Dueling Philosophies

07.14.2010

I recently signed up to be a part of a writers group for a few weeks and I can’t tell you how eager I was to start this new adventure. You know how a little kid realizes that they get to go to Disneyland? Or that X-mas, Channukah or their birthday is near? That was me.

Yesterday was our 2^nd meeting and, for the 2^nd week in a row, I came home flying high because of the incredibly positive environment in which I have found myself. My script has a lot of work and there are definitely challenges I need to overcome but what I’m finally blessed with is a group of people who come together for the sole reason of helping each writer better their story. I’ve been a part of classes and groups where people cut each other down or insist that their idea for your story is the only way to go and leave you feeling like shit. How many tears have I shed feeling like I was incapable of conveying a thought!?

There’s such a difference between the critique that I get this time around from what’s happened in the past. I finally fully understand what “constructive criticism” means.

OK, so how does this apply to "baby" instead of it looking like I’m putting myself up on some sort of pedestal? Well, here’s how.

When a child (or individual) is in environment that cultivates his/her interests and his/her self-esteem and when that environment makes it safe for him/her to try different things, the child can grow in a positive direction. The child can figure out from an early age what works for him and what doesn’t. When fear is taken out of the equation and when taking chances are encouraged under the auspices that it’s not the result that matters as much as the attempt, then a child can grow up asking him or herself not the question of “Why?” but “Why not?”

In regards to many aspects of my life, I’m getting tired of the former being the default.

And Why Am I Doing This?

07.13.2010

I have to be honest and say that today is actually the 14^th and I’m writing an entry for yesterday. My day started at 5 am and I didn’t get home until almost 11 pm with about 1 hour in the late afternoon where I came home to shower, change, and get ready for my evening meeting. Despite loving feeling important running from one thing to the other, I am not in my 20s anymore. THAT’S for sure.

One thing that did cross my mind, though, is that IF I had a kid, how much harder certain things are going to be…

Concrete Blonde's "When I Was a Fool"

07.12.2010

As you know, Rob and I have been discussing the topic of kids for forever and we go back and forth. Oddly, he’s more ready for a family than I am. Isn’t it usually the other way around? Well, I’ve never been the “typical” one. Neither has he. I guess that’s why we’re together.

Anyway, he recently went to see Concrete Blonde and heard the song When I was a Fool and saw it and interpreted it in a new light. He sent me the lyrics and then we discussed them a bit. Currently, Johnette Napolitano (the lead singer) is a woman in her early 50s and the song is a reflection upon her decision to not have kids. I have comments underneath.

WHEN I WAS A FOOL

I re-read silly lines that made sense at the time, Pages all stained with tears and red wine, And I walk through the airport and see magazines, Every face that I see so much younger than me,

And I smile to myself how I don’t even miss My glorious past or the lips that I've kissed, And I think to myself how easy this is, Easy to breathe, easy to live,

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over how to be, what to say, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

So I live in these days but I still have my old ways, ’Cause the future somehow has yet to arrive, And I see all around me the women on time, Kids and divorces and crisis in midlife,

And do I surrender and give up my dream, For a brick in the wall and a washing machine? Grow up and get real for a kid in her teens Who won't care what I've done, where I've been, what I've seen?

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over who to be, how to be, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

I'm free to a fault, I’m 45, I’m playing guitar, I’m living my life, Fly down the highway, Sun on my face, I belong to nobody, I belong to no place.

The first thought that popped into my head upon reading these lyrics is that they seem so sad especially the last two lines. I have yet to meet anyone (any woman) who chose to not have children and lived well into her life and didn’t regret the decision. And, as a result, I find that the person seeks out ways to connect to kids either via a sibling’s children or, like Oprah, opening up schools and raising money and/or awareness for children-oriented places or organizations. Whatever happens with me personally, whatever path I choose to take, I know that I will throw myself completely in it. The problem, though, in doing that, there’s a danger of losing myself. And I'm so scared of that.

Pets

07.11.2010

I’ve always had animals in my life; from the day I was born through today. I can’t imagine my life without animals and I feel badly for people who don’t care to understand. Especially since science has discovered that those with animals live longer.

I also wish that our society cared more for animals. There’s a woman who runs a bunny rescue at which I’ve started to volunteer and the stories I hear about the rescue business is atrocious. She primarily deals with animals from Santee Alley in downtown LA which is where all the illegal sales of animals occurs. It’s illegal because the animals sold are either on the black market or the animals are just babies, many having been born within days and should not be taken away from their mothers.

If you are thinking of including an animal in your life, consider a bunny. I’ve had rabbits almost my whole life and they make amazing pets. You can potty train them like cats and they’re not expensive to keep. Rabbits also have great personalities and because they’re not totally high maintenance, they’re a good way to get a child to learn responsibility.

I’m including the link to the foundation where I volunteer and if you were to choose to adopt a bunny, please say that you got the information off of my blog. Thank you! (www.bunnyworldfoundation.org)

What Good is Guilt Really?

07.10.2010

Today I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Call it the Catholic upbringing and schooling where you’re taught to feel guilty about every move you make, but whatever it is or was, I felt it. I look around at people who have kids and I love that they’re so happy. I love to watch parents play with their kids. I love to watch a dad hold a baby in his arms as he “discusses” some topic with him/her. I love to see a little child’s day be made with just the simplest act like getting to press an elevator button. Believe it or not, these kinds of things make me very happy.

