If I Could Save Time in a Bottle

01.31.2011

One month of this new year…gone. Amazing, isn’t it? I sometimes wish that I could experience the world without time. I remember reading that Einstein said that time is relative. Have you ever found yourself feeling like time was dragging and other times, you look at the clock, it’s a certain time and in what seems like a blink of an eye, 5 hours have gone by? Einstein would use that as an example to explain how there really is no such thing as “time.” And I agree. Humans made it up. Once upon a time, the US was all over the place with the clock. Each state tracked time differently but it wasn’t until the transcontinental railroad was built that government unified time.

I think it’d be quite freeing to live in a world without time. Then it wouldn’t be so scary to see its passage on children. I remember adults telling me how fast I was growing up and I couldn’t stand it. I figured they had nothing else to say to me other than lamenting their own lost youth. Now I’m on the flip side of that coin and, dammit, if that’s not how I feel. It’s not like I necessarily wish to be young again. I just wish I had that time. Imagine if we didn’t live in such a linear society... There’d be no “Wow, where did the last 30 years go by?” It would just be. I think we’d be more inclined to live each day in the moment. Perhaps that is a reason people have kids. Small children have no concept of time and each day is filled with wonder. We adults lose those qualities somewhere along the way and our children remind us of the beauty of the moment. And of course, it is those moments that we capture in our minds that instantly become beloved memories, just like yesterday, just like today and just like tomorrow will be...

What Would It Be Like?

01.30.2011

I was thinking about a conversation I had with my 7^th grade teacher recently about how afraid I was to have a daughter because of the often contentious relationships that mother-daughters have. My mom and I weren’t constantly at each other’s throats while I was growing up but it certainly wasn’t harmonious. And when it wasn’t harmonious it was definitely thunderous.

Combining my conversation with my teacher and my memories, it became crystal clear that my personal experiences were shaping my predictions. I had a certain relationship with my mom and I’m assuming I’d have the same one with my own daughter. My teacher said that she had a pretty good relationship with her daughter and if I were to take a moment to think about it, I’d be able to name a couple of other girl friends I know that had a pretty solid relationship with their mother.

What this mentality of mine underscores is how narrow-minded I’m being. What I’ve done is automatically assume that I’m the same person as my mom and that my daughter would be the same person as I. Yes, I will (and already have) find myself mimicking my mother’s ways but I already react to situations as a whole quite differently than my mom. In fact, it’s always been like that; a source of contention between us. I’m sure my daughter would have aspects of my personality but she’ll also have aspects of Rob's. She’d be her own person and I need to trust that I will be my own person and make my own mistakes and have my own triumphs as a parent. Comparing myself to anyone, especially my own mom, doesn’t do me any good. I’d like to take the parts of my mom’s parenting I love and repeat those because, after all, she did raise me so she did something right. (happy, winky face.)

Free The Hikers: Part II

01.29.2011

Briefly on the event the other night… It included a short documentary on the hikers and their plight with interviews with family members and Sarah Shourd herself. It was heartbreaking to listen to what the mothers went through when they found out that their children were caught and detained (and what they’re still going through). The Iranian government has lead them on several times about their release by giving an official release date, but the date came and went without incident. Since the hikers were caught, the mothers have spoken to their sons two or three times and were granted a visit once. The entire situation is horrendous and the overall treatment of the hikers underscores how dark humanity can get.

I imagine that when a child is born, parents want to do everything in their power to protect him/her. As a result, I can understand how this alone makes it difficult for a parent to let go of a child at any stage. The world is a scary place. It’s hard to fathom what it feels like to suddenly lose a family member in whatever capacity like murder or political prisoner.

This is going to seem like a silly comparison but some years back my sister and I had a deep schism in our relationship that culminated in our not speaking to each other except for an occasional moment at a family function two or three times a year. This was an excruciatingly painful time for me because I had to learn to let go. With 7 years difference between us, I’ve often expressed maternal instincts toward her and I wanted to protect her from the situation she was in but I couldn’t. I also didn’t know for how long she’d allow herself to be in that situation and I didn’t know if our relationship was irreparable. Luckily, it was. But I understand the deep desire for something to be a certain way and yet you can’t change it no matter how desperate you are. You have to let the child (or sibling) go through the storm and find ways to let him/her know that when he/she finds his/her way back to land, you’ll be their lighthouse. My wish is for those hikers’ storm to end quickly and for them to come home to the lighthouses that wait shining and patient.

