Should Parents Know If Their Teen is Having Sex?

01.01.2011

Our TV was out of commission for most of December and though this was a blessing in disguise, I did get backed up on some of my shows. One of those shows is Men of a Certain Age. I love Ray Romano, what I can say.

Last week’s episode brought up an interesting issue with teenagers. Ray Romano’s character catches his daughter’s boyfriend naked in the bathroom and realizes that his daughter’s having sex. When he confronts her about it she says a bunch of different things including, “You didn’t expect me to be a virgin when I went to college?” and “Mom knows.” It’s this response that bugs me.

Ray Romano’s character and his wife are divorced and the kids mainly live with their mother. He realizes that his daughter’s been using his place to have sex. When he tries to talk over with his wife the issue of their daughter having sex, she’s rather blasé about it. He tells her she should’ve told him but the wife disagrees. She says their daughter confided in her and asked not to tell him. This makes him angry and insists that their daughter having sex affects him too and he should’ve known about it.

I found myself siding with him but when I imagined myself being put in the mother’s shoes, I wasn’t so sure. If Rob and I had a daughter and she confided in me that she was having sex, for example, would I share that information with Rob? I think I should. But what if the daughter asks for confidentiality? How do you tow the line? You, as a parent, want to make sure you keep the line of communication open with your kid(s) so you don’t want to betray him/her. But I think while the kid is living in your house, both parents need to be aware of his/her actions.

In the show’s case, the daughter was using her dad’s absence during the day to have sex. This is wrong on so many levels and the fact that it’s happening at the dad’s place the daughter’s involved him. What if something happened to either her or her boyfriend? The dad would be held liable. Ok, so I’m going into lawyer territory here (I’m a lawyer’s wife), but I think the writers on the show dismissed an entire issue and they shouldn’t have. I sometimes feel that our society is more favorable toward women on these issues because of “women power” and I don’t agree. Not when it inhibits one parent from being a parent or pits one parent against the other. I think the dad had every right to being angry. He can’t make the decision for his daughter whether or not to have sex but he should’ve been made aware of it.

Holding Parents Accountable

09.18.2010

The topics of education, our children’s future and our investment in it have been a passion of mine since I was a kid. Part of the reason is because my mom was a teacher. I grew up witnessing the demands, pressures and rewards that come with serving in education. I myself could only handle it for two years, and the only thing I miss is working with students, though, I try finding different ways of working with them.

As a former full-time educator, and one who still teaches once a week, I think it’s outstanding that steps are being taken to hold teachers accountable. Yes, the current steps don’t take the entire picture into consideration but they’re steps that can re-shaped and reconfigured. Think of all the teachers you’ve had and I’m sure you can think of at least one that should not have been teaching. We make sure that our educators are properly trained and certified so that they can enter a classroom but there’s no guarantee that how they pass along the information will be successful.

Now, what about parents? No one wants to touch this issue but I will. Anyone can be a parent. There is no class you have to take, no lessons to prepare, no certification needed. I understand that enforcing this is impossible because there’s no way to have one manual on parenting, but when are parents going to take responsibility for their and their kid’s behavior? It starts with admitting to who your kid is really. Too many parents convince themselves their kid can do no wrong or has no challenges.

As a teacher, I can immediately figure out what parents value and I can tell what’s going on between them (whether they’re getting along or not). The only other person your kid spends a huge amount of time with (if not more) is a teacher. I’m not saying teachers know it all; they don’t. But the issues you have at home play out in the classroom and a teacher has to deal with it throughout the school day. If you had a bad morning and took it out on your kid, the teacher will have to console or discipline. Abuse happening at home? The teacher deals with it by either trying to get a withdrawn child to focus on his/her work or stop him/her from bullying other kids. Do you know how much time and energy this takes up often during class time? Because of one child’s misbehavior, 20-30 students pay the price.

I’m so tired of teachers getting spat on and looked at as having the easiest job in the world based only on the facts that the day “ends” at 2:30/3 o’clock and that they get so many vacations. You know what I did Thanksgiving 2001? Graded papers the entire 4 days. My 10-day Christmas vacation? Filled with researching projects and lessons. A typical week was 60 hours and my annual salary was $25K with no pay during the summer. This isn’t a “woe is me” story. I would just like to see parents be held more accountable and admit if their kid is having problems (emotional, a learning disability, or something else) because if you don’t try to fix something, it’ll get worse. I promise you. Look at the state of our education system now. No one wants to step forward and say, “Enough. We are in this together. Who is with me?”

The Forever Relationship That Defines You

07.19.2010

I picked up this month’s Psychology Today because of it’s cover article on siblings and how your relationship with them shapes who you are. I never looked at it that way but it was for me one of those “well, duh,” moments. I want to share the top 3 nuggets I found most interesting (though the whole article is pretty good).

