It Still Creeps In

11.07.2010

Today, I have nothing interesting to say. I was at home for the entire day working on a creative project that entailed me to turn our living room and kitchen upside down. I must say that I have the world’s most understanding husband. As he left this morning, I apologized for the mess and he replied lovingly, “That’s OK. Such is my bohemian life.” This made me love him all the more because, as I state in my “About Me” profile, there is never a dull moment with me, with the next whirlwind adventure always hovering around the corner.

But, to all this to kids… I’m exhausted. I’ve had about 8 hours of sleep since Friday and the entirety of what was last week kept me scrambling to catch up with time, which I failed to do. I have a number of projects going on at the same time and, though I’m not complaining, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be able to be half as busy with the kinds of things I love to do were we to have a kid. Everything is a give and take, yes, sure, and I know I’ve explored that. But I’m so scared that a child will take away opportunities for me to do the kinds of projects like what I did today. It’s that fear creeping in all over again…

The Relationship Is Not Ours to Own

11.06.2010

Two sentiments: some people come in and out of your life but will make an impact and children are only given to us on loan.

On an errand, I passed by the junior college I attended and memories from that era popped into my mind leading me to think about a close girl friend I had. We played on the volleyball team together and at a time when my other teammates shunned me she accepted me. That time-period was a dark one in my personal history and the iron wall I built around me made the others uncomfortable. But this friend looked beyond the wall and helped me along my difficult road back to life.

In the grand scheme of things, we were friends for a very short time, about a year and half, ending mainly because I couldn’t maturely handle working two full-time jobs, my transfer to UCLA and keeping up with the schedule we established like staying up all night (which sometimes included driving to the beach and crashing a private beach club, midnight runs to Rite Aid and the like). I stopped returning her calls thinking I’d deal “tomorrow” until that “tomorrow” never came and she pulled away completely. Still to this day, I miss her.

These memories prompted me to think about the sentiment that kids are merely ours on loan. We raise them, sure, but we (shouldn’t) don’t raise them to live with us forever. We shouldn’t have kids to fill a void in our lives but should have kids as an addition to the life we already have. The truth of the matter is, though, they won’t be there every day, every moment for the rest of their or our lives. They will one day walk out of the front door to be on their own and will leave behind the memories of the years gone by, along with the anticipation of new memories to come.

We become friends with someone because for whatever reason, paths crossed, there was a click and the journey began. But sometimes a fork in the road brings that journey to an end. That friendship was given to us on loan. In fact, one could argue that any friendship or relationship is just a loan and to accept this loan is a big risk, for better or worse.

Would I reject my friend’s friendship were I given an opportunity to go back in time knowing the pain I will go through when the friendship dies? No. I am a richer and deeper person for having had her in my life.

Nothing is permanent. Is it fair to reject the idea of having a child because of fear of pain (emotional or physical)? There isn’t one thing in my life that I would alter, either good or bad, because those experiences (still) shape me. A temporary experience created continual change. How different is having a child?

10 Reminders For Moms (Or Life in General)

11.05.2010

I came across this blog entry with the topic of 10 habits that happy moms do, and though it’s not revolutionary information, it’s always a good reminder…even if you don’t have kids. Reminders such as, take time for yourself. With any kid, my challenges will be #3, #5, #6 with the most challenging of all, #7.[1]

1. Find time for yourself

Happy moms know they deserve a little time to themselves. When you know you're going to have a little room to breathe later on in the day, it's easier to take on everything that's in front of you. Our formula? Take 2 hours out for yourself every 3 days.

2. Don't make a happy baby, happier! We all do it...you see your baby's head at what you're sure is an unnatural angle snoozing in their car seat. You just know they'll be happier if their head was straight. So you move them. And they wake up. Then they scream. Or, you see them playing happily in the sand. You just know they'll be happier if they played on the slide. So you interrupt them and move them to the slide. And they're angry. And they let you know they're REALLY angry. Here's the thing, they were happy. It can be hard to do, but if your kid's not complaining, leave them be! Happy baby = Happy Mommy.

3. Embrace the mess
So your house doesn’t look like something out of a magazine. That just means it’s cozy! Your children have hands coated in dirt from the playground and faces coated in spaghetti from dinner. It’s not gross—it’s an adorable photo op! Life is about how you look at things. Next time that pile of laundry that’s been sitting on the chair for three days starts to get you down, just remember… it’s probably feng shui.

4. Make time for your friends
Your family can survive without you while you make time to see friends. You are a woman with your own identity and its imperative that you and that identity go out for some margaritas once in awhile!

5. Stop blowing yourself off
While you may be the one taking care of everyone, it doesn't mean you can't also get what you want. Help your family realize your needs are as important as theirs and when mom is happy, everyone is happy, but when mom is not....

6. Get in the zone
Take 10 minutes to do absolutely nothing but rest. Take a break from your day, close your eyes, breath in slowly and deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat several times. Think about a place you love that is relaxing, spend 10 minutes there in your mind.

7. Remember your dreams and goals
 Everyday we are encouraging our children to reach their full potential. But sometimes in the midst of being a parent we forget about our own dreams and goals. The best thing you can do to encourage a child is to lead by example –happy moms hold on to their dreams and goals and don’t let go.

8. Be lighthearted
Don't be the uptight mom. Be silly and dance with your kids to their music or tv show tunes. Be romantic and pull your partner into a waltz. Dance in slippery socks in your kitchen while making dinner.