Phoning It In Today

01.28.2011

I’m phoning it in today. I have had pink eye for the past 2 weeks (I keep getting relapses) and my eyes are strained beyond belief right now because I’ve been staring at a computer screen getting ready my Lithuanian school lessons for the next 3 weeks. So I’m sure there’s much heartbreak for me not writing anything.

Free The Hikers: Part I

01.27.2011

I’ve had an incredibly intense emotional day today so the most that I can do is post a link to a website that gives information about the hikers that were detained in Iran. I heard Sarah Shourd, who was released in September, speak tonight and was greatly inspired. I promise to write more about this tomorrow when I have the head space to do so but Sarah’s mother was present tonight and the two gentlemen that are still detained have mothers back home here in the US that wait to hold their sons once again. If you have a child, I’m sure you can imagine the pain that these mothers endure knowing their sons are in confinement for no reason and for an indefinite period of time.

http://freethehikers.org/

Octomom's Babies Turn Two

01.26.2011

This video was in the sideline of Yahoo! and I couldn’t help but click on the video because I find Octomom so repulsive. Underneath the video is written the following:

“Sixteen candles? The first surviving octuplets are turning two Wednesday. But they probably won't be the last: thanks to fertility drugs, multiple births like Nadya Suleman's are becoming more common.”

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(As the day before yesterday’s video, there’s no way to post it up on blogspot, so here’s the link):

http://whoknew.news.yahoo.com/?nc&vid=23961800

Sexualizing

01.24.2011

Rob passed along the following video that’s from a new segment on the Today Show about parenting. Today’s topic was about daughters and the push for pink and princesses. Author and mother, Peggy Orenstein whose book Cinderella Ate My Daughter, was a guest talking about the sexualizing of girls and how the push for girls to be beautiful and sexy is getting younger and younger.

A psychologist on the show wasn’t able to present evidence to show prove or disprove Peggy’s argument and said that there weren’t enough studies done to look at the consequences but that it ultimately is up to the parents to be role models. Your children will learn to behave from you and they will learn what to value from you. The most important piece of advice the psychologist had to offer, though, is that if you let your children watch TV, to open up communication about what it is their watching.

Unfortunately, there’s no link to post it up on blogspot (only twitter and FB), so here’s the link to the video (It’s about 6 minutes long.):

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/3041445/vp/41231263/#41231263

Double Standard

01.23.2011

I’ve always thought there was a double standard in the treatment of sons and daughters. Sons are allowed to go out with friends at an earlier age, dads don’t have a problem with their sons dating (at any age) but don’t want to let their daughters out of the house until they’re over 30, or sons get away with bad behavior because, well, shrug-of-the-shoulders, “they’re just being boys.”

I don’t think only dads get caught in this mentality either. I think moms might be bigger culprits because their sons are their “little boys” who can do no wrong (even at age 55). Relationships with daughters tend to be a different story. I think mothers hold more over their daughters and hold them more accountable. I’m, obviously, speaking in generalities. I once knew a mother who not only was harder on her son who happened to be the 2^nd born, a position in the family that lends itself to being able to get away with more, but this mom would often take the side of her daughter if a fight broke out – even if she saw the daughter instigate it. But the reason I remember this is because in all my years of working with kids and parents and studying a little bit of psychology, I found this to be unusual.

Recently, Parenthood (a favorite show of mine, in case you didn’t pick up on that) created a storyline that a 16-year old daughter started dating a 19-year old recovering alcoholic, and the parents prohibited her from seeing him. This, of course, created tension and the daughter rebelled. The parents argued that their daughter was too young to deal with such adult problems that the guy brought to the table.

As much as I agree with the parents, I have to wonder if the genders were reversed, would there be such opposition. For example, when talking about teachers with a group of guy friends, they all agree that it’s “awesome” when a teenager “hooks up” with a female teacher especially if they consider her to be hot. But it’s definitely “pedophilia” if an older, male teacher “has sex” with a student. To me, both are wrong, but that’s the double standard I’m talking about.

