Moments Fade In, Moments Fade Out

10.02.2010

Today was the Lithuanian Fair. What always hits me is seeing kids grow up, become teens, and young adults, and eventually party like we used to. It’s like watching a movie of my life play out right in front of me only with different stars.

Last year I had an absolute blast. That’s not to say I didn’t have fun this year; I did. But I didn’t drink as much and my circle of childless friends has grown smaller since then. The kind of fun to be had now is on a different level. I don’t hang out at the bar anymore and I’m not looking to find out where the after-parties are going to be. Not that I did all that last year but just…this year seemed emotionally different.

I must admit that throughout the day I felt pangs of desire to have a family. I watched mothers with their little ones go to the “kid’s fun zone” or carrying their very little ones around or pushing them in a stroller and, well, I felt left out. There was a moment where Rob got “attacked” by our friends’ two kids and they kept jumping on him and asking him to give them a piggy back ride (together, mind you) and pretend they were different superheroes and/or villains. It was wonderful watching Rob participate and engage these kids and I momentarily caught a glimpse of a possible future.

But as I sat there watching and observing moments in time pulse in front of me, I also couldn’t help but be saddened though I’m not really able to identify why. Is it fear of the fact that in order to have a child I need to give up the only reality that I now know that is masked in sadness? Is it fear of the fact I may one day regret the decision to never have kids that is masked in sadness? Or is it fear of the fact that I feel alone and that no one can make this decision for me that is masked in sadness?

Those moments that I observed faded in and out like a movie across a screen only that the movie is a one-of-a-kind, for my eyes only. The story, the sequence of events, and the interpretation is written, edited and directed by me. How many stars I want in it is all up to me. Who knows where next year, at this time, this one-of-a-kind movie will have taken me. Part of me eagerly awaits while the other wishes the book were written first so that I could just flip to the last page and find out.