06.17.2010
In the middle of grad school, I decided to take an adolescent psychology class to complete some pre-reqs for a secondary credential thinking that I’d give teaching one last try. It wasn’t until 1½ year later after many meltdowns I turned to my then fiancée and said, “I can’t do this. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but it’s not this.” Of all the education classes that I had taken up to that point, the two most beneficial were a technology-based course and the adolescent psychology course.
One of the books I read was Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack (1998). Event though the book can be labeled as pop psychology, I found it to be incredibly beneficial and it really opened up my eyes to the world of boys. I grew up without a father and very little male influence in my life so the world of testosterone is both a fascinating one and one that often scares me. I’ve gotten better over the past 9 years, thanks to my husband’s patience, but, nonetheless, it’s a relatively foreign territory for me.
I grew up in a world that emphasized “girl power” and while attending an all girls high school this was definitely a mantra. But what this book helped me realize is that in the process of society focusing on “girl power,” the boys got left behind. “Recent studies…show that not only is boys’ self-esteem more fragile than that of girls and that boys’ confidence as learners is impaired but also that boys are substantially more likely to endure disciplinary problems, be suspended from classes, or actually drop out from school entirely.” It continues, “…statistics now tell us that boys are up to three times more likely than girls to be the victim of a violent crime (other than sexual assault) and between four to six times more likely to commit suicide.”[1]
How many times have you seen in person or on TV/in movies, adults telling little boys to stop crying because it makes them look like a “sissy?” What this book points out is that just because a boy is a boy, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have fears or concerns. And starting at an early age, society labels boys a particular way and they are “trained” to grow up and be a certain way: the providers, the strong-ones, to have emotional-containment, etc. I’ve seen many times that when a man has more emotion than “normal,” he’s immediately labeled as “gay.” Why? Why is a boy/man not allowed to cry and to feel?
There is a difference between teaching a boy that his fears and concerns are valid and letting him cry over “spilled milk.” I wouldn’t allow my little girl to cry for no reason or not reprimand her for throwing a tantrum to get her way. These are educational moments; moments to help the child become a better person and to learn that sometimes things just are the way that they are and crying over them isn’t going to change the situation. But, e.g., if a boy wakes up from a scary dream, why do some parents tell the boy to “man up?” To any little kid, a scary dream is just that: scary. Hell, I get nightmares all the time and it scares the crap out of me when I wake up in the middle of the night and I’m sweating.
I think it’s important to remember that each gender has strengths and weaknesses but most importantly each person has strengths and weaknesses and that’s what should be focused on and worked on. Look at the high percentage of Asian men killing themselves because they can’t keep up with the demands on them that society has brought about. These “demands” and images of perfection are destroying the essence of who we are: being human.
[1] Pollack, William, Real Boys, p. xxiii.
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