Why do we coddle girls? Why do we feel we have to protect them more than we do boys?

For anyone with a daughter, would you let her date an older person? And would you apply the same rule(s) to a son?

A Birthday Story

01.22.2011

Thirty-six and half years ago, upon finding out she was pregnant with me, my mom went back to school and, while pregnant, took a chemistry class whose final was scheduled for this day (today). The instructor told my mom that he had no problem with her taking his class entering her 9^th month of pregnancy as long as she promised to not go into labor during the final. She agreed because my due date wasn’t until a week later.

What she didn’t promise is that I wouldn’t come on that day at all. When she called to tell him that she wouldn’t be showing up to the final because she was in labor and asked if she could postpone taking the exam, he tossed in a joke (which I can’t remember) and let her take it at a later date. True to my nature, I hate being late and always try to arrive early.

I wonder what our child’s delivery story will be…

(It will probably somehow involve me calming Rob down.)

Parent-Child Relationships

01.21.2011

The following is an excerpt from the latest episode of Parenthood. It simultaneously helped me understand my mom a little bit and it also helped me see myself perhaps saying something very similar one day…

(Mother, Sarah, is talking to her daughter, Amber.)

“I’m sorry you’re not doing the open mic night, I feel bad about that. You know, when you have kids, if you have kids, there’s something you should know. Very confusing thing they don’t tell you. You see so much of yourself in them. You see your ironic take on the world, you see your smile, your walk, your sense of humor, whatever, and you think they’re you. But they’re not you and they shouldn’t have all of your baggage, your fear and your insecurity, and your life experience because that’s not fair. They have their own. Your song is beautiful. It’s haunting and moving and it’s so you. And that’s all I should’ve said to you the other night. I’m so proud and I’m so impressed and I’m so in awe of you. And I want you to just go out there and fly. You can fly.”

An All-Around Oddball

01.20.2011

One of Rob’s cousins is having her baby in two months and I was thinking about what it must be like being in your last trimester. I then momentarily put myself in her shoes (as best I could, of course) and thought, “I’d have about 8 weeks left until the baby is born.”

I freaked out. I mean f-r-e-a-k-e-d out with slightly altered breathing. I had to remind myself that I was only conducting a mental exercise. I think I’m probably the only person on the planet that is this terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like this makes me such a weak individual and that those women who’ve given birth have some sort of a special power for which I got passed over.

I mean, most women can’t wait to a mom. I, obviously, can.

Most women want to be depended on. Just the idea of that makes me cringe.

Most women have a checklist of things they want to accomplish with a family (like have kids, buy a house, kiddie sleepovers, etc). I never made a checklist like that but I certainly have a checklist of the things I want to accomplish.

There are women who can’t stop having babies. I tip-toe around contemplating if I should just have one.

These and other things I’ve observed over the years make me feel inadequate as a woman, like I’m missing some sort of a screw somewhere in the maternal department. I’ve certainly grown more comfortable with the idea of having kids in the last 10 months or so; there’s no argument there. But I still haven’t felt that spark that women talk about. It’s more like, “Well, I’m about to turn 36, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it.”

Is that any way to start a family?

I sometimes watch the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress and there have been brides who tried on dresses and despite their family and friends saying they look amazing, the brides say they don’t feel that “wow factor” that they say you have to feel when you find a dress that’s “the one.” That’s how I feel on the topic of having kids. I don’t feel that “must-have-a-kid-wow factor.” And I feel like that’s wrong somehow, even makes me feel slightly cheated. Although, thinking back to my own wedding, I was the oddball bride who did not care AT ALL what my dress looked like, all I cared about was that my mom made it. I had the world’s most simple dress because, to me, it wasn’t about the dress. It was about sealing my love, commitment and friendship with Rob.

So there you have it. Odball all around. Sigh…

You'll Make a Great Mother

01.19.2011

A number of people compliment me by saying that they think I’d make a wonderful mother. This comment doesn’t sit well with me because how good of a parent could I possibly be if I’m not someone who’s running out to be one?

