Concrete Blonde's "When I Was a Fool"

07.12.2010

As you know, Rob and I have been discussing the topic of kids for forever and we go back and forth. Oddly, he’s more ready for a family than I am. Isn’t it usually the other way around? Well, I’ve never been the “typical” one. Neither has he. I guess that’s why we’re together.

Anyway, he recently went to see Concrete Blonde and heard the song When I was a Fool and saw it and interpreted it in a new light. He sent me the lyrics and then we discussed them a bit. Currently, Johnette Napolitano (the lead singer) is a woman in her early 50s and the song is a reflection upon her decision to not have kids. I have comments underneath.

WHEN I WAS A FOOL

I re-read silly lines that made sense at the time, Pages all stained with tears and red wine, And I walk through the airport and see magazines, Every face that I see so much younger than me,

And I smile to myself how I don’t even miss My glorious past or the lips that I've kissed, And I think to myself how easy this is, Easy to breathe, easy to live,

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over how to be, what to say, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

So I live in these days but I still have my old ways, ’Cause the future somehow has yet to arrive, And I see all around me the women on time, Kids and divorces and crisis in midlife,

And do I surrender and give up my dream, For a brick in the wall and a washing machine? Grow up and get real for a kid in her teens Who won't care what I've done, where I've been, what I've seen?

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over who to be, how to be, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

I'm free to a fault, I’m 45, I’m playing guitar, I’m living my life, Fly down the highway, Sun on my face, I belong to nobody, I belong to no place.

The first thought that popped into my head upon reading these lyrics is that they seem so sad especially the last two lines. I have yet to meet anyone (any woman) who chose to not have children and lived well into her life and didn’t regret the decision. And, as a result, I find that the person seeks out ways to connect to kids either via a sibling’s children or, like Oprah, opening up schools and raising money and/or awareness for children-oriented places or organizations. Whatever happens with me personally, whatever path I choose to take, I know that I will throw myself completely in it. The problem, though, in doing that, there’s a danger of losing myself. And I'm so scared of that.