It Takes A Village

03.29.2010

In yesterday’s Business section of the LA Times (and yes, I still read the actual newspaper), there was an article about teens and shopping, and how merchants have noticed a surge in teens’ spending again which gives them hope that things are picking up economically. Teens, of course, are the “ideal consumer” because they are “unhampered by debt, bills and mortgages, they spend freely and impulsively [and] unlike their time-strapped parents, they hit the malls frequently and stay longer.” [1] And let’s not forget about the pressures of being a teen and how owning the latest album by the hottest recording artist or band, or the latest video game is of extreme importance. Oh, to be a teen again….NOT.

I understand the state of our economy and I understand that without consumers there are no businesses and without business we have no economy. I get that. But what’s frustrating to me is the extent to which these businesses prey on unsuspecting teens. There are pressures that teens face and businesses bank on the insecurities of teens to get them through their fiscal quarter. If you convince the buyer that they are nothing without a product, they will buy. We’ve all fallen victim to this mentality and we’ve all had impulse buys only later realizing that it probably wasn’t the wisest investment. My purse collection is certainly a give-away that I’m not immune to this. But I wonder what are we exactly teaching our youth? Not to mention the economical pressure on parents to keep up with their kids’ desires. One of the things that scared me terribly about the notion of being a parent is that when I was teaching, I would almost on a daily basis see my students with new, expensive pens, pencils, bags, etc. because a few people had the item(s) initially and now everyone had to have it. It may seem petty on my part, but it’s something I noticed and it scares me how much parents felt pressured to indulge their kids.

Oh, and about teaching…who is the ultimate teacher in this, and all, equations? The Parent(s). I’m certainly not going to ignore the role parents play in this. The fact that teens are more prone to impulse buys, I think, is hugely the parents’ fault. Next to the article I cited earlier is the headline “Savings is topic of ‘the talk’”.[2] This column is all about parents who discuss with their kids the importance of savings and require that their kids put away a part of their weekly allowance. This is fantastic! One parent who is $25K in credit card debt, has two mortgages on his home and a $12K loan for a travel trailer said that he’s determined that his daughter not make the same mistakes he did. It’s kind of interesting that when one is in dire straits planning becomes a central issue but when times are good no one pays attention. It is exactly during the “good times” when one should be careful. It’s along the lines of the tortoise and the hare, I think. When you get too pompous and don’t worry at all, you’re going to get caught off guard with the least expected result.

Rob and I often discuss how our schools don’t teach basic economics. Yes, your senior year of high school you’re required to take Government one semester and Econ the next, but I never learned basic check balancing, how to fill out a tax form, or basic budgeting. I think these things are just as important as knowing how our government and economy are run. In fact, they might be of slightly more importance. I know some schools have a Life Skills class but knowing from my mom who had to teach that class to 9^th graders a few times, these basic economic topics are not covered. Parents and schools need to work together to educate their children. It’s not all on the schools’ shoulders and it’s not all on the parents’. I scoff at those who don’t agree with the notion that “It takes a village to raise a child” but, dammit, it does.

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[1] Los Angeles Times, Sunday, March 28, 2010, B1

[2] Los Angeles Times, Sunday, March 28, 2010, B1.

More Baby Blues Comics

03.28.2010

I told you I loved Baby Blues.

This one is for my husband, Rob, because I constantly tell him that when we get that call in the middle of the night, I will roll over as I hand him the phone and say “You’re dealing with this.” My little nod of “respect” to the shenanigans he pulled as a teenager.

(This is from today’s LA Times.)

How Much To Give Up?

03.27.2010

I landed a little gig as an extra on a film shoot today and I was so completely and totally happy to be on a set again. It’s always one kind of an experience to be running your own set but I absolutely love being on other people’s sets too. And the best part of this experience was that it was a very small production so in between takes and/or in between setting up for the next shot, I was able to stick around the set and watch. This is how I learn; I observe. Back in the day I was an extra on many TV shows, thanks to a friend of mine who used to work at Central Casting, and the difference between large productions and small ones is that you are brought to set when they need you and then hauled off set to a waiting area when they don't. So I didn’t get to do that much observation of what was going on behind-the-scenes back then.

As thrilled as I was to be a part of this production, it got me thinking about the baby issue. The workday for me began at 5:33 am, though, ok, I’ll be honest. I didn’t get up until 6:03. I ran around getting my morning routine done, getting the cats situated, reading my “bring with you” list and making sure I had everything packed and ready to go. I had an errand to run before driving to set, so the pressure was on to be sure I got out of the door by a certain time because I had, at least, a 40 minute drive ahead of me. (And, not to mention, that I am morning-challenged, so this is all quite difficult for me.) Once on set, the day turned into a 10-hour day. Now, I’m not complaining because, as I said, I absolutely love being on set and, for the first time, I recognized how much it feels like home to me.

But, let me reiterate: A TEN-HOUR WORK DAY. Now, when I was teaching, this wasn’t unusual, so it’s not like I’m shocked at the long hours but, unlike teaching, I welcome that 10-hour day. But, if there was a baby in our household, not only would that kind of a workday be a problem, I would’ve most likely had to have passed on this opportunity because it came at the last minute and finding someone to stay with the baby ain’t so easy on short notice (something I’ve taken note of over the years from friends who started having kids).

So, this brings me to my constant, seemingly never ending, struggle: How much of what I love to do, do I give up for the sake of a child? And how do I wrestle with the feeling that there’s a strong possibility I’d be resentful if an opportunity like this comes around and I can’t take it because I can’t find anyone to stay with said child?