In the passed two days, I’ve been able to balance working and writing perfectly. And because this doesn’t come second nature to me, I had to work at making that happen. I got a solid 2 hours of work done today and made some personal breakthroughs that make me feel incredibly good. So where does this guilt come in?

I’m happy to not have a kid and I feel guilty for feeling that and I feel doubly guilty for not feeling the pull to have one. That’s not to say I never feel it; I’d be lying. But when I look at the families and I look at the photos, I feel like there’s something really wrong with me for not making that my #1 priority. I know plenty of women my age who are already going to fertility doctors because all they want is a child. I know I’ve been harsh on these kinds of women, and I’ve softened (a bit) because it’s not fair to judge someone else’s journey. But given what society preaches and given what I see around me, I just feel abnormal that I am not doing everything in my power at this stage in life to have a child. After 4 days of bad or failed attempts to write, I’m so much more content to have 1 day where I break through the bricks. With a child around, would I have the energy or the stamina to keep chipping away at my own insecurities and challenges?

Trading the Party Life for an Old Woman Life

07.09.2010

At what point did the change happen? I asked myself. This question was prompted because of the new neighbors who moved in on the 3^rd floor about a week ago. I remember taking one look at them and knew there’d be trouble. And by trouble, I mean parties. The guys are in their early 20s and most likely have yuppie, high-paying jobs because that’s the only “kind” that can afford to live on the Westside. I am a yuppie by proxy because I live on the Westside and anything outside of the vicinity of where I live is considered to be “far” and “over there,” but hey, I admit it. The only reason I can live where I live is because I’ve been in the same apt. for 27 years and I (we) reap the benefits of rent control. Any landowner’s/ apt. building owner’s nightmare, I know.

When my mom moved out 11 years ago, I was throwing a party about once a month. There didn’t even have to be n excuse; I just threw a party to throw it. I had no money, but hey that’s what credit cards were for, right? For as financially responsible as I usually was (and am) once in a while I would do something where only later I questioned where that responsibility went for on vacation.

So tonight, for the 2^nd Friday in a row, the guys had people over and had their soiree on their patio creating an echoe. I was annoyed because it was already after 11 pm and I could hear them (once upon a time I was just getting started at that time). I wanted to be mad but then I told myself that my neighbors put up with me while I went through my party stage.

I tried to figure out when I grew out of that “party stage” and went into “old woman stage.” The fact that I have difficulty staying up past 10 pm – and if I do I’m cranky – worries me because, with a newborn, you’re up every 2 hours. And, from what I hear, you basically give up sleep for the first many years of the child’s life. I love sleep. I’ve always loved sleep. One of my mom’s favorite stories about me is that she’d have to wake me up when I was a baby because I would just sleep all day. And, to make matters worse, I hear that the older you get the quicker you get tired with kids because you just don’t have the same energy that you do when in your 20s.

I don’t know…everyone says it’s different when you have your own kids. You don’t mind being tired or doing the extra work around the house. I guess I do what I need to do when I’m tired in order to take care of the cats. Sometimes abiding by a strict medicine/feeding schedule gets cumbersome but I do it because I love him and I know it helps keep him alive and well.

Everything in perspective, right?

Something Stinks

07.08.2010

At the beginning of the year when Rob and I were talking seriously about the possibility of starting a family this year, we gave each other tasks to do (like research) and agreed to regroup and discuss if this is something that we want to do. He decided to work out the finances and if it’s in the cards for us now and one of the things that I decided to look into was diapers and try to figure out a guesstimate cost per month. Being super environmentally conscious, I started with the brands at Whole Foods and compared prices. Let’s just start with the word “ridiculous.”

The 365 brand (Whole Foods’ brand) is priced at $11.99 per bag and 7^th Generation is at $12.99. You get a few more diapers per bag with 7^th Generation. But when you compare the 22-42 diapers per bag that you get (depending on baby’s weight) with regular store brand diapers, the price difference is astounding. Pampers, e.g. for the #3 size, you get 96 diapers for $19.99. Compare that to 38 for $11.99 for the 365 brand. This info really pissed me off because how, especially in an economic state that we’re in now, how do you make an easy choice to be more environmentally friendly? How do you convince someone that all the dyes and non-biodegradable material in Pampers isn’t worth it for the environment (or your baby’s butt) when you get so much more with them?

On top of that, a girl that I tutor discovered (via a science experiment) that the natural brand diapers aren’t as absorbent as the others. So you’re getting charged more for less. Interestingly, Huggies Pure and Natural is more expensive per diaper than 365 or 7th Generation. You get up to 12 diapers less per bag than you would with the Whole Foods brands.

My gripe is with the fact that there’s such great discouragement among companies to go more natural. It also pisses me off that Whole Foods charges so much when I know they could charge less. I used to work for Wild Oats and I know how high the mark-up is on products. I also know that there might be more of a process involved with all natural diapers, but I don’t think that there has to be such a huge discrepancy. I’ll pay more for organic produce because I don’t want to ingest pesticides if I can help it and organic produce will rot faster so there’s a premium placed; there’s more to lose. But diapers themselves don’t rot, so what the hell?

Anyone have any thoughts? What about diaper services for cloth diapers? I’m curious what other moms have to say about the exciting and dirty world of diapers.