A Yo-Yo Kind of Life

11.19.2010

I know I’ve mentioned before the issues that I have with my weight and though I’m not where I was eight years ago or thirteen years ago or seventeen years ago (the time periods I was extremely heavy), it’s still a constant, daily struggle. What comes naturally to skinny people, like taking two bites of food and eating no more, is war to me. I have to continuously monitor my need for food. Do I want to eat as a matter of actual hunger or because of an emotional instability? Every day, sometimes every hour, I have to ask myself a series of questions, haggling and negotiating like with a small child. It’s bloody exhausting.

Since July, I have been on one of two patterns: one week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. The next week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. Or it’s been: one week gain, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain, etc. Since 2005, I’ve been battling different health issues that, I strongly suspect, are contributing to this hamster wheel I’m on. I’ve been to doctors, I’ve had tests, and nothing irregular comes up. Getting older sucks.

This raises the issue that I hear a lot from parents who wait until they’re older to have kids: You lack energy.

I’m already having trouble maintaining whatever energy I have to do what I need to do when it comes to exercise and keeping up with my crazy schedule, and I struggle with the weight I’m at. I’m so afraid of being worse off physically especially when it comes to my health because of what having a child demands. My mom used to be a health-nut when I was little but by the time my sister was born all of that went out the window and we turned to fast food because of its convenience. I’m so afraid of choosing the easy road and losing my convictions because I feel overwhelmed. Then those feelings make me turn to food for consolation and instant gratification. Then this, of course, would set a horrible example to the child that would impress upon me even more guilt.

Ugh! What’s the point? Maybe only naturally skinny people should have kids.

Imagining Pregnancy

11.18.2010

I met up with an old and good friend last night who’s about 4 months pregnant and one of the most comforting things she could’ve told me was that it’s still hard for her to believe that she’s pregnant. I don’t know why I took such solace in that bit of information but I did. I tried to imagine myself pregnant and couldn’t. In fact, I think if I am ever pregnant I wouldn’t believe it, even with sonograms. I probably wouldn’t believe it until labor when, then, I’d be like, “Holy shit! Are you serious?!” Then, I’d probably recognize that there is a baby inside of me. I tend to compartmentalize my emotions very easily so I can see myself for 9 months acting cool toward the whole thing only to emotionally climax and have a meltdown during labor.

Yeah.

I’d be a mess.

Two Babies, Society and a Mystery

11.17.2010

Along with many others, I’ve been intrigued with the LA Times story that broke about a month ago where two women found the remains of two babies in an old trunk stored in a building in McArthur Park since the 1930s.[1]

I’ve been a fan of mystery books since a child, though I don’t read as much of them as I did back then. When I discovered Nancy Drew as a kid, I thought I’d found heaven. Then came the Hardy Boys, though, of course, they weren’t as awesome as Nancy Drew.

So this LA Times story inspired the latent sleuth in me and I began to write various stories in my head about what may have happened. I’m waiting for Hollywood to announce a movie about this and, when that happens, I will be greatly disappointed that I wasn’t hired to write the screenplay. Not that I could write a mystery-themed screenplay but, hey, I’m allowed to be disappointed, even if it’s unwarranted and has no grounding in reality. But, I digress.

In Tuesday's paper, detectives revealed that they found a cousin of the trunk’s owner, a woman named Janet Barrie, and the DNA matched to that of the babies confirming that they were, indeed, hers. Ms. Barrie’s life is a mystery particularly when she moved to LA from Canada where she trained as a nurse. She came out in the 1920s, lived with some women for a while in a building in McArthur Park and eventually became a live-in caretaker for a dying wife of a dentist living in the same building. During that time, Ms. Barrie’s sister speculated that she was having an affair with the dentist and would marry him once the wife died, which is what happened.

Although it may never be known if the dentist fathered the babies because no descendents or family members of his are on record, I think that it’s pretty easy to fill in the blanks.

