Pregnancy Cubed

09.06.2010

In this past week, I found out that three women whom I know are pregnant, two of whom are family members. I found out about two of the pregnancies in one conversation within minutes of each other and, though I’m thrilled for all three women, I kind of felt blindsided.

I feel like everyone around me is getting older, making rational decisions, buying homes, having children, and I’m still lost in the wilderness waiting to get the memo.

In addition to feeling blindsided, I felt…sad. For myself. I’m sure all three women are feeling an array of emotions and I don’t know the details of their planning process (except for one), but I felt sorry for myself because it wasn’t me with the news. (Keep reading, I bet what I’m about to say isn’t what you’re expecting.)

I don’t want to be pregnant and then relay the news to everyone. What I want is the confidence that these women have in the decision to have kids. This lack of confidence cuts on a deeper level every time I hear that someone I know is pregnant. I’m not saying that these women are not scared or aren’t worried (and I honestly am thrilled for them), but they made a decision and they forged onward. This is what I don’t have and this is what makes me sad.

The Tug-of-War Within

07.25.2010

We’re out of town and I surprised Rob with a trip to Laguna Beach where I got us tickets to see Pageant of the Masters (amazing, amazing, amazing). On the trolley to the show, I had a moment where I grabbed Rob’s hand, leaned into him and observed the tourists. Most of them were families and I realized that their traveling experiences were completely different from mine. Well all our experiences are different even if we’re on the same trip. But what I mean is that traveling with kids gives a different perspective on the place you’re visiting. For starters, you’re probably doing more kid-friendly activities.

But as I sat on the trolley, a strange feeling overcame me. Although I was thrilled to be there in that moment with Rob and although I was happy that I didn’t have to worry about diaper bags, bottles, and extra clothes, there’s a slight sadness that came over me. Part of me is so tired of this struggle. I seem to have set up an impossible situation for myself: I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Whatever happens, whatever path I choose, it’s as if I’ll always look over the fence and focus on how the grass is greener on the other side. At the end of the day, once all is said and done, how is this tug-of-war within me helping?

The Tic Toc of Uncle Ben

07.24.2010

Today we went to a wedding and it got me thinking about how life just keeps moving forward and how in the blink of an eye we’ve created so many memories without realizing it. This year, Rob and I celebrate being together for 9 years. I wish time didn’t go so fast. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and it seems like each year whizzes by faster and I’m unable to catch up. I know time is relative and I’m not in some race to win, but when it comes to the issue of expanding our family, there’s a part of me that wishes I were where I was 4 years ago. Where that pressure to make a decision wasn’t so pronounced. I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin for a while longer before deciding to bring a child into this world when I may feel like I've lost myself again. At least until the child gets older...

The Dangers of Education, Part III

06.05.2010

[I promise that this will be my last entry using the Mother Jones article on the crisis of overpopulation.]

I understand that organized religion can provide many benefits. Those who truly heed Jesus’ call or any other prophets to whom they pray really do do good in the world and help those less fortunate, provide an education, and try to help develop a positive self-esteem. But I believe that organized religion can fall into the same trap that many governments fall into: a need for control and power. The Catholic church is absolutely no exception to this and, I think, this comes out with issues about children and birth control.

Using the Philippines as an example, Whitty, the journalist from the Mother Jones magazine, states that birth control was once very high in the predominantly Catholic country. However, because of its religion, in 2003, the Philippine government “bowed to the church demands to support only ‘natural family planning’ – otherwise known as the ryhythm method, and grimly referred to as Vatican roulette.”[1]

“Today more than half of all pregnancies in the Philippines are unplanned – 10% more than a decade ago..the Guttmacher Institute [a think tank] calculates that easy access to contraception would reduce those births by 800,000 and abortions by half a million a year. Furthermore, it would deliver a net savings to the government on the order of $16.5 million a year in reduced health costs from unwatnted pregnancies, including the brutal medical consequences of illegal back-alley abortions.”[2]

So an education about birth control would:

1) REDUCE unwanted births by 800,000. REDUCE UNWANTED BIRTHS!

2) REDUCE abortions by ½ million a year. REDUCE ABORTIONS! Isn’t this what we ALL want regardless of where we stand on the issue?

3) saving money. Saving Money. One more time: SAVING MONEY!

