You'll Understand. One Day.

03.08.2010

So I think I might actually talk about what I consider to be positives about having kids. Or rather….what I’ve heard are the positives. I understand that I can’t speak from experience…although…I’m not sure if that’s necessarily true. Yes, I’ve never birthed a child and I’m not raising a child. But one of my jobs as an undergrad was working as a nanny. I did that for about 3 years and 14 years later, I’m still in touch with the family and feel like I’ve had a hand in shaping their children. At least in the early years because now the family no longer lives in Los Angeles.

I sparingly tell people about that particular job when talking about children because the general consensus is that if you don’t have children in whatever capacity, then a) you’re not part of the club and, b) there’s no way you can understand. And the thing is…yes, I can. I know the feeling when a small child laughs at something you said with such gusto that you can’t help but laugh with him/her. I know what it’s like to have little hands wrap around my neck, with a little voice saying “thank you” or “I love you”. I know the joy within when I taught a child to read a word and they recognized that word elsewhere and pointed it out or when the child realized what the colors yellow, blue and red are. Because I didn’t birth a child doesn’t mean that I have absolutely no idea what a world a child opens up. And, frankly, I really resent when parents look down at me and/or pat me on the shoulder and say something to the effect of “You just don’t understand. But one day you will.”

I think the fact that I resent such an attitude so much is because it feels like no one wants to believe that no one could understand the emotions of a parent without actually being a parent. And I don’t agree with that. I think when you have a hand in raising a child, regardless if it’s someone else’s child, you are capable of, at least, empathy. I mean, what about adoption? Does the only way to fully “understand” what it’s like to be a parent mean you have to actually conceive a child? No, I don’t think so.

If a skier is telling me a story about the Olympics and the rush she got from its participation, does it mean I can’t say “I totally understand that rush” because I wasn’t an athlete in the games? I used to play volleyball; I know the hours of dedication, practice, runs, drills, etc. it takes to get better. I know the feeling of walking on to the court at playoffs when all eyes are on you and that feeling of “this is it” flowing through your veins. I am completely capable of understanding the skier’s emotions of being in the Olympics without having actually been there myself. And because I didn’t participate in the Olympics, it doesn’t make me any less of a person.

I am completely aware that there are aspects of parenting that I won’t understand until it happens to me. Of course! My husband and I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed a newborn, we don’t have to budget for diapers or medicine, and we don’t have to worry about putting away money for college. But just because there are those who do have these concerns, it doesn’t make them better than I, like only “special” people become a part of this club and your ticket in is a baby. It’s not a secret society.

And speaking of “secret society”…another pet peeve of mine. (Didn’t I say I’d keep this positive? Oh well…) I really don’t like when people decide to have children for whatever their reasons are and suddenly anyone who doesn’t have a kid disappears from their lives. And this doesn’t just happen with kids. I remember girlfriends getting a boyfriend and they’d disappear until the relationship ended and suddenly they needed company. I was usually single, so this happened to me A LOT. Then friends got married and I, still being single, suddenly was really cut out of their lives because, well, why invite a single friend to a couple’s gathering? So, if that's the case, what about getting together separately? Just the girls? Many of my girlfriends didn’t really opt for that. Cause, God forbid, you spend a few hours apart from your partner. When I myself got married 4 years ago, I make it a necessary part of my routine to spend time with all my girlfriends, single or not. My single status may have changed, but I still need my girlfriends.

So, as we got older and more people started having kids, I quickly noticed how ostracized the childless couples are. Does anyone else notice that? Am I being overly sensitive? I don’t know. Perhaps my expectations are too high. I can understand that children alter your life and schedules and stuff, but am I going to be expected to be around only those who have children once I have kids? I can’t see myself doing that. Just like I make it a point to hang out with my friends who were friends with me before I got married, I plan to continue these friendships once a child is in my life. I really hope that I don’t become a child snob. I really, really don’t.