Tears, Chocolate and Letting Go

09.02.2010

Ever have one of those days where the tears just roll down your cheeks? You cry because you can’t open the jar of peanut butter and the chocolate is getting lonely. You cry because a bad driver cut you off and he’ll never know. Then you cry because you’re crying and you’re an adult not a three-year old that then makes you cry even harder because you’ve just compared yourself to a three-year old. Well, I had one of those days.

If my thought bubbles were ever seen, there’d be much confusion, but there would be one that would be clearly seen: I am scared.

Scared of what?

You name it. Spiders, bugs, flying, losing control, having too much control and not living my life, part of my past catching up with me…having a kid…

There’s a woman that I know who chose to never have kids because she was terrified of what it would do to her body/figure. How shallow! I thought. And to let fear dictate you like that...

But looking into the mirror, I ask, how different am I? One of the main reasons I don’t want kids is because of fear. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of losing myself. Fear of losing touch with my husband. Fear of losing my freedom. Fear of regret.

I spewed all these images of fear to someone who then replied, “There are things you’ll give up, yes. But there are things you’ll gain too.”

I know that when one door closes, another one opens. I understand that something has to be given up in order to gain another. Yes, there are moments where I miss being single but would I give up my husband in order to be single all the time? No. I may miss what I now see as the “carefree” days of my teens and early 20s, but would I go back to that time? No.

Kids are a risk and there’s no guarantee. But so is getting in a car and driving across town. So is marriage. So is life. The only guarantee is that there is no guarantee. When I look to all other aspects of my life, I apply this so much more readily. In fact, I welcome it. I like that I have to unravel the mysteries that come my way and be surprised. Why is it so difficult to apply this same strategy to having kids?

Perhaps today’s tears weren’t so much about the fear of what’s to come but more about the fear of one day needing to let go of the only life I’ve ever known.