The Challenges of Going Out

03.26.2010

Rob and I went to see John Mayer at the Staples Center last night which was a great time. I always love spending time with him and am always grateful for the time we have together; however, such occasions always remind me how much I dislike crowds and people. (haha.) I hadn’t been to LA Live yet and we took this opportunity to visit it and see if we could grab a bite to eat before the show but that didn’t work out. The wait at the restaurants was too long and we weren’t sure exactly when John Mayer would get on stage so we opted to grab whatever we could at the concert (bad idea).

The throngs of people walking about LA Live and the amount of time it took for us to finally decide we can’t spare the time waiting to eat made me think about what a production going out has become. I’m sure it’s a product of our age, we’re both older now and our level of tolerance for bullshit is much lower than it was in our early 20s, but I still stand by the notion that it was much easier back then to grab a bite to eat before a show and there was a lot less crap you had to deal with.

The lines to get into a show were much shorter, there were no bag checks, and definitely no metal detectors to go through. I know the latter two are a result of 9/11 but it just gets me thinking about the overall era we’ve entered.

So, overall, what does this have to do with kids? It’s gotten me thinking about what this next generation has to contend with and makes me wonder about what the future holds. It also makes me wonder how Rob and I will be able to have to have an evening like we did once we have kids. The concert was on a Thursday and, while I’m unemployed, we still had to coordinate going into downtown in one car. If we had kids and both were working, I’m not sure this would’ve happened. One of us, most likely me, would’ve had to leave work early, pick up the kid from wherever, and wait for a babysitter to come and then drive separately into downtown unless, of course, I left work at, like, 3 pm in order to get everyone situated and take the bus into Rob’s workplace. This coordination makes my head spin. It almost seems like it’d be easier to just skip the concert unless it falls on a weekend. I know this may seem like a lame thing to think about but it is worth taking up space in my thought bubble cause Rob and I do a lot of extra curricular activities and it seems like we’d have to seriously curb that with kids. I s’pose that comes with territory…but I just wonder about it.

Living For...Now? What's That Like?

03.25.2010

I’ve been so crazed trying to get my project done for tomorrow that I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had a child around. Well, of course I can’t imagine it because imagining is so different from reality. But I wonder about the pressures of “getting it all done”. I don’t know how my mom (or any single-parents, for that matter) did it. And, my mom was a teacher too which, I think, is just as demanding as being a parent. I don’t have any kids right now and, from the moment I wake up to the moment I crawl into bed at night, I have trouble figuring out where the day went. One of the problems is the program that I’m in. I spend my days putting together homework assignments and, because creativity is incredibly time-consuming, everything else in my life gets thrown to the wayside. And I hate that. My plants need watering (I’ve been praying for rain, but, alas, the rain gods aren’t heeding my call), I haven’t been exercising, and I haven’t been going to the supermarket to properly stock our house so we’ve been eating out a lot. And I hate that.

I’ve spent a lot of time blogging about how parents lose themselves in their children’s lives and/or don’t take time out for themselves and how much I find that to be disturbing. But, to counter-argue with myself, I wonder how differently I live my life now? I’m very involved in just surviving school and being able to keep up with the bare minimum needed to run a household (getting food supplies as needed, feeding cats and giving medicine when needed, actually squeezing in a few minutes to talk to Rob and/or my sister during the day, etc.). I think I have to check myself a little bit in that though it may be easy for me to criticize someone for not taking time out for herself (or himself) or taking the time to spend with friends and/or family, I don’t necessarily do that myself now (without kids). It’s important to take a look inward because it may no be completely about the fact that someone has a kid that makes his/her schedule tight, it’s just the way life’s chips falls into place. It’s impossible to have time for absolutely everyone and everything every day.

Baby vs. Job, Part II

03.24.2010

I’ve been working so hard on my school project that’s due on Friday and all this time that I’m forced to dedicate to it makes me grow resentful of the whole thing. I discovered last night that the last time I felt this exhausted in being “creative” was when teaching particularly that second year. Having to put together art projects or creative assignments for the students meant that I had to go through the project myself to try and see what was appropriate and useful, as well as to work out any kinks. I’m not working toward a credential or anything but this amount of time, effort, and dedication for the art program has brought out these negative emotions in me again.

It’s made me re-evaluate what are my short-term goals. I’m so constantly focused on the long-term goals that I put myself in these positions that I find myself in now having lost sight of what I want now and, in doing so, have derailed from my long-term goals. Thus, I am wasting time. Precious, precious time.

This crazy thought ran through my head this week. If I’m so miserable in the art program, through no fault of my own (it’s run horribly and most classes are set up for the student to fail; I guess it’s some sort of a test to see who can “tough it out”). So if I’m so miserable, what next? We all know my challenges with: job or baby, so…why not baby? I was trying to be my own devil’s advocate and was trying to see it from a perspective that I haven’t looked at yet. I may be scared, I may have all these questions, I may worry, etc. etc. etc. But in regards to the goals and dreams that I have career-wise, I may never achieve any of them or I may achieve only 1, neither of which would make me necessarily happy. So at the risk of never achieving a career goal I’m putting aside an opportunity to have a child because I’m hell-bent on making it as a writer, something that, at 35 and as a woman, I have every odd against me. There’s a part of me that wants to “Dare to dream” but there’s another part of me that’s pointing a finger and saying “Show me the odds in your favor and then have a baby”. I don’t know which side to listen to and I wish I had my own guru. It’s always so easy in the damn movies.

Recalling Children's Products

03.23.2010

I want to focus on the issue of recalling baby products with the most recent item added to the list: baby slings made by Infantino.