So an education Reduces unwanted births, Reduces abortions and Saves money. What is the problem?

Ronald Reagan instigated the “global gag rule” in 1984 prohibiting the US funding of any foreign family planning organization to provide abortions which also, as a result, slowed and even stopped these organizations from providing health care to at least 26 developing nations, primarily in Africa. STDs skyrocketed along with unwanted pregnancies. I’m not advocating abortion as population control by any means. I’m advocating education of contraception and the dangers of sex when not careful. “The UN estimates that at its height in 2005, the unmet demand for contraceptives and family planning drove up fertility rates between 15 and 35 percent in Latin America, the Caribbean, the Arab states, Asia and Africa…”[3]

I get that Catholics want to advocate life and I don’t have a problem with that. But why can’t a woman (and a family) decide WHEN they want to bring a child into the world? It all comes down to sex and how it’s so “taboo.” An act that is innate and natural is taught that it is wrong and is used by the church to ensure control. This, in my opinion, is a crime against humanity. Accept that people have sex, provide them with the necessary information and celebrate the joy of a birth even more because you know that it was not only planned but that the parents have done what they can to prepare themselves to properly take care of the child. This could lower child abuse statistics, it could lower our overpopulation statistics and, in the end, contribute to raising happy, healthy and successful individuals. How is that so wrong?

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[1] Whitty, Julia Mother Jones Vol. 35, No. 3, San Francisco, CA, June 2010, pp. 40.

[2] pp. 40-41.

[3] p. 41.

An Individual, A Couple and Then a Family

04.30.2010

I’ve resolved in my head to stop somehow convincing myself that because I may not necessarily agree with a parent’s decision that I’m going to do exactly that too. There’s this weird psychology I conduct on myself. I see a or hear about a parent making a choice I don’t agree with, I get all worked up cause I play out the repercussions in my head and how unfair they are to the child, and I, in turn, tell myself, “See, here’s one more reason not to have a child cause you’re going to make wrong decisions just like this parent and it’s going to screw it all up for them.”

I don’t want to think like that anymore. Despite me not agreeing with a parent, the fact of the matter is A) they are doing the best that they can at that moment with the knowledge that they have and B) Lord knows there's gonna be a parent or two or three that’s going to disagree with my decisions. So, let that go.

But what I will focus on are those parents that I feel are doing it right. One of the things that scares me immensely is how much my relationship with Rob will change. I’ve seen first hand, several times, in fact, what a child does to a couple and how a disconnect begins and how the woman becomes so child-obsessed that she literally starts to ignore her husband forgetting that she is a half of a unit. I don’t want this to happen and after a lunch Rob had with a divorce attorney friend who confirmed that most divorces happen not because of money but because the woman forgets about her husband, this is much more a reality than I think our society cares to admit.

So I look to those who frequently take the time to be together without their children to remind each other that they are individuals first, a couple second, and a family third. And, even though I’ve doled out numbers, it might seem that I’m separating each but, in fact, I believe all three work together simultaneously; however, each element is part of the whole and deserves as much attention as possible. Without a balance within each element, a darkness will start to grow equivalent to what I call a cancer. I desperately want balance in my life and I want to focus on those individuals that I feel seek that balance in their lives too. Thank you to those couples that believe that as much as I do. You’re an inspiration to me and you are proof that it is possible to still have a life and children too.

This Thing We Call "Family"

04.05.2010

I spent more time thinking about my mom and grandmother. See, I don’t get to talk to my mom on Skype that often and even less with my grandmother. Plus I over think everything, so it’s just natural for me to obsess about something.

Right before we were going to say our good-byes I asked my sister to take a photo of my mom and grandmother on Skype. They were so cute together, cuddling up, mother and daughter, making faces and/or my grandmother not really knowing where to look cause Skype still weirds her out. I was looking at the photo of the two of them today and I thought, “If I continue the route I’m going, I will never experience that.” What I was referring to was the fact that my mom and her mom were able to cuddle up with each other and regardless of their ages, they were still, and will always be, mother and daughter. “Mother and daughter…”

My mother-in-law asked me a few months ago if I would like to have a daughter first or a son. I started to chuckle and then ended in a sigh and replied, “I don’t know. Mother-daughter relationships are so volatile so I don’t know if I want to go through that. But then I don’t think I could ever relate to a teenaged boy, so I don’t know if I want to go through that.” She, of course, laughed at the comical way I delivered my line with such dramatic “my life is hard” flair, but underneath the comedy, I was actually quite serious.

