11.06.2010
Two sentiments: some people come in and out of your life but will make an impact and children are only given to us on loan.
On an errand, I passed by the junior college I attended and memories from that era popped into my mind leading me to think about a close girl friend I had. We played on the volleyball team together and at a time when my other teammates shunned me she accepted me. That time-period was a dark one in my personal history and the iron wall I built around me made the others uncomfortable. But this friend looked beyond the wall and helped me along my difficult road back to life.
In the grand scheme of things, we were friends for a very short time, about a year and half, ending mainly because I couldn’t maturely handle working two full-time jobs, my transfer to UCLA and keeping up with the schedule we established like staying up all night (which sometimes included driving to the beach and crashing a private beach club, midnight runs to Rite Aid and the like). I stopped returning her calls thinking I’d deal “tomorrow” until that “tomorrow” never came and she pulled away completely. Still to this day, I miss her.
These memories prompted me to think about the sentiment that kids are merely ours on loan. We raise them, sure, but we (shouldn’t) don’t raise them to live with us forever. We shouldn’t have kids to fill a void in our lives but should have kids as an addition to the life we already have. The truth of the matter is, though, they won’t be there every day, every moment for the rest of their or our lives. They will one day walk out of the front door to be on their own and will leave behind the memories of the years gone by, along with the anticipation of new memories to come.
We become friends with someone because for whatever reason, paths crossed, there was a click and the journey began. But sometimes a fork in the road brings that journey to an end. That friendship was given to us on loan. In fact, one could argue that any friendship or relationship is just a loan and to accept this loan is a big risk, for better or worse.
Would I reject my friend’s friendship were I given an opportunity to go back in time knowing the pain I will go through when the friendship dies? No. I am a richer and deeper person for having had her in my life.
Nothing is permanent. Is it fair to reject the idea of having a child because of fear of pain (emotional or physical)? There isn’t one thing in my life that I would alter, either good or bad, because those experiences (still) shape me. A temporary experience created continual change. How different is having a child?
Maybe I am misreading your point but I have to say, I don't think you will ever lose your children completely, unless something serious happens--which it is largely in your control to prevent from happening--you can be close them your whole lives. Just in a different way as they grow older and more independent. You'll always be their mom, which makes you one of the most important relationships they'll ever have, and that will ebb and flow but always be there for each other.
ReplyDeleteIt's *because* it's a blood relationship (or adoptive, whatever) that it makes it so much deeper than a friendship. Friendships are mutually created when people have things in common and have fun, and dropped when things are not so fun. But families are stuck together forever, so might as well become friends along the ride.
i guess it all depends on the relationship you have with your child. eg, my relationship with my mom on many levels is strained and, with her living 1/2 a world away, will always remain distant both emotionally and physically. i'll always have a connection with her, yes. but i won't ever have a consistent, close mother-daughter relationship with her. i've had glimpses of over time, but it's never been consistent.
ReplyDeletebut, having said that, what i wanted to focus on was that a friendship with someone can change your life forever and so can having a child whatever relationship one may have with him/her. i didn't mean to say that a friend's relationship is the same as one with a child because it obviously isn't. but the deep effect that someone can have on your life, i think, can occur when you have a child. but i guess i'm speaking more on a spiritual level.
by the way, just for clarity's sake, the crux of what i was trying to say is that if you go through a painful split with a friend (or even a boyfriend/girlfriend) do you *not* find another? do you let fear hold you back from getting close to anyone? and because i'm so terrified of having kids, i was taking the notion of fear and applying it to that. do you (i) not have kids because you're (i'm) afraid of getting hurt physically or emotionally? a friend can bring so much into one's life and so can a child (and even more because they're *yours*).
ReplyDeletei hope that makes more sense.