Now, I know that life has no guarantees and unless we plan to never venture out of our front door, there are certain risks we take by just being alive and going about our daily routine. But what alarms me is the amount of merchandise that consistently gets recalled from baby food to infants’ beds to car seats and now to baby slings. When I read a recent article on the recall of one manufacturer’s infant baby beds, I e-mailed the article to Rob and said that I think I’m going to take on the task of building a bed for our child myself. I mean, not that I’m immune to mistakes, but at least I’d be aware of what screws, nails, and other bits and pieces are being put into the bed. This particular bed written about in the article was being recalled because of the space that was between one side of the crib and the bed where a newborn could roll into the space and suffocate. I think there were also cases of one side of the crib coming apart and as the crib came crashing down, it would fatally injure the baby. I’m sorry, what?!

This is all a product of mass production and we’re sacrificing lives for the sake of saving money. No, I’m not proposing we go back to the days where we go to a carpenter or a furniture builder and request a bed made for us, or a table, or chairs. Well, maybe I am. It would certainly give meaning to the “Made in the USA” label that we, sure as hell, don’t see anymore. But seriously, folks, why are so many defects made? Someone is still making a profit and these recalls are a drop in the bucket for the companies. I heard somewhere that drug companies get their drugs passed knowing that people will die from them because they bank on the fact that the money that they make from selling it will, in the end, still give them a profit even after any trials they have getting sued. So I strongly wonder if there’s a difference with these children’s product companies. We put our trust in these companies because of their claims that they’re looking out for our best interest as parents, but the bottom line is that they’re thinking about just that: the bottom line. And I wish companies, and our government, were more concerned with its buyers, and constituents, because lives are, literally, on the line. And to me, that’s more important than any “bottom line.”

Articles on various items recalled (just in 2010 so far!):

Baby Slings: http://www.csmonitor.com/Money/new-economy/2010/0324/Infantino-baby-sling-recall-Is-your-baby-carrier-on-the-list

Crib Recall: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5752712n

Stroller Recall: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/new-recalls-affect-2-million-baby-strollers-and-cribs-572839/

Food recall: http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/consumer&id=7220171

Baby Medicine Recall (September 2009; includes list of all medicine and their lot numbers): http://www.nowpublic.com/health/tylenol-recall-2009-list-infant-and-childrens-tylenol-recall

Rice Krispy Commercial

03.22.2010

I was watching TV this afternoon while taking a break from an asinine project due in one of my classes and a commercial came on for rice krispies. It was the one where the mother and her two daughters make rice krispy balls, dip them in chocolate, and then dip them into different kinds of sprinkles. I always recoil at all the artificial foods in front of them but that will be a discussion for another day.

The commercial has its intended effect on me with the faded image of the 3 of them and an almost “long ago feel” as soft music plays and the mother playfully talks with her girls. It’s all about developing memories with your children and, of course, rice krispy cereal is the perfect caveat to make that happen. It tugs at your heart because you sit there and reminisce about all those times you baked with your own mother. Though, I never really baked with my mother, I certainly have similar memories that the commercial brings to the surface.

I’ve seen this particular commercial several times but this time I looked at it focusing on the mother who is, most likely, a stay-at-home mom and is taking the time to cook with her girls. Part of me became so jealous because I wish that that’s all I wanted out of life. I wished that I wished for simplicity. I’ve lived my entire life with such complexity and often make my life more difficulty than it has to be and this particular habit doesn’t always work in my favor. I wish that I could learn to live my life a little more plain, a little more…less. I think part of is because I just don’t know how to relax; I never did and so this is a constant battle. And I worry that a child will make me even more anxious. I’ve heard that parents find themselves wanting to be the best individuals they can be when they bring a child into their world and I’m freaking out that I’m already not the best while giving it my all now. I can only see this pressure I put on myself increasing. How do parents (especially women) deal with the pressures of trying to be perfect and managing the simplicity of living in the moment versus constantly focusing on the possibilities of tomorrow or lack thereof?

Baby vs. Job, Part I

03.21.2010

Despite being happy for the most part with where I am in my life, when it comes to the topic of planning a family, I’m getting increasingly frustrated and I’m curious if anyone feels the same way, similar to, or has felt the same way as I.

Very recently, I made the decision that after this semester, I won’t continue with the program that I started last fall. This decision has been several months in the making and, for all intents and purposes, I wish I had made this decision before the semester started but, nonetheless, I didn’t and now I have to wait it out. But the thing that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is how do we, as a family, proceed with our family planning?

Rob’s company is being sold so his future with the company, once it’s officially taken over by a new owner, is unclear. And with me not continuing with my program, the question becomes, Do we start a family now while I’m still unemployed or not? A few days ago I realized that no company is going to hire a pregnant woman so if I get pregnant now, I can’t expect to be hired until after the baby is born. But then I should probably wait a few months past that because I shouldn’t jump into a job right when the baby is born.

If I get a job now, I have to wait to get pregnant until I’ve worked long enough to accrue the necessary time to get maternity leave, and that’s assuming that the company for which I work even has that option.

An even bigger wrench thrown into the dilemma is that there is absolutely no guarantee that I’d get pregnant in time for either situation to pan out. If I look for a job now and get pregnant in the next 3-6 months, I’m “cooked”; no one will hire me. But if I don’t look for a job hoping to get pregnant in the next 6 months and I don’t, I’ve lost the time that I could’ve been looking for a permanent job.

The other side of the coin is that if put off just starting to try to get pregnant for another 18-24 months, I will be around 37-years old and my chances of getting pregnant drop immensely. Do I want to take that risk? And if we’re going ahead with our own biological children, I don’t want just one; I’d like the child to have a sibling. Therefore, we’d have two children under the age of 5 at the same time because I don’t want to be in my 40s trying for a second child.

