Passing the Test

12.02.2010

You know how it is when you make a decision about something, let’s say buying a red Toyota, you start seeing red Toyotas all over the place? For some weird reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about pregnancy and in he past 2 days, pregnant women are popping up all over the place. I know that sounds funny because, uh, where in the world are there not pregnant women…but, it just seems that more of them are crossing my path. Maybe it’s some sort of a conspiracy…

…and I say that only half-jokingly. I believe that the universe sends us “testers” to challenge us to deal with certain issues that we have and the only way to pass the test is to overcome the issue. If anyone’s followed this blog to any capacity, I’m sure it’s easy to pick up the issues I have with pregnancy and, for whatever reason, I’m being forced to confront them now.

There are many hurdles for me to overcome when it comes to pregnancy and not just the issues of weight gain and the inevitable birth. I’ve had to start working on imagining getting pregnant as joyous news and as an exciting journey. This isn’t easy.

Even if I don’t ever get pregnant because of choice or it just doesn’t happen, there are challenges that I need to overcome, certain displaced perceptions about pregnancy that I have and that I need to clear. I’m no stranger to the notion that we govern our lives out of fear and not joy and there are certain fears that I need to work on clearing from my life regardless of whether or not it ends with pregnancy. These fears that I hold on to out of comfort hold me back and I need to let them go and bury them as a part of my past not keep them around as a reality of my present. Once I find a way to do that, the less of a “burden,” I think, will the idea of having a family be.