Contemplating Life Without Children

02.21.2011

I think I’ve written about this before but I recently revisited the question, “How do you feel about not having kids at all?”

In my 20s, I would’ve offered a definitive answer that it doesn’t bother me. A decade or so later, I’m on the fence sometimes leaning in one direction and sometimes in the other. But the one thing I can definitely say right now is the notion of not having kids scares me more than having them because projecting into the future about 20 years it saddens me to see only Rob and me in the picture. I know that friends can become family and you can have an active life without children. I get it; I understand because Rob and I have lived such a life for 10 years now.

I was thinking about the show Brothers & Sisters that, I have to admit, has become a ridiculous soap opera, but I love the cast and so I continue to watch. But I was thinking about it today because I was thinking about Sally Field’s character and how now, with her husband dead, she lives her life day in and day out and how much more it’s fulfilled with her children. It’s hard to explain. I’m sure she’d be happy without her children (because she wouldn’t know otherwise) but there’s something about having her kids to lean on in difficult times or having her kids laugh with her in good times.

I also know that you can’t predict what kind of a relationship you’d have with your kid. I’d say my relationship with my mom (now) is pretty good. But she’s no longer in the States so the memories we create together are very few for the remainder of her (or my) life. I’d like to think I’d develop a good relationship with my kid(s) and I certainly want to be around in their adult years and see their kid(s) grow up. Jobs, career, money, cars, houses, etc will always be there in some form or another but what solidifies one’s existence is family. I think about the childless couples and wonder when a spouse dies, what’s left?

An All-Around Oddball

01.20.2011

One of Rob’s cousins is having her baby in two months and I was thinking about what it must be like being in your last trimester. I then momentarily put myself in her shoes (as best I could, of course) and thought, “I’d have about 8 weeks left until the baby is born.”

I freaked out. I mean f-r-e-a-k-e-d out with slightly altered breathing. I had to remind myself that I was only conducting a mental exercise. I think I’m probably the only person on the planet that is this terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like this makes me such a weak individual and that those women who’ve given birth have some sort of a special power for which I got passed over.

I mean, most women can’t wait to a mom. I, obviously, can.

Most women want to be depended on. Just the idea of that makes me cringe.

Most women have a checklist of things they want to accomplish with a family (like have kids, buy a house, kiddie sleepovers, etc). I never made a checklist like that but I certainly have a checklist of the things I want to accomplish.

There are women who can’t stop having babies. I tip-toe around contemplating if I should just have one.

These and other things I’ve observed over the years make me feel inadequate as a woman, like I’m missing some sort of a screw somewhere in the maternal department. I’ve certainly grown more comfortable with the idea of having kids in the last 10 months or so; there’s no argument there. But I still haven’t felt that spark that women talk about. It’s more like, “Well, I’m about to turn 36, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it.”

Is that any way to start a family?

I sometimes watch the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress and there have been brides who tried on dresses and despite their family and friends saying they look amazing, the brides say they don’t feel that “wow factor” that they say you have to feel when you find a dress that’s “the one.” That’s how I feel on the topic of having kids. I don’t feel that “must-have-a-kid-wow factor.” And I feel like that’s wrong somehow, even makes me feel slightly cheated. Although, thinking back to my own wedding, I was the oddball bride who did not care AT ALL what my dress looked like, all I cared about was that my mom made it. I had the world’s most simple dress because, to me, it wasn’t about the dress. It was about sealing my love, commitment and friendship with Rob.

So there you have it. Odball all around. Sigh…

Mother Polar Bear and Her Cub

10.15.2010

Today has been one of those days…

Siblings, Jesus and a Funeral

10.10.2010

Attended a funeral yesterday of my mom’s really good friend… I sat in church with my sister and waves of tears would come over fueled by memories of this friend and my mom. She (my mom) moved two years ago to Eastern Europe putting an even deeper schism in what was left of my family. I know that Rob is my nuclear family now but sometimes, it would be nice to have the entirety of my former nuclear family nearby.

While we waited in line at the funeral to hug the friend’s sister, my sister turned to me and said, “You better live forever” to which I promptly responded, “Uh-duh. The same goes for you. And it’s promise we must fulfill because we’ve said it in front of Jesus.” We both chuckled, eyes welling up.

With my mom so far away and the opportunities to see her being so few and far in between, I feel even more lucky to have my sister with me. It then got me thinking again about the pluses of having a sibling. It’s apparently not enough for me to sit on a teeter-totter on the issue of whether or not we should have one child that there is also the issue of if you do have a child, do you only have one?

Great. I’ll have to start another blog. Sigh…

Momentary Writers Bloc

09.09.10

Today is a continuation of yesterday; however, for different reasons. In the span of about 10 days, the L.A. Lithuanian community lost 4 people. I know 3 of these people who died, two of whom are from my childhood. One of the deaths really took me by surprise and I’ve been in a bit of a daze all day so I can’t quite sit down and write out anything. I will tomorrow…