I’m so incredibly frustrated and I, again, find myself in a situation where I totally resent the fact that, as a woman, I have to face this decision. Men don’t have to face this choice. And I also resent the fact that because I chose to have a life in my 20s, I’m now being penalized for that decision. I chose to do different things while in my 20s and am now ready to “settle down” with a permanent job but I’m faced with having to choose between a job or a baby. I wasn’t ready for either choice in my 20s but it’s almost like I feel like it’s too late for either. Or at least I’m at the point where I feel like it’s getting to be too late for either.

I mean, I talk about how important it is to know yourself and stay true to yourself as an individual and I didn’t have that in my 20s so adding a child to that mix would have been very detrimental to both of us. How is this fair? It’s as if women have this small window of opportunity to do the “career thing” but then, you better rush off to have a kid because, if anything, your body is going to start shutting down and all you’ll have to show for yourself is a career. I don’t agree that women should be having kids in their (late) 40s and 50s but I really do feel the physical pressure of having a kid and the pressure of finding a satisfactory job. I just wish there were some happy medium because I can’t see it now and it angers me.

The Epidural Issue

03.20.2010

I haven’t really done extensive research on epidurals and, as much as I would love to say they’re not good for you or the baby, I don’t have the necessary data to back up that statement. I did some superficial research and found a repetitive list of drawbacks to epidurals as follows:

For the mother, there may be a need for additional interventions once the epidural is given:

• Restricted mobility, IV, and EFM (all epidural patients)
• Increased likelihood of bladder catheterization, oxytocin administration, internal monitoring
• Increased likelihood of operative (i.e. forceps, episiotomy, cesarean) delivery
• Automatic blood pressure cuff throughout labor

Possible Short Term Effects (Mother):

• Dural puncture
• Hypotension (29%)
• Nausea, vomiting, shivering (frequent)
• Prolonged labor
• Uneven, incomplete or nonexsistent pain relief
• Feelings of emotional detachment
• Respiratory insufficiency or paralysis
• Convulsions
• Toxic drug reactions
• Slight to severe headache
• Septic meningitis
• Allergic shock
• Cardiac arrest
• Maternal death

Possible Long Term Effects (Mother):

• Neurological complications
• Backache (weeks to years)
• Postpartum feelings of regret, loss of autonomy
• Fecal and urinary incontinence or bladder dysfunction (inability to urinate)
• Paresthesia ("pins and needles")
• Loss of perineal sensation and sexual function

Possible Long Term Effects (Baby):

• Direct drug toxicity
• Fetal distress, abnormal FHR (can lead to emergency cesarean)
• Drownsiness at birth, poor sucking reflex
• Maternal fever (impeded thermoregulation from numb skin) leads to fetal hyperthermia and neonatal 
NICU workup (spinal tap, etc.)
• Poor muscle strength and tone in the first hours
• Neonatal jaundice
• Decreased maternal-infant bonding, behavioral problems
• Hyperactivity up to seven years (suspected)

http://www.childbirth.org/articles/sideeppi.html

The above info is from 1996-1998 but when I cross-referenced with current data, a lot of the same info came up, particularly the short-term effects for the mother.

What’s interesting, is I landed upon a forum where a soon-to-be mother asked whether she should get an epidural or not and most women responded with an emphatic “Yes!” A few listed some of the short-term side effects but many women commented that they didn’t have any side effects and said they’d have it again no problem.

I’m someone who hates taking any medication of any kind. There are two types of medicines that I take hands down: Excedrin for an oncoming headache (because I am known to get violent migraines) and, when I get pink-eye I take eye drops. I avoid antibiotics and, in fact, I can’t remember the last time I took antibiotics. (I think it’s going on over 10 years now…?) I have managed to always heal myself naturally when I get sick. It may take a few days longer, but I don’t regret it. It’s a matter of listening to my body.

So I’m stuck on this epidural issue. The idea of dealing with contractions is not my idea of “Yay! Gimme some!” Women have told me to imagine the worst cramps I’ve ever had and multiply that by 100 and that’s what you feel for hours. And hours. And hours. This notion makes me want to run away screaming. But, on the flip side, if a woman weren’t capable of handling that amount of pain, children would be born a different way. But, given the drug industry and how much we really don’t know about the drugs we’re given, how positive can we be that there are no lasting effects of something artificial that we inject into our body in the name of “comfort”?

I don’t know…I’m totally open to suggestions and ideas. I mean, I’m not making this decision now, of course; I’m not pregnant. But I’m curious about what you, the reader, thinks.

Sleepless Nights

03.19.2010

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been clipping different comic strips that I find hilarious (especially political ones). One of my all-time favorite comic strips is Baby Blues. I was digging through some memorabilia from my high school days and came across this one and I wanted to share it. I’m usually very good about writing dates down but, for some reason, I didn’t for this particular clipping. Looking at it closely, though, it looks like it was printed in 1991 and it comes from the Los Angeles Times. Back when that paper was super awesome.

Enjoy!

Childbirth and Rollercoasters

03.18.2010

I was watching the TLC show titled A Baby Story and I wish I didn’t intellectualize everything. It can be exhausting!

[Just a side note, TLC should rename their station TES, The Exploitation Station. (Idea courtesy of Rob.)]

