Withering Away

10.03.2010

I’m a firm believer that if you want to see someone’s true colors observe him/her when he/she doesn’t realize that he/she is being watched. You can see a lot about that person such as whether or not he/she is truly happy, whether he/she is worried about something, or if the person wishes that his/her life turned out somewhat differently. I don’t often get a chance to catch someone I know in this kind of a light but whenever I do I pay close attention to see if I can figure out the essence of him/her.

Recently, I had this chance. I have seen this person over the past 15 years slowly wither away. He was once very handsome with a great personality but as time went on and his kids grew older, his relationship with his wife deteriorated and you could see that his body physically began to change with his shoulders hunched forward as if a heavy burden was pulling him down. I know that currently and for the most part he’s on speaking terms with his wife, but in that fleeting moment that I saw him walking, I could sense such deep sadness surrounding him.

I know that he never wanted to live the way he lives now but his wife would have nothing different. I know that he’d want a bigger living space for his family but they’re out-priced in the area that they live in and she refuses to move, so they live 4 people in a two-bedroom space. The wife’s unwillingness to compromise on many issues has worn this man down. You could see that he gave up a long time ago and now is an empty shell going through the motions.

This greatly saddens me and it is one of the very things that scares me about having kids. Rob and I have a great relationship but even the best kind can get worn down especially if there’s a communication breakdown. I think about this guy’s kids and how both of them are growing up without a father. Yes, he may physically be there but he’s vacant emotionally and spiritually. I know what that does to a girl from personal experience and I can only imagine what that can do to a son. These examples that he sets for his kids will be repeated in future relationships that his kids have and it’s unfair. I just wish people were more honest with themselves.

Happier Families = Happier Kids

07.23.2010

The same Psychology Today magazine I was referring to the other day has an article in it about families and happiness. Being an issue near and dear to my heart, I, of course, read it. Here’s a summary with my notes:[1]

1) "Communicate Well and Often" – the best part was reading about a family where the parents encouraged their children to work out their differences without parental influence. I think this is an excellent idea because not only does it teach the children a way to problem solve on their own but it achieves two greater goals. One, each child has to figure out what is their best communication strategy and second, the issue of parental favoritism gets squashed to a minimum.

2) "Build Rituals" – the worst part of “ritual” is that it’s predictable. But the best part is that it’s dependable. Each person in the family knows what he/she is responsible for and it helps to run a tight ship. It also teaches team-building and that in order to have a successful dinner, party, or just a successful day with as little mishap as possible, it’s necessary that each person play a part.

3) "Stay Flexible" – as important as the ritual may be, it’s equally important to participate in the magic of spontaneity. When you plan something and it goes accordingly, there’s always a sense of accomplishment. But when you turn from the usual road you travel on you open yourself up to the possibility of some amazing memories.

4) "Have Fun and Reach Out Together" – do things together as a family even if that means dragging out a teenager who’d rather stay locked up in his/her room. Spending time together outside of the normal environment allows for kids to see their parents in a different light and vice versa.

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[1] Rosenberg, Amy Psychology Today, August 2010, pp. 62-69.

A Toddler Communicates

06.09.2010

While at my job today, my boss’ 1 1/2 – year old granddaughter came for a visit and while she, the granddaughter, was going on her routine walk around the house, she and her mom and her mom’s friend stopped by the office where I work to say hi. While the little girl’s mom momentarily talked with her friend, the little girl came up to me and pointed to a doll that was nearby. She knew that the doll was mechanical and, using non-verbal communication, told me she wanted me to wind it up. When the doll finished “playing” its guitar, the little girl took my hand and placed it on the wind-up knob because she wanted to watch it move again. Without any words, she told me what she wanted me to do and, luckily, I have the savviness to speak 1.5-year old.

I find the first 5 years of a child’s growth to be fascinating. Even though I grumble about not wanting a newborn and a toddler – and have even said that I wish I could just start with our own 5-year old so I wouldn’t have to do everything for the child – this is precisely the age I don’t want to take part of that I find the most interesting. (Explain that dichotomy to me.)

Anyway, I got the doll to play again and then the little girl decided that she wanted to hold it. So she flashed me cute smile, took the doll and started jamming out of the room like a prisoner breaking out of jail. It was quite funny. Her mom had to go running after her and then explain that the doll had to stay with me but that they could continue on their journey around the house looking for grandma. This seemed to satisfy her.

It has always amazed me how you can totally communicate with a little child who can’t even put two or three words together yet. But each side understands each other (for the most part) and a “dialogue” can take place. The human mind is truly a wonder.

Communicate It, Baby

05.12.2010

During my class tonight, a friend and I talked about how we both caught that the instructor was very frustrated with us; in fact, quite irritated. I told my friend that, having been a teacher, I feel I can recognize his frustrations and the reasons for them. I suspect that he is not a seasoned instructor and there are definite holes in how he teaches and these holes came up to the surface as we were talking about next week’s final. No one was really asking questions about the final and there were many quiet moments where we were all staring at each other – and those moments are always painful for me cause I’ve been there. But, as an instructor, when you get frustrated with students it could be one of two reasons:

1) A student or two is not listening to what you’re saying and keeps repeating the same question even well after you’ve answered it. (This is not your fault.)

2) You have not gone over the material in a sufficient manner and most of your students are confused and, as a result, don’t know how to communicate that to you because they have no idea how to even formulate the right questions to ask. (This is your fault.)

I have experienced both scenarios and this is why it’s so important to know how to read the blank stares on your students’ faces. It’s also important to be humble enough to admit when you’ve done a crappy job at teaching something.

Ok, so how does this all relate to children? On may long ride home from class, I started thinking about how parenting is really one, life-long teaching job. I never saw myself as a “teacher” when I worked as an educator full-time. I always liked to think of myself as a “guide” – I believe we have the answers within us; we just need the right guide to help us find them. That’s how I approached teaching and I always saw my students as my guide. I anticipate that I’ll approach parenting in the same manner and how what happened in the classroom tonight really underscores how important communication is in every aspect of our lives. It also underscores how so many of us can suck at it, including me, and it is sort of interesting how we hear how important it is and, yet, it’s one of the most difficult things to do.