Back then it was uncouth for an unmarried woman to have kids much less have them with a married man. It’s unclear if the children were aborted but it doesn’t look like they were killed once born. Whatever the case, it makes me think about how much pressure society places on people because it says how one should or shouldn’t live one’s life. This mentality has been a part of humanity’s history and it never ceases to amaze me how much of our actions and beliefs it dictates. I’m certainly guilty of this too, though I wish I could say I wasn’t. But society’s demand for women to be married in order to have kids and be accepted by it may have caused two babies their life. Makes me wonder…

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[1] http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-basement-babies-20101116,0,7126198.story

Long Day Warrants a Day Off

11.16.2010

I'm taking the day off. The thing is, I know what I want to write about, in fact, there are two topics I was going to spread over to the next day, but I’ve been under a deadline and my creative juices are all used up by this point in the evening. Come back tomorrow for what, I hope, will be a more interesting post. One thing I will say, though, the hours I’ve put in to meet this deadline are exactly why I’m afraid of having kids. Very long days and skipped meals or late meals…can’t do that with a kid… As Barbara Walters warned, “You can’t have it all.”

Mark Twain on the School Board

11.15.2010

“God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.” – Mark Twain.

…and I would add, “followed by anyone in politics who claims to have education as their top priority but conveniently forgets about it the day after elections.”

Work, Guilt, and You Can't Have It All

11.14.2010

I’m currently reading Barbara Walters’ memoir, Audition, and I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. It’s a rather thick book and all I think about is that it'll take me years to finish.

A few days ago, I came across her chapter where she writes about adopting her daughter, Jackie. I admire Barbara Walters on so many levels and grew up watching her on ABC’s 20/20 with Lynn Sherr (whose bio I read last year) and Hugh Downs, and Barbara was part of the group of women who trail blazed a path for women in journalism and the entertainment industry. So needless to say, what she had to say in this chapter on becoming a mother overnight was something I paid close attention to. She writes

…Is there a working mother on earth who doesn’t [feel guilt]? Mine was compounded in the sixties and seventies by the fact that working mothers like me were still a minority. These days the pendulum has swung so far the other way, toward work, that sizable numbers of mothers are leaving the workforce to stay home with their children. There is no perfect solution. Just exhaustion. And, my favorite word, guilt. I am known for saying that you can’t have it all – a great marriage, successful career, and well-adjusted children – at least not at the same time. It’s a bit easier today because there are employers who are more flexible, who may let you work part-time, and there are BlackBerries so you can work wherever you are, and there are husbands who will change diapers. But it’s still a balancing act and probably always will be.[1]

I obviously can’t relate to the feelings of guilt but I’ve certainly heard from mothers growing up and now friends who are moms that there is horrible guilt that comes with leaving a child behind to go work. I wonder if fathers feel the same way?

The sentence that really stuck out for me was that she said you “can’t have it all.” This is a fear and not because I happen to “have it all” now, because I don’t, but to not be successful in all areas of my life is what scares me. I tend to see more people abandon everything in their lives because of their kids. Marriages fall apart because the couple has stopped spending time with each other and/or there’s no advancement at work because the kids take up too much time and dedication. You can only focus on so many things at once and, when you have kids, they become your focus. If they don’t, there’s the possibility of contributing to their not being well-adjusted. It’s nice that Barbara made it a point to say that it’s slightly easier today with the changes in technology and that there are more men willing to step up with responsibility but the need for constantly managing a balancing act concerns me. But I suppose…that in of itself isn’t that different from how I live my life now. I may not have kids but I’m constantly balancing my priorities and not every part of my life gets 100% of my focus every moment of every day. And I’m well aware that success is something you have to work at and no one “has it all.” Nor do I think would I necessarily want that. Happiness is more important.

Looking at it this way, life with a kid doesn’t seem to be such a monstrous task. It’s just an adjustment and Lord knows I go through multiple adjustments a day. All you can do is your best, that’s all that anyone (should) asks for.

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[1] Walters, Barbara Audition: A Memoir, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2008, p. 170.

Maternity Clothes Exist for a Reason

11.13.2010

I was walking out of the market the other day and walking in was a very pregnant woman wearing extremely tight yoga-like pants and a tank top that was probably two sizes too small for her. I was grossed out and I don’t know exactly if this was because of her protruding stomach or at her choice of wardrobe that accentuated her protruding stomach. I’m certainly no fashion expert, but I would think that there’s a respectable way to dress. And something tells me that the woman wasn’t coming from yoga or, maybe, let’s say she was, I still don’t think she should’ve worn clothes that looked like they would be too small for her without being pregnant. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I think women should dress age-appropriate, body-appropriate and certainly pregnancy-appropriate.