Pregnancy fascinates me, terrifies me and repulses me all at the same time. I feel the same way when I’ve cut myself deeply. I acknowledge that what I’m about to say is going to sound completely bizarre but I feel like the woman kind of gets robbed by not being able to see the baby come out of her. Everyone stands there staring at her but the woman doesn’t get to see. I suppose she could ask for a mirror, but I doubt that’s on a woman’s mind at that moment. And I guess while giving birth you don’t really care to see something like that. It’s just something that’s crossed my mind; weird, I know.

I’ve witnessed a childbirth before and I found the entire event to by a beautiful experience. Hearing the first breath a child takes touched my heart in a way I could’ve never imagined and watching the parents cradle their new addition, welcoming him into the world, was wonderful. It’s hard to describe and, I guess, it’s one of those things I shouldn’t try to intellectualize. It’s definitely emotional.

Just like when watching that show. I often find myself welling up with the mother after she gave birth. Why does that happen? I’m, by nature, not an emotional person and I’m constantly surprised at this. I don’t know these people on TV. Other than the 14 minutes or so, I haven’t really entered their lives, know their history, or carry any loyalty to them. And yet, there I am, wiping tears as they hold their newborn.

I sometimes play a game with myself and imagine myself in the birthing room and then I feel the onset of a panic attack. The only thing I can compare it to is a roller coaster. I don’t like them and the only kinds I can kind of deal with are the ones at Disneyland. Splash Mountain is always the worst for me. I enjoy it all the way up until that last hill that you climb. My palms get clammy and I start thinking, “Why did I do this? I hate this. Get me out of here!” The top is the worst when you see the whole park in that split second before you drop; it’s kind of like I’ve peaked in a moment of insanity, then I put my head down and scream. Once at the bottom, I look up, laugh, and think about how much fun that was and I find myself entertaining the idea of doing it again.

So in the fantastical world that is my imagination, that’s how I see myself giving birth. “Why did I do this? I hate this. Get me out of here!” Except…the “ride” is longer than 3 minutes, the climb up that last hill can take hours and it’s extremely painful.[1] Why do women do this over and over? I suppose you take the risk that, like once at the bottom of Splash Mountain, you find that the ride may have been bumpy and, at times, scary, the overall experience was worth it because it provided more pleasure than anything else.

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[1] I’ll address the issue of an epidural tomorrow.

Pregnancy: The Weight Issue

03.17.2010

I wonder how other women feel about the very fact that we’re the one who has to carry a baby for 9 months, gain weight, deal with an even more amount of hormones, and give birth. I understand that there’s no other way around that but it still irks me. Especially the gaining weight part. It’s difficult for me to imagine why some women say they love being pregnant. I see nothing attractive about it. I mean, sure, the ability to grow a life inside of you and actually feel the changes, I would imagine is kinda spectacular, but it’s still not enough to have me jump up and down in joy. I guess maybe something clicks inside of you and that part of you that “doesn’t care” kicks in because you’re totally giving of yourself to let this little being grow. But, it gives me pause.

I’ve had weight issues my entire life. There’s never been a time when it wasn’t in the foreground of my life and I’ve been on some kind of a diet since the age of 9. Since 2003, thanks to the awesomeness of Weight Watchers, I’ve been able to keep most of the weight off but I’m still about 15 lbs over my goal weight (that I reached in 2004 for, like, 2 minutes before I started going up the scale again). I’m slowly creeping down again and I’m absolutely freaking out in my mind about having to gain that weight back. I’ve already talked to a doctor about it and she told me that it’s actually possible to lose weight while pregnant. I also recently learned that for the weight that I’m supposed to be, I should only gain up to 25 lbs. This bit of info actually made me feel a little better because it would bring me to where I am now. If I got pregnant today and gained 25 lbs. it would put me pretty much to where I was when I joined WW and that freaks me out.

People tell me that you have to gain weight for the baby. Well, for someone with my issues, that’s easier said than done. I don’t know how I’m going to reconcile this issue of weight with pregnancy. I really don’t. I see women who are obese or grossly overweight getting pregnant left right and center and it terrifies me. It terrifies me for their health and for what they’re doing their baby. The bad habits that the mother has will transfer over to the child because we are a product of our environment. And given that both Rob and I (and our extended families) have similar issues with food and weight, I just feel like it’s going to constantly be an uphill battle. Just one more issue on my shoulders. How do women (with food/weight issues) handle this?

Society's Standards: Is There a Magic Number?

03.16.2010

I was on the phone today with a friend and after spending hours discussing our mid-term, we started to talk a little about the expectations that society has. She has a 4-year old little boy that she didn’t plan on having, but nonetheless, she is trying her best to do what she can to raise him properly (she and her boyfriend, that is). She was expressing to me how many people have a rough time accepting that she was fairly young having had her son and didn’t marry the boy’s father.

This got me thinking to my own life and how when Rob and I started dating, after about 2 years people started looking at us strangely because we weren’t taking any steps to getting married and starting a family. When I look back on my mid-20s when Rob and I met, I can’t fathom getting married a few years after we met and then starting a family. If that works for others, fine, but that was so not my life. I had difficulty accepting some of my friends’ weddings because I was on a different path and I found it hard to believe that, at 22, these women had something figured out that I didn't. (Arrogant, I know.) When you agree to marry someone, you’re (hopefully) only going to do this once and I was in absolutely no rush to jump into that. You have your 20s once; you have the rest of your life to live with just one other person and I had difficulty comprehending that someone, at 22, would want to give that up.

So why do we try to convince individuals to live their lives by the standards of “everyone else”? Our society tells us from an early age that we can do anything we want and, yet, somehow that magically seems to stop at about age 25 or 26. At that point, if you’re not married, you better be on the fast track, so that by the time you’re 30 you can have your first child. And somewhere in between meeting your partner and 30, you need to buy the “adult” car, with enough room for the little ones, and soon thereafter, buy your first house with the latest furnishings including a dog.

