Can't We Have A Conditional Relationship?

06.21.2010

A screening of Iron Man 2 was playing at Rob’s work tonight and so he took me to go see it knowing that it was one of my anticipated movies of the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and a lady’s eyes can never get tired of looking at good ol’ Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

Next to us sat a co-worker of Rob’s who had brought her adorable little boy. He was about 5 years-old, maybe even 4 (I’m horrible at judging kids’ ages) and I figured the movie must’ve been such a treat for him to see. Rob often tells me that superheroes and comic books are greatly important to little boys.

I found myself wishing that it were normal to have a kid conditionally. I know that totally defeats the purpose of parenting and bonding, etc., etc. But, it would be nice to enjoy the child when I wanted to and then he/she could just, you know, “go back.” Uh, “Where?” you ask? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

The thing is, I really do like and enjoy kids. And, oddly, most kids take to me. I find a kinship with them. I feel like my true silly of a personality can come out with them and no one passes judgment on me. I can play with imaginary friends, build castles out of couch cushions, and become a knight with a shield and a sword fighting off dragons. I LOVE this kind of stuff. I just don’t want the responsibility of having to give up so much of my time to do all the “extras” that involve kids (dealing with tantrums, negotiations, toys everywhere, food issues…I could keep going…)

I know you gotta take the good with the bad. I understand that logically. But I like coming and going as I please. I like having to only worry about myself, my husband, and the cats. I like being able to sleep in if I want to. I like not having to worry about meltdowns at a supermarket and watching everyone stare at me like I’m the worst mother in the world.

But I also understand that in 10 years from now, there’s a strong chance I’ll reflect on my 30s with great regrets like I do when I reflect on my 20s. I never thought I’d get married and I never wanted a family of my own. I was always career oriented though I did absolutely nothing to take any steps to reach my career goals (though I'm doing that now). What I did instead was meet an amazing man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That threw a wrench into my whole vision of how I saw my future but I wouldn’t trade any decisions that led me to him for anything in the world.

Couldn’t a child affect in the same way?