Congratulations! You're a Dad, Now What?

05.13.2010

I’d like to depart from my usual rants about the difficulties that women face when having children and how much more difficult the choices are for women. I still stand by my beliefs, but I want to step away from them for a change and take a look at the man’s role in all of this (assuming he sticks around).

There’s another Rice Krispy commercial out there, though this time with a father and his two children where the three of them make rice krispy treats. Pushing aside the emotions about not being able to relate (to doing an activity with a father), I found myself grateful that a commercial as such exists. I don’t think there are enough shows, commercials, ads, etc. that focus on fathers “taking care” of children. Men are stereotyped as being the financial providers and protectors and are often depicted as being absent so when a father does take an active role in child raising we tend to praise him and put him on a pedestal. This shouldn’t be the case and it shouldn’t “shock” us when a father spends time with his child/ren. What should “shock” us is when the father is absent in the raising of the child.

The other thing that I don’t think gets addressed – and I’m guilty of this too – is how much pressure having family does put on a man. I’ve seen countless scenarios play out over the past 15 years. I’ve seen men who don’t want children find themselves with a family and resenting it because they envisioned their life to be a certain way and their world gets turned upside down. I’ve seen men who only want one child but the woman insists on having more and, many children later, the soul of the man has been chipped away. I’ve seen men who do want children but have to work all the time to be able to sustain the family and, therefore, don’t get to spend that much time with the kids. In all these scenarios, the stresses of life put so much pressure on the parents and, as a result, the relationships with all family members suffered.

These are all examples of how there really are no guarantees in life. Men have fears, concerns and wishes, and I wonder how much of our society allows for them to express these emotions. No one is completely ready for a child and I don’t think enough people are aware that a man is the last person to be ready for a child. Pregnancy and all baby-related issues are so focused on the mother that I can see how the man gets shuffled to the back. A woman has 9 months to prepare emotionally (if not her entire life up to that point) and, for all that time, all the attention is on her. But I wonder what the attitude is for men. Is it as simple as “As long as the woman is happy then so am I”? Or do they really have genuine fears and concerns that don’t get addressed?