I don’t necessarily begrudge anyone for wanting these things and getting them, I just don’t understand why people look down on those like me who take a different path. Women used to get married at about age 13 and then would have kids right away. Any woman who wasn't married by the time she was 20, would be considered a spinster and often outcast. But the times, of course, have changed and a girl who has a child at 13 or 14 is considered to be too young. So what’s the "magic age"? It’s as if a woman has to be 25, married with the perfect husband (never mind if she’s gay), and with the perfect job that will suit her just fine until she has children, which she should start having about a year after marriage. Is this what our society strives for and should I have altered my fundamental beliefs to fit that mold because, at 35, I fit none of that (except for the perfect husband, maybe)? I feel like you get penalized if you don’t follow society’s path but then, if you do, you still get penalized because you may have wanted to do other things but didn't so as to meet these standards. (I'm, of course, talking about those people who felt like they had to follow the path of least resistance...I'm not talking about those who genuinely wanted to get married and have kids young.)

Potential Memories

03.15.2010

On my walk this morning, I was thinking about a conversation that I overheard yesterday between two men who were talking about their respective hometowns back in Texas. There was one thing that was mentioned that really stuck out for me and not because it’s some brand new concept that I’ve never considered, but, let’s just say, I sort of saw it from a slightly different angle.

The two men were talking about how whenever they go back to the towns in which they either grew up or in which they spent many years of their lives, the town had drastically changed from when they lived there. I’m sure most have experienced something similar where you go back to an area you knew well and it’s changed. The store you used to frequent is now a parking lot or the house in which you lived is now an apartment complex or a completely different house. This is the natural progression of things and no one is immune.

But this idea of going back and visiting a place from your childhood, for example, really stuck with me. My hometown isn’t too far from where I currently reside and, yet, the idea of going and visiting makes me nervous. I’ve been a few times since I moved from there in the late 70s, but it’s probably been over 10 or 15 years since I’ve gone back to visit. And that time was probably the first time since I left. But when I think about that place, the little apartment my mom was renting across the street from the park, I have incredibly fond memories. And this made me think about the possibility of creating fond memories for and with my own child.

This was a rare moment. I imagined having a child sit on my lap and to whom I read a bedtime story. Or holding his/her hand down the street as we tried to catch up to the butterfly that fluttered from one flower to the next. Or sitting on a park bench sharing a sandwich. These priceless moments can’t be manufactured or planned. These kinds of moments are spontaneous and become not only enriching, but help in defining one’s soul. Serving as a mere guide to the world as it exists now is reciprocated in a child’s eyes and imagination when he/she shares his/her insight with you. You can’t get this from another adult. And for a fleeting moment I caught a glimpse of a possible future of having all of those potential memories created. It would be nice to have new memories created with the same richness that I have of those days with my mom.

Kids and Cell Phones: A Necessary Item?

03.14.2010

I hate cell phones. I’ve always hated cell phones and it wasn’t until I went to graduate school that my then boyfriend, now husband, bought a phone for me because I was traveling so far that he wanted me to have one in case of an emergency. If it weren’t for that, I’d probably still not have a phone.

What I don’t understand is why parents give their children cell phones. The most common excuse is, “So I can get a hold of him/her whenever.” This is funny to me because when I was a kid, my mom always knew where I was. And where I was, was either school (can’t talk on the phone there), out with my friends (don’t need a phone there cause I’m actually with my friends), volleyball practice (can’t pass the ball and be on the phone at the same time), or playing the piano (and like volleyball, can’t play the keys and be on the phone). So let’s review, cause I’m a tad bit confused, exactly when would I have needed a phone?

OK, so my mom didn’t know where I was every minute of every day. But does a cell phone necessarily give you that opportunity? I mean, can’t a kid choose not to answer his/her phone and then lie about why he/she didn’t pick up? I think this notion of giving your kid a cell phone so you can track him/her gives the parent a false sense of security. If you truly knew where your kid was all the time, you wouldn’t need to use the phone as a means of contacting him/her. If your kid’s over at a friend’s house, you call the house or the parent in the house to get in touch with your kid. If you directly call your kid, how do you even know if he/she and his/her friends are being supervised? Cause again, just because your kid says the parent is there, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.

As a former teacher, I hate cell phones even more. Students text each other during class providing one more challenge to the teacher. Teachers continuously struggle to keep their students’ attention and now we’ve added one more poison to the mix. And parents have contributed to this. By law, a teacher can’t take away the phone(s) because it’s considered personal property. But just because you’re telling the student to put the phone away, it does not guarantee that the student will or has put it away. Or they might put it away momentarily and then, when the teacher’s not looking, discreetly pull out the phone and resume his/her conversation.

I was recently substituting at Lithuanian school for one of the older classes and I was appalled at the behavior of some of my former students. Today’s thirteen-year old is no different from when I was thirteen. Lord knows I knew it all back then and I was smarter than any “stupid adult” in the room, but in this particular situation, I was disgusted by the amount of disrespect going on with these damn phones. And it was by both the boys and the girls. I completely disregarded the law and immediately started taking away these phones because I honestly didn’t care if they found the sound of my voice boring or their assignment boring; I wasn’t going to allow for such behavior to go on on my watch. They had assignments they needed to do and they didn’t involve texting!

These stupid phones are actually stealing students’ education. The school day should be about school and I wish there were some way to regulate their use. Many schools have policies where the phones should be neatly tucked away in lockers or backpacks, but, yeah, really, people, let’s see the light. That ain’t happening. And parents need to be with it more and help schools enforce these rules.