1) “Siblings are born to compete for parental attention, and the strategies they use wind up encoded in personality. Small wonder it can take a lifetime to work out sibling relationships.”[1]

2) “Children only seem to share the same family environment. In reality, they inhabit radically different microenvironments.”[2]

3) “…parents invariably claim they treat their kids equally, even though children can’t possibly experience their care equally, as they are at different levels of understanding. Parents are quick to deny differential treatment of their kids, says Cal State’s Heidi Riggio, because it is difficult and painful for them to think about how they may have failed their children, whose experiences of favoritism are incorporated into identity.”[3]

My responses:

1) This is one of the “duh” moments because it totally makes sense that siblings would compete for parental attention. What’s surprising, to me, is that I never put it into context. I never realized that my determination to be the absolute best in everything that I do, my drive to compete in whatever I put my mind to, may actually have something to do with the fact that once my sister was born, I had to now compete for attention. I may have been 7 years older but I still needed care and attention but, as most eldest kids will tell you, I got looked over because I was “old enough” to take care of myself. My sister, as the baby, needed attention and, not to mention, her incessant screaming needed tending to. That was probably her way of competing with me and she continuously won. (Either that or she was laying the groundwork for her amazing singing voice that she inherited from my mom and grandfather.)

2) I noticed this within my own family a while ago and it doesn’t matter how many times I may think about it, it still astounds me. My sister and I are so totally and completely different. And what I never ever took into consideration is that a huge reason for our differences is probably in how differently our mom treated us. My reality of what our family is or was and the moments within that are vastly different from my sister’s. I already knew that my mom and I remembered certain situations differently (or she didn’t remember some things at all) but I never considered that my sister’s and my reality re: our family could be different and, therefore, would alter us in different ways. And it is, of course, because we were at “different levels of understanding.” I just always took for granted that because we grew up in the same family that our experience had to be the same.

3) I remember disliking hearing my mom say that she loved us both the same because those words didn’t necessarily reflect in how she treated us. I don’t doubt that she loved us but I don’t think it’s possible to love your children in exactly the same way. Hell, I once worked with a boss who hated his middle child (and apparently the feeling was mutual). The article touched up on the facts that even if parents attempted to treat their children equally, it wouldn’t happen because you couldn’t possibly do that. As the parent, you see yourself acting in one way but the child’s (or children’s) interpretation of your actions is going to be different.

I always thought that if Rob and I had kids, we would need to have 2 so that the single child wouldn't feel alone (although I/we do plan on adopting one day if we’re going that route). And I convinced myself that I would do everything in my power to treat the children as equally as possible…but apparently, this article debunks that. I don’t think parents shouldn’t try but I think it’s important to remember that whatever you do, there are going to be issues. What I can’t stress enough (because this I certainly didn’t experience) is that it’s important as a parent to not only identify the strengths and talents of your children and do what you can to support them in those but most importantly discover what your child’s passions are and cultivate those.

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[1] Marano, Hara Estroff, Psychology Today, August 2010, p. 54.

[2] p. 56.

[3] p. 61.

Can't We Have A Conditional Relationship?

06.21.2010

A screening of Iron Man 2 was playing at Rob’s work tonight and so he took me to go see it knowing that it was one of my anticipated movies of the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and a lady’s eyes can never get tired of looking at good ol’ Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

Next to us sat a co-worker of Rob’s who had brought her adorable little boy. He was about 5 years-old, maybe even 4 (I’m horrible at judging kids’ ages) and I figured the movie must’ve been such a treat for him to see. Rob often tells me that superheroes and comic books are greatly important to little boys.

I found myself wishing that it were normal to have a kid conditionally. I know that totally defeats the purpose of parenting and bonding, etc., etc. But, it would be nice to enjoy the child when I wanted to and then he/she could just, you know, “go back.” Uh, “Where?” you ask? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

The thing is, I really do like and enjoy kids. And, oddly, most kids take to me. I find a kinship with them. I feel like my true silly of a personality can come out with them and no one passes judgment on me. I can play with imaginary friends, build castles out of couch cushions, and become a knight with a shield and a sword fighting off dragons. I LOVE this kind of stuff. I just don’t want the responsibility of having to give up so much of my time to do all the “extras” that involve kids (dealing with tantrums, negotiations, toys everywhere, food issues…I could keep going…)

I know you gotta take the good with the bad. I understand that logically. But I like coming and going as I please. I like having to only worry about myself, my husband, and the cats. I like being able to sleep in if I want to. I like not having to worry about meltdowns at a supermarket and watching everyone stare at me like I’m the worst mother in the world.

But I also understand that in 10 years from now, there’s a strong chance I’ll reflect on my 30s with great regrets like I do when I reflect on my 20s. I never thought I’d get married and I never wanted a family of my own. I was always career oriented though I did absolutely nothing to take any steps to reach my career goals (though I'm doing that now). What I did instead was meet an amazing man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That threw a wrench into my whole vision of how I saw my future but I wouldn’t trade any decisions that led me to him for anything in the world.

Couldn’t a child affect in the same way?

