03.30.2010
I was watching yet another A Baby Story on TLC (I really don’t watch it that often, I swear) and the couple was arguing about whether or not to include the wife’s maiden name on the baby’s birth certificate. The mother wanted it and her husband did not. He was bitter that she didn’t change her last name to his and wanted the baby to only have his last name. His wife was saying that since she’s the one who went through pregnancy and a painful delivery that it’s only fair her maiden name get included on the birth certificate. Though I didn’t agree with the way the wife treated her husband overall, and her lawyer-by-trade attitude was a little off-putting, I had to agree with her. Her husband’s last name would be the one used for their child, it’s just the maiden name became a kind of middle name.
This situation made me think of how fairly early on in our relationship Rob and I talked about the idea of marriage and whether or not I would change my name. I told him that I would not and a big argument ensued. This is one of the touchiest subjects, I think, between couples. That is, of course, if the woman doesn’t want to change her last name.
When Rob and I had this conversation, I had several friends already married and they all changed their last names to their husbands, which I don’t have a problem with. I’m not one of those feminists who insists everyone convert to her beliefs. I think we all have a different attachment to our names and I’m certainly not going to judge. I think in my case, I come from a household of only women, my mom kept her maiden name and gave me hers instead of my deadbeat dad’s and if I had any brothers, maybe I wouldn’t mind changing my name because society expects a family’s name to travel down paternally, but my family name dies with me and my sister.
I’ve been reprimanded for separating myself this way from Rob and our (future) children. They will all have the same last name and I’ll have a different one and, somehow, I feel like this alludes to the fact that I will somehow not be seen as their mother. Well, if someone chooses to view the situation as such, that’s his/her prerogative. I give birth to a child, that child is mine regardless of what my name is.
If you were to ask any man if he’d be willing to change his last name to his wife’s, most men would answer “No way.” If you prod further and ask why, the reason would be something along the lines of “It’s my name. It’s who I am.” What completely perplexes me is how it’s so easy to dismiss that very same logic when a woman gives that same reason. Men have an innate feeling to “conquer” and when a woman changes her name, there’s a deep-rooted feeling of “I won. You are mine” that gets satisfied. This is understandable and it’s hard wired from probably caveman days. But we’re not cavemen and cavewomen anymore. If a woman should choose to keep her name, so be it. It’s not a matter of winning or losing. Those of us who choose to not change our names are attached to who we are as that person; the identity that we’ve associated with that name. Other than maybe giving up a sense of freedom, what exactly does a man give up physically when wed? A woman is expected to give up her name and assume her husband’s identity [in formal invitations only the man’s name is used (e.g., Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so)], and because of biology, a woman gives up her body while pregnant, her energy, her stamina, deals with pain for many hours during pregnancy and birth, faces the issues of staying-at-home or going back to work (depending on what the family unit can afford). I KNOW that men have their concerns and worries but why is it so difficult to accept that there’s a little something that belongs to just the woman that she might want to keep all for herself cause she does end up giving up so much more of herself than a man EVER will?
I'm afraid I have to disagree on some points ... first of all, changing a name is no more giving up something "physical" than giving up a sense of freedom is. (In fact, as most divorced men will tell you, they often give up something very physical when they get married -- money.)
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, I find it convenient when a woman insists on getting married (as opposed to simply being together without that piece of paper) because it's "societally expected," yet wants to pick and choose which parts of that societal construct they want to follow. The big fancy wedding, yes; the piece of paper, yes; the faithful until death to us part, yes; the man spending several thousand dollars on a ring, of course -- it's tradition (because De Beers said so!). I think insisting on all those aspects of marriage (because they benefit the woman or what she wants or her sense of "tradition") while conveniently ignoring another part you disagree with is a bit unfair.
For the record, I'm not as bothered by this as I probably make it sound -- I don't get all worked up about it. But I can't agree with the selective appeal to "tradition."
i actually agree with you in the sense that women choose to pick what they want to follow. it's usually women who live by what i call "a checklist" and if they can't start marking things off the list, they lose it. society's set up these constructs and many women feel that if they don't abide by them they're going to be ostracized or looked at oddly. that's why i think it's important to find a partner who's on par with your thoughts and beliefs. if you want to elope, you elope. you need to do what's right for both of you as a couple.
ReplyDeletebut about the sense of physical...i disagree. when i'm called "mrs. baker" i have great trouble recognizing that it's me being spoken to. the "mrs. baker", to me, is quite physically a different person.
when i was in college and played volleyball, my coach refused to learn my name and quickly nicknamed me "V". the person that i actually became under that name was someone completely different from whom I'm actually was and am. still to this day if someone (accidentally) calls me by that, i freeze up and am returned to a not-so happy time. it physically affects me so much that i've actually had a knot in my stomach before. i've never really had nicknames and i don't go by any nicknames for the very reason that my name is my name.
so, for me, changing my last name really does mean i have to physically gain a new identity. and it's a big deal to me. some women don't look at it so seriously and some women can't wait to change their names for whatever reason. and that's fine. but...not for me.