I can’t imagine what kind of technology will be out there by the time our kids are in high school and it scares me because I’m going to be a very strict and mean parent. Just like I was never of the opinion that a 16-year old should get a brand new luxury car, I don’t think kids should have cell phones. Let me amend that. Perhaps a 16-year old is at an age where a cell phone might be a privilege, but certainly a 10-year old shouldn’t have one. I equate it with what I often saw when I lived in Europe. I would see young kids, as young as 10, smoking. They did it cause it was a cool thing to do and it made them look a certain way but was that really the best decision for them? They needed adults to guide them and teach them and then later, with a solid knowledge about the dangers of smoking, they can make their own decision. Having a cell phone might not fry your lungs, but adults have difficulty in behaving appropriately with them, how can we expect a child to know certain social protocols when no one’s teaching them what they are?

Language and Culture

03.13.2010

I substituted today at Lithuanian school for the adult learning class and we had a very interesting discussion about language and culture. Most of the adults have some connection to Lithuania and some of them grew up with Lithuanian parents who made them go to Lithuanian school on Saturdays but at some point or another they (as kids) didn’t want to go anymore and quit. Now, years later, they regret it and are trying to instill this Saturday routine with their own children. But, what they lament is the loss of the language and not being able to parlay it to their kids.

Growing up in a Lithuanian household in the U.S. was no easy feat, I have to admit. Not only did I have a different name that provided endless hours of fun and creative name-calling for my classmates, but, I spoke a different language. And in public! I remember desperately wanting to have an “American” name and wanting to just blend in. But somewhere right after third grade, and what seemed like months of being called “vagina”, I learned to appreciate and love my name.

Going to Saturday school, though, was never a favorite. And having done that for so many years, I still feel the (American) cultural repercussions of that especially when friends talk about all the Saturday morning cartoons they watched and how funny and great many of them were. I have no idea what they’re talking about and, occasionally, I feel a tinge of jealousy because I can't relate, but I quickly get over it. The gift that was bestowed to me by having this Saturday routine was learning a language, songs, and dance that I wouldn’t trade for any cartoon episode. I also developed friendships with people with whom I’m still friends. I wouldn’t trade that either.

The difference between many Lithuanians and me is that I don’t necessarily call myself “Lithuanian”. First of all, if I did, I’d be denying my Italian and Bulgarian roots. So, in that sense it’s practical. But, more or less, I come from the standpoint that I was born and raised in the U.S. This is my home, I grew up here, I attended school here, etc. I am an American. I am an American who happens to know another language. And it is this gift that I would want to pass along to any children that I may have.

I think Americans do themselves a disservice by insisting that only English be spoken and taught in our schools. Yes, I agree that everyone should know the language. If I moved to Mexico, I would be expected to speak Spanish. The same would go for France or Italy if I moved there. So I think those who move to the U.S. for whatever reasons should learn English. But having said that, I think that we should be teaching other languages in our schools starting at the Kindergarten level.

When you learn another language, it broadens your horizons and understanding of the world. In many ways, I think, it elevates your way of thinking. It helps you understand that particular culture and helps to understand that people in that culture may speak a different language, may dress differently, or live in different types of homes, but they want the same basic things in life that you want. Their literature and poetry will carry the same themes, their music the same concepts, and their daily lives will surface as not that different from yours. When you understand something, it brings clarity to situations and I hate being part of a country that is so narrow-minded and carries herself with such arrogance. Children all over the world learn a second language by the time they’re in second grade and we don’t introduce it by high school. In my opinion, that is the worst age to introduce a foreign language. If anything, kids want to look cool and impress their peers and it’s not through education that they’re necessarily seeking to do these things. And, at that age, because there's no connection to it, a foreign language just seems stupid.

I know my child/ren will have the same issues I had growing up. Hell, I might experience some resistance from immediate family and friends (I know Rob and I had a very unpleasant discussion early on about me speaking Lithuanian to our children but he embraces it today having started to learn the language himself). And such beliefs are going to put even more work on my shoulders to make sure that the rules are followed. And this sentiment scares me because I’m already freaking out about all the responsibilities I will have as a mother. But this is a conviction I have and, I think, because I went through all the trials and tribulations myself, it won’t be a surprise when my kid(s) resist and so, I imagine that, I’ll be able to handle it accordingly. If anything, I come from a very long line of stubborn women…and, well, if nothing else, my stubbornness to succeed in the language department will prevail. Of that I’m sure.

Unless I have an equally stubborn child. Then I’ll, uh, have my work cut out for me.

The Fast Pace: How Good Is It Really?

03.12.2010

So today on my facebook page, two mothers, and two women who don’t know each other, posted a message that had to do with the fact that their weekends were shot because of all the things they had to do that was related to their children. Soccer practice, birthday parties, school fundraisers, etc.

Now I know that parents do all of this because they love their kids and it’s part of the job. So I’m going to sound like a total snob when I say “See what happens when you have kids?” Not to equate pets with kids, but my morning and evening routines are completely wrapped around our cats’ feeding schedule and one of the cats’ medicine schedule. And, because of this rigid schedule, going away for a longer weekend or staying out later than usual on any given night is slightly altered because of this. But I do all of this because the rewards I get from having pets are greater than the scrunchiness I may feel at times because of my lack of flexibility. So, yes, I don’t have kids, but I understand that we do things for pets and people because we love them regardless of what it may entail.

