to their not being well-adjusted. It’s nice that Barbara made it a point to say that it’s slightly easier today with the changes in technology and that there are more men willing to step up with responsibility but the need for constantly managing a balancing act concerns me. But I suppose…that in of itself isn’t that different from how I live my life now. I may not have kids but I’m constantly balancing my priorities and not every part of my life gets 100% of my focus every moment of every day. And I’m well aware that success is something you have to work at and no one “has it all.” Nor do I think would I necessarily want that. Happiness is more important.
Looking at it this way, life with a kid doesn’t seem to be such a monstrous task. It’s just an adjustment and Lord knows I go through multiple adjustments a day. All you can do is your best, that’s all that anyone (should) asks for.
[1] Walters, Barbara Audition: A Memoir, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2008, p. 170.
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