Babies are all cute and cuddly but then they become these [fill in the blank] for about ten years and then you just hope that they forgive your parenting style and want to talk to you for the rest of their lives. Some families never overcome the schisms that may happen, others do. Or, at least, for the most part they do.

Why are families so complicated? It seems like it should all work out so perfectly. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, have the perfect wedding and start a family. But what you’re not told about is all of the little cracks in the façade that entail people’s personalities, dreams or failed dreams, hopes or broken hopes, desires, plans and changes in plans, changes in moods, etc. On paper it all makes sense. In practicality, it doesn’t. I’m not saying this because I’m not happy being married; God no! I’m just talking about how the steps to becoming a family and starting a family, etc. seem like it should all be so easy but no one tells you about how truly difficult it is. I always thought adults had it all figured out and now that I’ve officially been an adult for almost 20 years now, I’m still waiting for the light to turn on. I’m still waiting for that “a-ha” moment where I can say, “Oh, yes, so NOW I’m an adult because I have it all figured out.” I sometimes see the light flickering…but it never stays on long enough for me to definitively know.

Baby vs. Job, Part I

03.21.2010

Despite being happy for the most part with where I am in my life, when it comes to the topic of planning a family, I’m getting increasingly frustrated and I’m curious if anyone feels the same way, similar to, or has felt the same way as I.

Very recently, I made the decision that after this semester, I won’t continue with the program that I started last fall. This decision has been several months in the making and, for all intents and purposes, I wish I had made this decision before the semester started but, nonetheless, I didn’t and now I have to wait it out. But the thing that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is how do we, as a family, proceed with our family planning?

Rob’s company is being sold so his future with the company, once it’s officially taken over by a new owner, is unclear. And with me not continuing with my program, the question becomes, Do we start a family now while I’m still unemployed or not? A few days ago I realized that no company is going to hire a pregnant woman so if I get pregnant now, I can’t expect to be hired until after the baby is born. But then I should probably wait a few months past that because I shouldn’t jump into a job right when the baby is born.

If I get a job now, I have to wait to get pregnant until I’ve worked long enough to accrue the necessary time to get maternity leave, and that’s assuming that the company for which I work even has that option.

An even bigger wrench thrown into the dilemma is that there is absolutely no guarantee that I’d get pregnant in time for either situation to pan out. If I look for a job now and get pregnant in the next 3-6 months, I’m “cooked”; no one will hire me. But if I don’t look for a job hoping to get pregnant in the next 6 months and I don’t, I’ve lost the time that I could’ve been looking for a permanent job.

The other side of the coin is that if put off just starting to try to get pregnant for another 18-24 months, I will be around 37-years old and my chances of getting pregnant drop immensely. Do I want to take that risk? And if we’re going ahead with our own biological children, I don’t want just one; I’d like the child to have a sibling. Therefore, we’d have two children under the age of 5 at the same time because I don’t want to be in my 40s trying for a second child.

I’m so incredibly frustrated and I, again, find myself in a situation where I totally resent the fact that, as a woman, I have to face this decision. Men don’t have to face this choice. And I also resent the fact that because I chose to have a life in my 20s, I’m now being penalized for that decision. I chose to do different things while in my 20s and am now ready to “settle down” with a permanent job but I’m faced with having to choose between a job or a baby. I wasn’t ready for either choice in my 20s but it’s almost like I feel like it’s too late for either. Or at least I’m at the point where I feel like it’s getting to be too late for either.

I mean, I talk about how important it is to know yourself and stay true to yourself as an individual and I didn’t have that in my 20s so adding a child to that mix would have been very detrimental to both of us. How is this fair? It’s as if women have this small window of opportunity to do the “career thing” but then, you better rush off to have a kid because, if anything, your body is going to start shutting down and all you’ll have to show for yourself is a career. I don’t agree that women should be having kids in their (late) 40s and 50s but I really do feel the physical pressure of having a kid and the pressure of finding a satisfactory job. I just wish there were some happy medium because I can’t see it now and it angers me.