Loud Smiles and Joys

01.18.2011

There’s a particular joy that arises when a toddler comes into the room and smiles. There is also a particular joy that arises when the same toddler discovers how annoying screaming is to adults and I get to leave.

“You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have The Facts of Life…”

Martin Luther King, Jr and Tracy Chapman

01.17.2011

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I’d like to share the lyrics to Tracy Chapman’s “Across the Lines.” I believe that much has been accomplished since the days of slavery and the civil rights era of the 1960s but there is still much needed that could change. It’s easy for me to say, of course, because I don’t have to walk in the shoes of a black person in the US on a daily basis, but I would like to be optimistic.

Perhaps there will be a generation where not only blacks and whites will look beyond the color of one’s skin and see each other as people first and foremost, but that such a mentality will cross over into the treatment of other minorities, religions, and ethnicities.

Across the Lines

by Tracy Chapman

From her self-titled debut album, 1988

Across the lines

Who would dare to go

Under the bridge

Over the tracks

That separates whites from blacks

Choose sides

Run for your lives

Tonight the riots begin

On the back streets of america

They kill the dream of america

Little black girl gets assaulted

Ain’t no reason why

Newspaper prints the story

And racist tempers fly

Next day it starts a riot

Knives and guns are drawn

Two black boys get killed

One white boy goes blind

Across the lines

Who would dare to go

Under the bridge

Over the tracks

That separates whites from blacks

Choose sides

Run for your lives

Tonight the riots begin

On the back streets of america

They kill the dream of america

Little black girl gets assaulted

Don’t no one know her name

Lots of people hurt and angry

She’s the one to blame

Across the lines

Who would dare to go

Under the bridge

Over the tracks

That separates whites from blacks

Choose sides

Run for your lives

Tonight the riots begin

On the back streets of america

They kill the dream of america

Proud Teacher

01.16.2011

While doing some yard work today, I was thinking about my day yesterday with my 8^th graders and realized that I was really proud of them. We read a somewhat difficult story in class in which there were a lot of new Lithuanian vocabulary words, but they stuck with me and we worked through it together. I’m building the curriculum as we go so these stories that we’re reading are new to me and, as a result, I can’t really predict how the lesson is going to go. The great thing about building a curriculum from scratch (and having a principal who lets you do so) is that you have total freedom but the drawback is also that you have total freedom and that you have a 50-50 shot of the story being engaging. By never having taught a story, you enter the lesson blindly, if you will. So when I’m able to grab the students’ attention enough to see in their faces that they’re thinking about my questions I’m very proud of them. And I hope I remember to tell them so next week.

Driving While Angry

01.15.2011

This morning, I was almost involved in an accident that would’ve been caused by an angry woman driving erratically.

When at a stop sign getting ready to make a left-hand turn, I noticed a car speeding down the street and decided to wait and see if the car would stop because for a moment it didn’t look like it would. When it stopped and I felt like my life wasn’t in danger, I started to turn and noticed a woman driver with a scowl on her face and a kid sitting in the front seat. There may have been a child in the backseat but I didn’t get a chance to see because mid-turn, the woman started to drive, flooring the accelerator and driving around me. I laid on the horn and yelled for only the air to hear, “You have a damn kid in the car!”

I could tell by one glance that this woman was angry and that she shouldn't have been behind the wheel. In addition to the danger she was posing, she was teaching a horrible lesson to her kid(s). I don’t know what happened to warrant such a reaction from her, and hopefully she wasn’t involved in any kind of an accident, but she certainly took a large gamble by getting behind the wheel in such a state of mind.

I’m not saying that I’ve never driven when angry. I have, and it's not right. I always feel silly once I calm down because no one else on the road knows I’m angry except that my hands are gesturing all over the place and I'm yelling or driving erratically. So what does that accomplish? We all gamble with our lives when we drive, so why do we choose to raise the stakes instead of taking a couple of minutes to calm down? And why do we increase the stakes even more with kids in the car?

I recently read something that has stuck with me: It’s better to lose a second in your life than lose your life in a second.

Be smart. Kids are learning.

God's Gift

01.14.2011

I don’t understand families that choose to have an excessive amount of children. The usual excuse offered is that children are “God’s gift” and though I’m not inclined to disagree, I don’t see it as a reason to keep having them.

