Don't Touch the Buddha Belly

07.07.2010

I happened to read a column today written by a guest journalist for the LA Times about her 3^rd trimester pregnancy.[1] In my humble opinion, I don’t think that the column was particularly good or insightful, but she raised an interesting topic that I’ve heard other moms talk about. The belly.

The journalist explained how much she hated people commenting on how “large” she was or that they made gender guesses as one CVS clerk did by exclaiming that she was having a girl because if she were having a boy she’d be “much prettier.” Her quip back at the clerk was, “How do you know I’m not always this ugly?” That’s smart, I thought. Better than what I would’ve come up with. (The journalist had a boy.)

I’ve heard that women hate their bellies being touched or commented on. The touching thing I can get because I think it’s just rude to go up to someone and start touching them. I don’t really do that with people that I know much less strangers. I have to feel ultra comfortable with someone to pat him/her on the shoulder, hand or whatever. Part of me thinks this might have to do with being a teacher where you’re strongly discouraged from touching children by any means unless they come up to you and you’re in the vicinity of other adults. But then, I'm generally not a touchy-feely kind of person.

So those of you who have been pregnant, what say you? What do you deem acceptable behaviour from the public towards your pregnancy and what do you consider unacceptable? What about friends and family?

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[1] Brodesser-Akner, Taffy “Quiet! Baby on Board,” Los Angeles Times, Wednesday, July 7, 2010, A13.

Give and Take

07.06.2010

Today was such a great day of creativity for me. I met with an actress friend who’s going to collaborate on a project with me and it was encouraging to see genuine excitement on her face when discussing it. We’ve been trying to get together to talk about this opportunity for a while but for various reasons it’s been difficult to follow through. She called me up at the last minute yesterday afternoon and, surprisingly, we were both free.

Afterwards, I went to my new writers group meeting and was energized there, as well. Coming home after that meeting, I thought about how I was able to meet my friend in the afternoon and go to the writers meeting without having to worry about who would watch a little one. I was so grateful that I didn’t have to go through that. My meeting with my friend would’ve been postponed even longer. I don’t necessarily have spontaneous meetings and, as a matter of fact, it’s quite rare that I happen to have an afternoon free to have a meeting like that. But I have to admit that it was nice to have it.

I’m sure I would’ve found someone to watch the little one so that I could go to the evening meeting – especially since I’ve known about it for weeks but it’s still nice to not have to worry about that.

It’s all a give and take, right? You have to let go of one thing to have another.

Accepting Family

07.05.2010

I’ve been really missing my mom this passed weekend. She moved to Lithuania 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her since x-mas ’08 and it’s a mystery when I’ll be seeing her next.

I long ago learned that I had to accept my mom for whom she is and, like parents with their children, I had to accept that she’s going to make her own decisions regardless of what others may or may not think. As an artist, she has always lived her life by her emotions and desires first which always made for a creative environment to grow up in but it had and does have its drawbacks.

This acceptance of a family member’s decision that you don’t necessarily agree with is very difficult. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s very challenging for me to have to accept that certain things aren’t viewed in the same way as I view them. And I know that parents have to deal with this and their children constantly. If you see that your child is making a mistake, it’s important that you step back and let him/her make the mistake because how else is she/he going to learn? When your child hurts, you hurt. When your child’s happy and excited, so, as a parent, are you.

Our decisions affect more than just us. My mom’s decision to move has affected everyone that she knows and directly changed my (and my sister’s) life forever. Especially because a flight to Lithuania can’t be done over a weekend.

I don’t know how good I would be in stepping back with my opinions and the like if my child were making a decision that I don’t agree with. I’ve had to be in a mother role for most of my life and I think it’s contributed to my decision to not have kids earlier. The emotional entanglement involved in guiding and raising kids can go deep and when the kid goes against that guidance in some way, the decision can cut deeply. It’s because I’ve had to deal with a lot of decisions made around me that have cut deeply that makes me sometimes wonder how much of that do I want to willingly bring back into my life? How easy is it to differentiate between your child as the child you want to control and the child who is his/her own individual? How do you know when to let go and when to hang on?

Four Christmases in July

07.04.2010

Happy July 4^th!

Today we spent the afternoon at this family’s home whose block on which they live closed down for a “block party.” I had never been to a block party though I remember as a kid always wanting to go to one because of the Sesame Street “Block Party” record that I had. I never watched Sesame Street growing up because we didn’t own a TV but, for some reason, I absolutely loved that album.

Chatting, eating and observing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living out the words that Reese Witherspoon’s character, Kate, in Four Christmases tells her boyfriend, Brad, who’s played by Vince Vaughn in this one scene toward the end of the movie. The thing about Kate and Brad is that they are a power couple from NY who consistently avoid their respective families, they don’t believe in marriage and kids, and want to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Thanks to some bad luck, Kate and Brad end up having to visit their families for Christmas and their day’s journey is what the movie is about.

The scene that I’m referring to is when Kate tells Brad that she’s taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day which causes Brad to completely freak out.

Kate: Relax, Brad. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.

Brad: Well jeez, why don’t you just hit me with that right from the start? Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool.

Kate: What is this reaction?

Brad: Listen, if there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to being around our families today it’s about the dangers of procreating. Besides, that’s not the things that we want in life.

Kate: Brad, I realized it today. I thought for sure, I’d always known that I didn’t want to have kids and I took this test, I’m waiting to see if it’s positive or negative and I thought, for just a second. I felt…different. You know? I felt hopeful. Like maybe it would just happen and we’d be forced to get over all our fears. We have spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries you know and making sure that we don’t limit ourselves with responsibility…and obligations, and I don’t wanna live like that anymore. Because that’s not loving at all.

