An All-Around Oddball

01.20.2011

One of Rob’s cousins is having her baby in two months and I was thinking about what it must be like being in your last trimester. I then momentarily put myself in her shoes (as best I could, of course) and thought, “I’d have about 8 weeks left until the baby is born.”

I freaked out. I mean f-r-e-a-k-e-d out with slightly altered breathing. I had to remind myself that I was only conducting a mental exercise. I think I’m probably the only person on the planet that is this terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like this makes me such a weak individual and that those women who’ve given birth have some sort of a special power for which I got passed over.

I mean, most women can’t wait to a mom. I, obviously, can.

Most women want to be depended on. Just the idea of that makes me cringe.

Most women have a checklist of things they want to accomplish with a family (like have kids, buy a house, kiddie sleepovers, etc). I never made a checklist like that but I certainly have a checklist of the things I want to accomplish.

There are women who can’t stop having babies. I tip-toe around contemplating if I should just have one.

These and other things I’ve observed over the years make me feel inadequate as a woman, like I’m missing some sort of a screw somewhere in the maternal department. I’ve certainly grown more comfortable with the idea of having kids in the last 10 months or so; there’s no argument there. But I still haven’t felt that spark that women talk about. It’s more like, “Well, I’m about to turn 36, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it.”

Is that any way to start a family?

I sometimes watch the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress and there have been brides who tried on dresses and despite their family and friends saying they look amazing, the brides say they don’t feel that “wow factor” that they say you have to feel when you find a dress that’s “the one.” That’s how I feel on the topic of having kids. I don’t feel that “must-have-a-kid-wow factor.” And I feel like that’s wrong somehow, even makes me feel slightly cheated. Although, thinking back to my own wedding, I was the oddball bride who did not care AT ALL what my dress looked like, all I cared about was that my mom made it. I had the world’s most simple dress because, to me, it wasn’t about the dress. It was about sealing my love, commitment and friendship with Rob.

So there you have it. Odball all around. Sigh…