9. Bend the Rules
One of the best parts of making the rules is occasionally breaking them. Maybe it’s taking your child out of school for half a day on their birthday, or waking them up in the middle of the night to see a sky of shooting stars. Happy moms know how to turn the mundane into fun.

10. Mind your own business
Concentrate on creating your life the way you want it. Take care of you and your family. Don’t get overly concerned with what other people are doing or saying. Don’t get caught up with gossip or name calling. Stop seeking the validation of others and be confident in yourself.

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[1] http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/10-habits-of-happy-moms-2401511/

You're Damned If You Do And You're Damned If You Don't

11.04.2010

I read an article today with Cher who said that her two kids were resentful of her choosing her career over them when they were younger which then prompted me to sarcastically think, “Well, that’s great.” She said her eldest is pretty much over it but her son still harbors resentment. I certainly have my own issues with my mom not being around. So what’s the point? I mean, you try your best as a parent but then we selfish kids want nothing but our parents’ time and dedication while psychologists and others are saying that parents need to take time for themselves and each other. So whatever you do, you’re going to screw up your kids, right?

Makes me think of Susan Sarandon’s response to the question of how was she able to raise kids and work successfully in the entertainment industry. “You do your best and after years of therapy, you hope they forgive you.”

I don’t have kids and that immediately became my mantra. I guess that it’s true, though. Parents can’t be there for you every time all the time. And part of growing up is accepting that and learning from it.

All Magic, All The Time? Maybe.

11.03.2010

Ask and ye shall receive.

Since my post for Monday where I complained about our society’s seemingly endless focus on only the magical side of having kids, I’ve been handed the pause button so that I can take a good look around and stop being so picky with what I choose to see or notice.

After my language lesson yesterday, my student's little girl ran up to us, yelled with glee and ran back into the living room where she was coloring on large pieces of paper. In the living room, I found her mother with a glass of wine. She turned to me and with an exasperated look asked, “So how was your hour of quiet?” I chuckled and replied with mock innocence, “You mean your almost two-year old isn’t quiet?” She gulped down wine in response.

Their little girl recently discovered the art of shrieking and runs playfully from one room to the next while one or the other parent chases her desperately trying to explain that that’s no appropriate behavior for the inside. Oh, joy!

Then today, I met with a girl friend who has a 5-month old baby and asked her what would be something that, before the baby, she imagined would be one way and yet, surprisingly, was different whether it’s for better, worse, easier or harder. She thought for a moment and then replied that she thought her kid would sleep more. Of course, all babies are different (I apparently couldn’t sleep enough) but there are moms who seem to have all the time in the world to do whatever they want and she feels like she’s always racing against the clock. She reminds herself that each situation is unique and that this is the situation she was given, and that it's getting better. Obviously, this isn’t something you can plan for because you don’t know what your kid is going to be like until you have him/her, but see, this kind of information benefits someone like me.

It’s important for me to witness the love in these parents’ eyes when they look at or speak of their children but it also helps to know that, on occasion, a glass of wine is needed to deal or a walk around the block or sitting on the floor and having a good cry. I say this because that is probably going to be me one day and it gives me peace of mind to know that that’s ok, that there may be darker colors amidst the magic’s beautiful ones but, in the end, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t magical.

Women CEOs Who Are Moms

11.02.2010

A few weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal on-line published an article about women CEOs and 12 out of the Fortune 500 companies are led by women, 11 of whom are mothers.[1] This caught my attention because I’m constantly worried about what happens to women and their careers once they have children. It’s still hard to climb the ladder, as the article mentions, but it’s much easier than it was even just 15 years ago.

I’m somewhat disappointed that the article wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be though I couldn’t tell you what exactly I was looking for in it. Answers, maybe? But to what question(s), I don’t know. Maybe it was to let me know that it’s OK for a woman to want a career and to pursue one while having children. One CEO mother said that you have to plan on not having guilt about missing certain activities and not being there for every single milestone. She also suggested that, “When you walk in the door, you should be ready to say, ‘I am home now,’ and not check email until later.” This makes sense. You compartmentalize your life. Work is work and home is home. Each deserves your attention separately. I can buy that.

What a couple of women said is that being a parent has made their decision-making skills at work much sharper and more compassionate toward others in the company. BJ’s Wholesale Club CEO, Laura Sen, said that, because of her kids, she brought in employee wellness and weight-loss programs because investing in the workforce was important to her. She said that being a mom makes her “have a more maternal view in terms of how” people are treated.

The saddest part of the article, though, is that since 2000 women CEOs still make $0.79 on the dollar where their male counterparts make the full $1.00 and climb the ladder faster. Change in the right direction sure does happen at slow increments, doesn’t it?

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[1] http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/111055/the-corner-office-and-a-family?mod=career-leadership

All Magic, All The Time?

11.01.2010

I’ve been feeling inadequate lately and the main culprit for this is that I’ve been doing a lot of comparing of my life with others. I hate when I do this because it offers nothing good but, alas, I fell down that rabbit hole and now I’m dealing with it. (Or not.)

It seems like those with kids have all the answers to life. They’re always happy and life is lived for their kids, through their kids, and by their kids. This really makes me feel like a horrible individual that in order for one to be happy and content, one must have kids. We mainly hear stories of the fantastic, funny, imaginative, etc things that kids do and how all those things accumulated make a parent’s life so much richer. I, personally, would like to hear more stories of parents juggling life, their relationship with each other, work and time alone successfully. As magical as having a kid may be, I’m not so sure that it’s necessarily all magic all the time. But hell, maybe I’m wrong.