Communicate It, Baby

05.12.2010

During my class tonight, a friend and I talked about how we both caught that the instructor was very frustrated with us; in fact, quite irritated. I told my friend that, having been a teacher, I feel I can recognize his frustrations and the reasons for them. I suspect that he is not a seasoned instructor and there are definite holes in how he teaches and these holes came up to the surface as we were talking about next week’s final. No one was really asking questions about the final and there were many quiet moments where we were all staring at each other – and those moments are always painful for me cause I’ve been there. But, as an instructor, when you get frustrated with students it could be one of two reasons:

1) A student or two is not listening to what you’re saying and keeps repeating the same question even well after you’ve answered it. (This is not your fault.)

2) You have not gone over the material in a sufficient manner and most of your students are confused and, as a result, don’t know how to communicate that to you because they have no idea how to even formulate the right questions to ask. (This is your fault.)

I have experienced both scenarios and this is why it’s so important to know how to read the blank stares on your students’ faces. It’s also important to be humble enough to admit when you’ve done a crappy job at teaching something.

Ok, so how does this all relate to children? On may long ride home from class, I started thinking about how parenting is really one, life-long teaching job. I never saw myself as a “teacher” when I worked as an educator full-time. I always liked to think of myself as a “guide” – I believe we have the answers within us; we just need the right guide to help us find them. That’s how I approached teaching and I always saw my students as my guide. I anticipate that I’ll approach parenting in the same manner and how what happened in the classroom tonight really underscores how important communication is in every aspect of our lives. It also underscores how so many of us can suck at it, including me, and it is sort of interesting how we hear how important it is and, yet, it’s one of the most difficult things to do.

You Are Not Your Child's "Friend"

04.24.2010

Sometimes I get a little tired of all the parents who are trying to be their children’s friends. We all want to be liked and we all convince ourselves throughout our lives that once we’re gonna be parents we’re gonna be the “cool” parents and that our kids won’t be embarrassed by us like we were by our parents.

Well, that ain’t ever going to happen. Kids are going to be embarrassed by their parents no matter what. So I think it’s better to acknowledge that you’re a parent and that you’re the adult so it’s your job to set the rules, the boundaries, and, in order to instill these rules and boundaries, you’re gonna have to be the “bad cop” sometimes.

As a full-time teacher and then 7 years of teaching at Lithuanian school, I have seen too many parents care more about pleasing their child in the world of extra curricular activities than in education. Why can’t there be a balance and rules and consequences set up?

There are plenty of kids whose grades are falling to the wayside and yet there is absolutely no price to pay for that. Kids still get to go to b-day parties, field trips, or other such extra activities that, when I was growing up, were reserved as extras once certain responsibilities were taken care of. It’s kind of like doling out trophies to everyone who participated in a sports event because it’s politically correct. We don’t want to “offend” any child and make them “feel badly” about themselves. Give me a break! If a child doesn’t learn priorities and that certain things are rewards for working hard then how is that child going to become a productive and responsible adult?

Grades aren’t everything, I certainly know that. And Lord knows that I was such a poor student that I nearly failed 3^rd grade, 5^th grade and 6^th grade. And high school was a challenge too. But poor grades weren’t rewarded and I certainly wasn’t allowed to do everything under the sun. I see too many children learning that a heavy social calendar is more important than an education and, in an educational system that is already failing, parental attitude is certainly not helping the situation.

Hockey, Family and Memories

04.10.2010

We went to a hockey game today which was incredibly fun. The first, and last, time I went to a hockey game was back in 1998 with my sister. We had such a blast! At that time, I had recently come back from living for a few months in Toronto and I made sure to catch a rare game of the Kings vs. the Maple Leafs. Man, that game was awesome.

Today, in the row ahead of us was a youngish guy who brought his son to the game (could’ve been an uncle too) and I observed the two of them for as long as I could without getting noticed and without making it look creepy. By the 3^rd quarter of the game, the little boy was sitting on his dad’s lap calling out little things to the guys on the rink which was making us all laugh and giggle at how cute he was.

Watching the two of them made my heart go out to this guy who was cradling his child on his lap. In my mind, I had flash forwards of Rob sitting with our child, or taking our kid to a game, especially when the Phillie Eagles were playing, and it warmed my heart.

But there was a part of me that was a little sad too and it reminded me of the time when I used to nanny these two kids as an undergrad. I would take the kids to the park and there always was this older dad with his daughter, holding her, playing with her, pushing her on the swings… You could see the love in his eyes for this little girl…and I don’t know what the story was. Maybe he had always wanted to have kids but wasn’t lucky and only later in life was able to have one. Or maybe he had grown kids that he neglected because of work or whatever and now he had this second chance. Regardless of the story, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy of this 1 or 2-year old little girl. I will never know what it feels like to grab my father’s fingers or hand when I’m scared or just because. It was at that time, back in 1996-97 that I made a promise to myself and to any future children that I would make sure that he/she/they would know what holding their father’s hand felt like. And I’m lucky to have married a man who feels the same way.