A Day at the Park

01.13.2011

I was at the park today with a little girl I was babysitting and I closely observed the other patrons. Many were sitters, others were mom and an occasional father and grandparent were there as well.

I was reminded of the time when I would go to the park often when I babysat in college and realized that about 14 years later, there seemed to be more men involved in the child’s care. Of course, it could’ve just been the way today rolled out but nonetheless, it was nice to see some men. And not just that, they were actively engaged with their kid.

I did notice that the boys were more rambunctious than the girls which is typical, I think. One caretaker I struck up a conversation with was watching three girls at the same time and said give her girls any day; boys don’t stop. Ha!

Passing Thoughts

01.12.2011

- What makes up a person’s personality? How much of it is parental influence and how much is innate?

- Why and how do some children grow up to have a different set of values from their parents?

- It never ceases to amaze me that siblings can grow up under the same roof with the same parents and yet grow up to be completely different.

- What makes a child more sociable than another? How much of a child’s hesitancy to be social because of a parent’s fears and how much is it because it’s innate?

- Why could a parent have a more challenging relationship with one child than another?

Who Pays for Baby?

01.11.2011

In the LA Times Business Section last month, there was an interesting article about who pays for having a baby. Apparently, Californians who have to buy private insurance find maternity benefits to be scarce and expensive. Here are some highlights that I found striking throughout the article:

- The average cost to deliver a baby has reached nearly $13,000. With maternity insurance, the bill can be as low as $250.

- 81% of women who buy their own policies, don’t get maternity benefits because it’s too expensive.

- Pregnancy itself is a problem for health companies. Many consider it to be a pre-existing condition; therefore, you won't get covered if applying for coverage after becoming pregnant. (This is my favorite.)

- Blue Shield and Anthem Blue Cross are the only private insurance companies to offer maternity benefits but at an astronomical cost.

What’s fascinating to me is that so many people encourage healthcare privatization (especially with universal healthcare in our midst) – and yet, to have a baby with private insurance could bankrupt you. How is this logical?

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will create ways to not help you.

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will find ways to charge you for one.

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will limit your options.

I’m not saying it should be free or that the government should pay for you to have a baby. Of course that’s not what I’m saying. You make the decision to have a baby, you should pay for it. BUT, it should not be considered a pre-existing condition, you should not be limited to just two insurance companies who are looking to rape you with costs, and something is definitely wrong when there’s a $12,750 difference between a couple having a baby that is insured and one who is not.

Quote

01.10.2011

One of the quotes that I’d have up on the bulletin board when I was a teacher was the following:

Failure isn’t falling down, it’s staying down.

What a wonderful reminder.

Staying True

01.09.2011

There really isn’t anything like doing something that you love. I spent the day working on a creative project…or rather, working on some promotional material for a creative project with the help of a group of people. When you find yourself with a group of creative souls and see projects moving forward, it’s so gratifying. Perhaps one day I might be able to make a living off of this.

But whatever may come, I hope to keep these projects as a high priority should we have a kid. It’s important to have an outlet where you do something you love. A child would make it difficult for me to work on such projects like I did today but I would shrivel up and die inside were I to stop. I’d have to make it work somehow. I would just have to. Besides, I’d feel like I’m cheating my child out of a proper example of staying true to yourself and your dreams.

Pregnancy and Hollywood

01.08.2011

I monitor women in film closely and, in fact, it was a research topic while in grad school only it was women in silent film and how the role of the woman on screen represented real life, if at all.

Hollywood has a history of not being kind to women and when an actress reaches my age, it can be counted on that her star is on its way out. This is unfortunate because by the time one reaches my age, hopefully, one has grown into one's own skin. I remember reading that sentiment in my 20s and not understanding what it meant, cause I thought I was “comfortable” back then, but I wasn’t. Nothing like I am now.

For an actress, I imagine that once you reach a point being comfortable in your own skin, it's at that point when you can really take chances and explore roles. But if Hollywood is finding ways to escort you to the door, how are you able to grow as an artist?