Ok, so, having said that, I’m going to focus on the insanity that parents go through to give it ALL to their kids. Having been a full-time teacher for 2 years and a Lithuanian schoolteacher for 7 years, I have seen what a ragged schedule does to parents. Rob and I often talk about how much of yourself you must give up in order to raise a child, but what scares the hell out of me is, to what extent?

Some years back I read that some couples (up to 5 years before they were going to even start planning on having kids) were signing up on lists for daycares and pre-schools because they wanted to give their child the best. I guess these centers were teaching chess to 6 month olds or composition writing to 3 month olds or something.

I ask, Really, people?

Have we gotten to that level where we’re going to kill ourselves trying to have our kids speak 5 different languages, having them learn every single instrument in an orchestra, and have them play every single sport under the sun? I absolutely refuse to be a part of that culture and I can tell you that if I’m considered to be a horrible parent because I won’t subject my kid(s) to such a rigid schedule, then, well, so be it.

I didn’t grow up with a lot of money so my extra-curricular activities had to revolve around what was either free (playing in the building’s rec room) or one sport at school which cost, I think, $10 for the uniform. I did learn how to play the piano too and went to Lithuanian school on Saturdays, though I never considered that to be an extra-curricular activity. And having done all of these things, I don’t feel like I lost out on something. I told Rob that our child/ren will be able to choose a sport once a semester if they want, but there has to be one sport involved, and they will be required to learn an instrument, though he/she can choose the instrument. They will also attend Lithuanian school because that, to me, is an important part of growing culturally, and, yes, well, perhaps there is a little devil in me that says “I had to do it, so must you!”

But back to teaching… My heart would break every day for my students when I would watch them come into the classroom tired and exhausted from the day/night before. Sure they were teens so they were just normally tired so early in the morning, but I know that many of them had schedules that were hard to keep up with. I just don’t know what real, true benefit we’re giving to children by forcing them to always be on the go. I base most of my creativity that flows around in my head on all of the times I got to play make-believe with my friends or the times I would lose myself in a book. We, as adults, can understand how necessary downtime is and how rarely we get it. Why do we take that away from our children? And how are we better individuals, spouses and parents if we’re tired all the time?

Gays, Children and the Right Thing To Believe

03.11.2010

I’ve been thinking a lot about some friends who are expecting their first child due later this year. Tracy and Jessica are no different from any other newly expectant parents and a few weeks ago, Tracy and I spent a lot of time talking about the notion of parenthood, adoption, and the issues that gay individuals face.[1]

Initially, they had decided to proceed with looking into adoption just in case Tracy would be unable to get pregnant, but upon their first try with, I believe, intra-vaginal insemination, the procedure worked. So they postponed adoption. Tracy and Jessica had used a known donor and Tracy and I discussed the different issues that come up with this scenario.

Tracy admitted that being in California, and particularly being in Los Angeles County, she doesn’t encounter prejudice as much as she would in another state. However, in this process, she and Jessica encountered pretty harsh discrimination.

In discussing the birth certificate, they have a choice of putting the donor’s name on the child’s certificate. If they were to do so and, let’s say, something happened to Tracy during childbirth, Jessica has absolutely no custody rights to the child. The child would go to the known donor even though he entered into this situation not as a father but merely a donor. As difficult as it may have been for all friends involved, they all agreed on a pretty strict and concise contract to outline the roles of each participant so that were anything to occur, the specifics would be clear.

If Tracy and Jessica were a heterosexual couple in the same situation, none of this would apply. If the woman received IVI using sperm from a donor and something happened to her, the donor wouldn’t get custody of the child, her husband would.

This really angers me. This goes beyond discrimination in my books. It’s a complete denial of the existence of one’s partner. It invalidates any feelings, any memories, any plans that two individuals have just because the individuals involved happen to be of the same sex.

And how is this for the protection of the child?

People who are against same sex marriages are incredibly narrow-minded. They would rather a child grow up in an abusive household as long as there’s a mother and a father. Or that the child grow up with an alcoholic parent so long as there’s a mother or a father. Or have the child grow up in a house where there ARE no parents because they’re constantly working, or are using drugs, or had kids to fulfill a social status and otherwise don’t care for them. But, as long as in that house is a mother and a father, it makes it OK.

Why must we define a relationship as real only if it is between a penis and a vagina? A relationship is so much more than just sex and frankly those people who keep saying “It’s against God’s will” or “It’s against nature” are only thinking about one thing: sex.

First of all, what is “God’s will” if not a human putting words into God’s mouth? A human wrote the Bible; it didn't write itself. And because of this, it is subject to interpretation and cannot be considered objective.

Secondly, “It’s against nature” is a stupid argument because homosexuality exists in nature. And not only does it exist in nature but it has existed throughout human history. I love when people try to argue that marriage has been between a man and a woman for all of history. Obviously these people have never heard of little ancient civilizations called the Greeks or the Romans. But that’s just history talk. Boring, edumacated shit.

Sex is a part of a relationship, a way to physically show your love for someone. But it’s not the definition of a relationship. I just yearn for the day when two individuals who love each other and accept each other can openly marry and openly raise a family without laws or people in a completely different county telling them how they can live their lives. (Remember that teeny part of American history when inter-racial marriages were outlawed?) Sigh... I’d rather have a family, no matter who makes it a family, raise children in a loving and comfortable home instead of opening up the newspaper and reading how one more child died in the hands of a foster parent who only cared in collecting state checks or at the hands of his/her own parent. But hey, I guess as long as the foster parent or biological parent is heterosexual then those children’s deaths don’t mean anything. Let’s just keep focusing on the issue of gay marriage and gays raising children because that’s the real threat.

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[1] Names changed to protect identity.