Brad: Is that an eighties song?

I remember when I saw the movie in the theatre, Kate’s short monologue really hit home especially the part where she says they’ve spent so much time creating the boundaries making sure that limits aren’t made and that if she just got pregnant they’d be “forced” to get over their fears. I have actually had that same exact thought before.

While observing the parents with their children today, I thought about how I’m sure they all have moments of insanity and moments of doubt, but coming together for a holiday is one of the upsides of those downsides. Everything occurs in cycles and without bad there is no good and without good there is no bad. Kids or no kids you’re going to have a day that’s good and you’re going to have a day that’s more challenging. One a particularly challenging day, kids might increase the stress…but on those days that are good…you have more family members to help celebrate. And on either kind of day, you have an extra pair of hands to stand in the corner and help cheer you up or help cheer you on. Family is what people want when they are most in need…not necessarily the freedom to get up and go whenever they please. I think parenthood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but I can see flashes of how it could also be rewarding.

Wondering About My Future Hindsight

07.03.2010

I sometimes wonder about how I’ll one day look back on what I’ve written and what will I consider to be utter bullshit and/or what I will consider insightful (if anything). I also wonder what I’ll find to be pretentious on my part and, if anything, what I’ll find interesting that I thought about. Hindsight is always 20/20 an I feel that this experiment that I’m conducing is like the letter I wrote to myself one year at the beginning of the school year in grade school and then, at the end of the school year, I opened my letter and was surprised by what was important to me and what did or didn’t happen with my expectations for the year. That’s such a useful exercise, I think. If you have never done it, I highly recommend doing so. I did it with my 8^th graders my first year teaching and it was wonderful to watch their faces at the end of the year.

SWAGGER WAGON (Toyota): Parenthood in a Rap

07.02.2010

The following video is really hilarious. It’s amazing how a rap can make a car look cool. Even I, the one who swore off mini vans while still a teenager, found myself considering getting one one day if we have a family. Ha! (But I wouldn't.)

One thing I have to say, though, is that I feel like my generation (Gen X) is taking parenthood to a whole new level. I was telling Rob that I feel like so many of us don’t want to grow up so even though we (the generation) are having kids, it seems that we’re seeking out ways to stay truer to ourselves than perhaps our parents’ generation. Everything in the previous generation(s) was kept under wraps; you'd never hear a song (that I know of) about parenting or parenthood, its challenges or even good times. I don’t know how much validity there is to that thought, but at least on the surface, that’s what it seems like to me. And if that’s the case, then that’s encouraging.

Enjoy!

What Color is Your Sky?

07.01.2010

I really didn’t want to write today. At one point I tried to convince myself that it’s because I’m just exhausted with this topic. To be (a parent) or not to be? I mean, really. Why is it so hard? All I’ve ever done is make things more complicated. When most people answer “Blue” to the question “What color is the sky?” I’m the one who answers, “Shades of periwinkle, pink and purple.” I mean, why can’t I just say “blue” and be done with it?

At another point today I thought I could just make up an issue to write about but that quickly proved to be more work than I wanted to put in.

So I’m buckling down and writing the truth because…the reason I started this blog was to explore my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc and I’m not benefiting anyone, most of all myself, if I don’t include all my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc. Right?

I was on the bus today coming back from physical therapy for my back when a young woman, maybe even a teen, walked on with a baby and her friend. This got my brain on a rant about teen mothers and blah-blah-blah. I looked at the girl’s baby, a little boy of about 8 or 9 months, and…it got me thinking. (A very dangerous thing.)

“What is your problem?” A deeply recognizable voice from the dark corridors of my imagination asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“You know you’re going to have a child. So what are you waiting for?”

I said nothing hoping that my silence would make this crazy voice go away.

“You are one day going to be in your 50s with or without children. So either way you look at it, life is moving forward. What are you waiting for?” This annoying voice continued.

“But what about my writing and a life of creativity?!” I yelled.

“What about it?” The voice shot back.

How the hell am I losing a battle with my own self? I thought.

I eventually got off the bus and wandered back to my place with odd scenarios playing out in front of me such as me with my own child doing various, fun things together. And for a brief moment, and I mean a brief moment, I let myself enjoy those thoughts.

I often talk about how our society is dictated by fear. How we allow our fears to make decisions for us and how we allow those fears to rob us from living and experiencing life in the moment. I myself have asked people What are you waiting for? in reference to their wanting to start something new but are too scared to (like a new project, losing weight, taking an art class, etc). Each decision can be transformative – for good or for bad – but regardless, it’s one more level of learning (about ourselves).

I decided I wanted to make movies when I was 3 and at age 8 I discovered writing and decided that that’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I am obviously doing neither and the odds are strongly against me that either will happen professionally but it was only 4 years that I became serious about my writing and filming. And what I’ve learned in these last few years is that I am doing exactly what I always wanted to do even if I’m not getting paid for it. And I’m happy. Adding a child to the mix wouldn’t be easy and frankly that terrifies me. But I have tasted what it’s like to have a creative outlet for myself and I’m hell bent on never losing that. To give that up would be a sin and unforgivable for me. Therefore, just like anything that’s important, I’d have to figure out a way with Rob where I’d be able to keep the writing and any little film projects on the side because it’s what I need in order to keep going. The 9 to 5 brings the money…but my outlet is writing and filming.

I’m not quite ready to take the plunge…but I am getting slightly closer to answering the question, What are you waiting for? Even if it means complicating my life even more. But then, that’s quite familiar territory.