Recently, I read an article in the LA Times (and I’m sorry I didn’t keep it and I can’t find a link) and how women in film are changing Hollywood. My generation broke through more barriers than the previous one and now women in my age group are driving the sales in movies. And what we’re interested in ain’t kiddie, perfect romance movies. Yes, there’s always room for a romantic comedy or tear-jerker drama but what studios are finding is that women want to see women on screen that are more like themselves. As a result, we’re seeing more women in their 40s and 50s getting work and not just getting work, but kicking ass while they’re at it.

This phenomenon is affecting other areas of Hollywood too with women producers, writers and directors. This is fantastic!

What I’m wondering, though, is how the image of a pregnant actress is going to change. I know from my actress girlfriends that a baby is death to a career; no one wants to see it. But I’m wondering if that mentality is changing especially with phenomenal actresses like Natalie Portman being pregnant.

It’s not easy for women, by any means. But I’m happy to see changes however subtle they may be.

Reminders

01.07.2011

I recently was sent photographs of the kids I used to baby-sit and it’s been a while since I’ve seen a picture of the boy for whose birth I was present. I stood in my kitchen and just stared because I couldn’t believe that 13 years had passed. I know it sounds cliché and the passing of time only gets faster with each year we witness, but it was just hard to accept.

I’ve been told often by someone I know that children are ours not only temporarily but really just as a loan. Yes, they are ours biologically and we have that tie to them, but… they really aren’t. We bring them into the world but we don’t own them. From the beginning the child experiences life on their own with his/her interpretations and understandings so, ostensibly, we’ve never truly had them.

The pictures of the kids that I used to baby-sit reminded me how precious is our time and how important it is to value your loved ones. We don’t get yesterday back and we don’t get to relive today. I think children are part of that reminder.

Childhood Fond Memory Snacks

01.06.2011

We all have fond memories from our childhood and a lot of mine are closely intertwined with food. Shocking, I know.

So to indulge in the sweet nature of narcissism that is blogging (pun intended), I’m going to share some of my favorite childhood snacks.

Frosted Animal Cookies – For my 9^th birthday, my mom said she’d buy treats for me to share with my classmates. As a grad student, she didn’t have a lot of money so I knew I had to pick my treat wisely and economically. My favorite cookies were the Frosted Animal cookies and though I don’t eat them anymore, I smile whenever I see them.

Doritos Cool Ranch Flavor – 5^th grade. If you didn’t have them, you were not cool.

Skor Candy Bar and a New York Seltzer – Summers of 1986 and 1987. If you didn’t consume these in massive quantities and, most importantly, together, you were not cool.

I wonder what will be our child’s “fond memories snacks?” (Hopefully a healthy one will be thrown in.)

Tea Kettle Foreshadow?

01.05.2011

The other day, I did something that, of late, I’m getting really good at. And I’m not proud of this special skill I’ve developed.

About six months ago, I started forgetting pots and pans on the stove while they’re cooking. It started out with a couple of “oops” and slight burns to a pot but I soon graduated to burning a pot so severely that the bottom of a stainless steel pot came off. Yes, the entire, ½ inch bottom layer of the pot came off as if I took a meat slicer and sliced the puppy right off.

This concerned me, to say the least, and I’ve been making an effort to use our kitchen timer and focus on one to two things at a time when in the kitchen.

Well, the other day, I decided to heat up some water for tea and, while waiting for the kettle to start whistling, I thought I’d get ready for a shower. I figured that I’d get my tea ready and while I showered it’d cool down for me to drink. I put the kettle on and 15 minutes later, in the middle of my shower, I realized I left the kettle on. I launched myself out of the shower, threw open the bathroom door to find our cats meowing at the door (something they never do) and dripped my way to the kitchen to take off the shrieking kettle. I thanked God that I, at least, filled the teapot with more than enough water so there was no danger of burning (off) anything.

But…

…I couldn’t help shake off this feeling of dread. What’s going on with me? I asked myself. I got back into the shower and was reminded of an article I read in Parenting Magazine last spring about parents who accidentally leave a child in the car and he/she dies. I started the article with judgment and “How could you?”-type questions but when I finished it, I thought about how quick I was to judge. I leave stuff on the stove all the time and forget about it. I’ve driven to places, spaced out, and couldn’t tell you how I got there. Life happens and when routines get altered at the last minute anything can happen.

