Baby vs. Job, Part II

03.24.2010

I’ve been working so hard on my school project that’s due on Friday and all this time that I’m forced to dedicate to it makes me grow resentful of the whole thing. I discovered last night that the last time I felt this exhausted in being “creative” was when teaching particularly that second year. Having to put together art projects or creative assignments for the students meant that I had to go through the project myself to try and see what was appropriate and useful, as well as to work out any kinks. I’m not working toward a credential or anything but this amount of time, effort, and dedication for the art program has brought out these negative emotions in me again.

It’s made me re-evaluate what are my short-term goals. I’m so constantly focused on the long-term goals that I put myself in these positions that I find myself in now having lost sight of what I want now and, in doing so, have derailed from my long-term goals. Thus, I am wasting time. Precious, precious time.

This crazy thought ran through my head this week. If I’m so miserable in the art program, through no fault of my own (it’s run horribly and most classes are set up for the student to fail; I guess it’s some sort of a test to see who can “tough it out”). So if I’m so miserable, what next? We all know my challenges with: job or baby, so…why not baby? I was trying to be my own devil’s advocate and was trying to see it from a perspective that I haven’t looked at yet. I may be scared, I may have all these questions, I may worry, etc. etc. etc. But in regards to the goals and dreams that I have career-wise, I may never achieve any of them or I may achieve only 1, neither of which would make me necessarily happy. So at the risk of never achieving a career goal I’m putting aside an opportunity to have a child because I’m hell-bent on making it as a writer, something that, at 35 and as a woman, I have every odd against me. There’s a part of me that wants to “Dare to dream” but there’s another part of me that’s pointing a finger and saying “Show me the odds in your favor and then have a baby”. I don’t know which side to listen to and I wish I had my own guru. It’s always so easy in the damn movies.