11.19.2010
I know I’ve mentioned before the issues that I have with my weight and though I’m not where I was eight years ago or thirteen years ago or seventeen years ago (the time periods I was extremely heavy), it’s still a constant, daily struggle. What comes naturally to skinny people, like taking two bites of food and eating no more, is war to me. I have to continuously monitor my need for food. Do I want to eat as a matter of actual hunger or because of an emotional instability? Every day, sometimes every hour, I have to ask myself a series of questions, haggling and negotiating like with a small child. It’s bloody exhausting.
Since July, I have been on one of two patterns: one week lose, 2nd week lose, 3rd week gain. The next week lose, 2nd week lose, 3rd week gain. Or it’s been: one week gain, 2nd week lose, 3rd week gain, etc. Since 2005, I’ve been battling different health issues that, I strongly suspect, are contributing to this hamster wheel I’m on. I’ve been to doctors, I’ve had tests, and nothing irregular comes up. Getting older sucks.
This raises the issue that I hear a lot from parents who wait until they’re older to have kids: You lack energy.
I’m already having trouble maintaining whatever energy I have to do what I need to do when it comes to exercise and keeping up with my crazy schedule, and I struggle with the weight I’m at. I’m so afraid of being worse off physically especially when it comes to my health because of what having a child demands. My mom used to be a health-nut when I was little but by the time my sister was born all of that went out the window and we turned to fast food because of its convenience. I’m so afraid of choosing the easy road and losing my convictions because I feel overwhelmed. Then those feelings make me turn to food for consolation and instant gratification. Then this, of course, would set a horrible example to the child that would impress upon me even more guilt.
Ugh! What’s the point? Maybe only naturally skinny people should have kids.
Here's another thought though: you might actually lose weight while pregnant because your taste buds change and you get food aversions. You think more, too, about what you put in your mouth. And breastfeeding burns soooo many calories.
ReplyDeleteAs to the energy, I remember when I was pregnant with Lauren, a few weeks after I got pregnant I started my new job. The parking lot seemed so far away from the office and the steps were such an effort. But when I went back from maternity leave, I felt so energetic, I could bound up the stairs like nothing. I think you do get reserves of energy. I'm running on some right now, it sure can't be from last night's sleep, which I didn't get!
I talked to a doctor, actually, and she told me the same thing, that it is possible to lose weight when you're pregnant. Though, we didn't discuss it in terms of food aversions but that's a good point. Everything's such a crap shoot which is what irritates me. A few friends who've had kids recently struggled with breastfeeding and I've read that more women have trouble with that then you'd think.
ReplyDeleteI also don't know what kind of a pregnancy I would have. Food is my addiction and, thus, it doesn't take much for me to find myself in a downward spiral. Plus I'm older too. I have to work three times harder to lose a pound than it did 7 years ago when I joined WW. Psychologically, that has really done a number on me.
I've also seen mothers (at Lithuanian school) who actually look better after 2 or 3 kids than they did before them. So I know it's not impossible. It's just like anything: if you want it bad enough, nothing can stop you. My problem is: how bad do I want it?
it should read "than you think" not "then." i hate spelling mistakes!
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