Nonetheless, this terrifies me. Who’s to say I couldn’t be one of those parents who leave their child in the car? I often space out and I’m always thinking of, at least, 50 things at once. I plan my life days in advance, I use post-it notes and calendars, I go over my routines in my mind…but that might not be enough. I can barely live with the “almosts” I experience now, I can’t imagine having to live with the death of my child knowing that I caused it.

Children's Clothes

01.04.2011

Why are toddlers’ clothes so damn cute?

Baby Blues

01.03.2011

Little did I know about the fun games that come with being a parent…

Autism and Other Disabilities

01.02.2011

I watched the movie Temple Grandin on HBO that stars Claire Danes whom I absolutely love. She plays the woman Temple Grandin who is an autistic person and overcomes challenges to create a system for slaughterhouses that are more humane for cattle. It’s a wonderful movie, very well done and, obviously, well acted.

The movie often touches upon instances of hardship for Temple growing up, painfully sticking out from the rest, observing and interpreting the word differently. Students made fun of her and some would go out of their way to be mean.

It breaks my heart how cruel we are to each other. I understand that kids may not know any better but in my limited amount of child observation, I think it’s safe to say that if a child goes out of his/her way to be cruel to another child or make fun of them, it stems from something deeper. I would say that the parents aren’t doing their job in steering the child into a more compassionate circle. Of course, each scenario is different and, as I think I’ve mentioned a while ago, I’m not immune from being a part of a crowd that makes fun of someone.

I think it boils down to education. Unfortunately, I’ve worked with children who have some sort of a learning disability and though I’m not equipped to diagnose, there are ways to guess that a child’s learning ability is off. What breaks my heart is when parents refuse to accept that their child has a problem as is often the case in the Lithuanian community with those parents who are immigrants. They believe their child’s inability to learn is a reflection on them so it’s easier to ignore the problem. And any blame is placed on the teacher.

Whatever the situation, being aware of a child’s needs is important and even with the array of knowledge that our society has on the different disabilities I think we could do more. I think parents can do more.

Should Parents Know If Their Teen is Having Sex?

01.01.2011

Our TV was out of commission for most of December and though this was a blessing in disguise, I did get backed up on some of my shows. One of those shows is Men of a Certain Age. I love Ray Romano, what I can say.

Last week’s episode brought up an interesting issue with teenagers. Ray Romano’s character catches his daughter’s boyfriend naked in the bathroom and realizes that his daughter’s having sex. When he confronts her about it she says a bunch of different things including, “You didn’t expect me to be a virgin when I went to college?” and “Mom knows.” It’s this response that bugs me.

Ray Romano’s character and his wife are divorced and the kids mainly live with their mother. He realizes that his daughter’s been using his place to have sex. When he tries to talk over with his wife the issue of their daughter having sex, she’s rather blasé about it. He tells her she should’ve told him but the wife disagrees. She says their daughter confided in her and asked not to tell him. This makes him angry and insists that their daughter having sex affects him too and he should’ve known about it.

I found myself siding with him but when I imagined myself being put in the mother’s shoes, I wasn’t so sure. If Rob and I had a daughter and she confided in me that she was having sex, for example, would I share that information with Rob? I think I should. But what if the daughter asks for confidentiality? How do you tow the line? You, as a parent, want to make sure you keep the line of communication open with your kid(s) so you don’t want to betray him/her. But I think while the kid is living in your house, both parents need to be aware of his/her actions.

In the show’s case, the daughter was using her dad’s absence during the day to have sex. This is wrong on so many levels and the fact that it’s happening at the dad’s place the daughter’s involved him. What if something happened to either her or her boyfriend? The dad would be held liable. Ok, so I’m going into lawyer territory here (I’m a lawyer’s wife), but I think the writers on the show dismissed an entire issue and they shouldn’t have. I sometimes feel that our society is more favorable toward women on these issues because of “women power” and I don’t agree. Not when it inhibits one parent from being a parent or pits one parent against the other. I think the dad had every right to being angry. He can’t make the decision for his daughter whether or not to have sex but he should’ve been made aware of it.