This is an experiment. An experiment that I’m hoping I can go through with…especially now that I’ve started it.
The housekeeping: I’m making a commitment to follow through with this experiment for one year. Today is March 4, 2010 and I’m to write an entry every day for the next 365 days on the subject matter of: children.[1] (Yes, very Julia & Julia. I’m aware of that, thank you.) This will be a space to explore my thoughts, fears, concerns, societal influences, etc. about having kids. I’m curious to see if I get any closer to making a bold decision in wanting to have kids and, if I were to get pregnant in the next year, what will be milling around in my head.[2] I will write in free style and, considering that my thoughts are like a ping-pong, it may be difficult to follow the stream. I want to edit as little as possible because I want this to be like a dialogue I’m having with myself so if anyone reads this, I apologize in advance. My other goal is to be as succinct as possible in my writing and not to exceed 1 – ½ pages. For anyone who knows me…this is a challenge.
As of today, it’s a private journal, but I’m considering making it public because I’m curious if there are any other women (or men) who are in my position. We only hear about baby-crazed women who’ll do anything to have a child but what about those who are on the fence? Are our reasons similar? Do we share the same fears, concerns and anxieties? And, of course, the only way to find that out is if I make this public. But, I don’t know if I’m quite ready to publish my thoughts yet. So, just like I do everything else, I have to mull it over.
Not even my husband, Rob, knows that I’m doing this. It’s not that I want to keep a “secret” from him, because I plan to eventually tell him (especially if I go public), but I’m afraid that he’s going to take one look at me and say “So this is the idea for the week of March 1st, right?” And, I will sigh in agreement and talk myself out of doing it. My new ideas are never ending…but my commitment to following through on them is somewhat faulty.
So here we go.
03.04.2010
I spent a little bit of time talking about having children today, though this time it was centered around the fear that I have that I will be doing most of the work on my own. Despite being in a great relationship with a wonderful man, my single-parent household while growing up constantly creeps back into my consciousness. But I sometimes wonder if it’s more realistic than not, this idea of women being responsible for more in the household.
One of the things that I resent the most is how much my life will change as far as hopes and dreams are concerned. I’ve heard of women having children and putting their career and/or personal goals on hold or watch the goals disappear forever. How do we as a society reconcile feeding our children the sentiments of “dare to dream” or “don’t ever give up on your dreams” when that is EXACTLY what we stop doing when we have children? This honestly and truly frustrates me because I can't see a world, at least for me, when my one and only dream is to raise a child.
I am a human being first and foremost. I have hopes, desires and goals and why is it necessary to give all of that up in order to live for another human being. I’m sure there’s someone who might be reading this and think “You’ll understand once you have children.” And I can just hear the condescending tone. I hate that. That’s another pet peeve of mine….but I will save that for another day.
I don’t want to live for someone else. I took a vow to be honest and faithful to my husband, but I don’t live just for him. I try to live well for myself so that I could be there, throughout life, with him. I can’t live anyone else’s life but my own. So why am I expected to give it up for a child? And what is that teaching a child? What it’s teaching is that being a parent sucks.
I’m not saying that nothing should be given up or changed when children are born into a family. Obviously things change. And I can get passed that. Your sleep patterns change, you can’t just “pick up and go” anymore, your schedule revolves around your children’s, etc. That’s fine. I’m not necessarily looking forward to that, but I can deal. When you’re married you’re no longer dealing with just your schedule. So, fine, I get it. But is it fair to ask of me to give up my passions such as going to the movies or to the museum or out with a friend just because there are kids in my life?
I see way too may parents turn inward once they have kids. I can actually see parents start withering away because each day belongs to just the child. It’s about the child’s needs and desires. The adults just fade away. Literally. How is this attractive?
I’m told there’s some sort of an innate switch that turns on and you want nothing more than to spend time with your child, to be with him/her, to hold him/her, etc. And that’s fine too. I can understand (despite those of you thinking “uh, no, you don’t have kids, remember?"). But what I still don’t understand is why someone chooses to abandon who they were before the child came into their lives? A child, in my opinion, should be an addition to the family not the sole life of the family.
I hear ya ... for a while, B. and I have answered the question, "Would you like to have a baby?" with "Yes ... eventually." I see the positives, but I am also terrified of the negatives.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm totally with you on this topic. At least you're younger than me, so I *should* be in a bigger rush than you... but I'm so NOT. Lucky for you, you still have time.
ReplyDeleteOk, keep in mind my comments are from my perspective as a new Mom, someone that always wanted kids, and someone that wanted to stay home to raise them.
ReplyDeleteOver the span of my 30+ years I have wanted to be numerous things in life career wise. I wanted to be a fashion designer, interior decorator, accountant, teacher, and probably a few other things I can't think of right now. As I look at my life as a stay-at-home mom I see that I am all of these things. I feel the need to dress my son stylishly and teach him to do so (fashion designer). I'm teaching him his colors, how to color, and will teach him various arts and crafts (interior decorator). I'm teaching him his numbers (accountant). I'm teaching him his ABC's, to speak, and so forth (teacher). So as you see, in my eyes I haven't given up any of my dreams. I'm just living them differently.
You are correct that things change completely when you have a child. Your gain new friends and lose old ones, because of this change. Your weekends consist of getting up at 6am (just as you do every day during the week) and planning a kid friendly event. These are choices that you have to make as a parent, but for Michael and I we wouldn't have it any other way. We have found it has opened our eyes to places we weren't aware of before.
Anyway, these are my thoughts for now on this subject. In reading your blogs I try to put myself in your shoes to understand your thoughts in order to help you understand mine. I hope that I can succeed in this process, no matter which choice you end up making in the end.
Brigitte - I'm not *that* much younger! ;) and everyone's bodies are different too. a woman in her 30s may conceive more quickly than someone in her 20s even though, statistically, the younger one should have an easier time. that's something that i try to remind myself of but the fact that it's such a crapshoot is somewhat disturbing.
ReplyDeleteAnisa -I see your point re: the fact that you live your dreams differently. that's a good way to look at it; a point I didn't consider. I've also heard from other moms who were totally career-oriented that when they had their kid(s) nothing else mattered. One new mom recently told a mutual friend that if she could be a stay-at-home mom she would and, had someone told her she'd ever say that she would've laughed in their face. And, of course, this *is* something I can't know because I'm not on "the other side". ;) Thanks for the input!!