An Individual, A Couple and Then a Family

04.30.2010

I’ve resolved in my head to stop somehow convincing myself that because I may not necessarily agree with a parent’s decision that I’m going to do exactly that too. There’s this weird psychology I conduct on myself. I see a or hear about a parent making a choice I don’t agree with, I get all worked up cause I play out the repercussions in my head and how unfair they are to the child, and I, in turn, tell myself, “See, here’s one more reason not to have a child cause you’re going to make wrong decisions just like this parent and it’s going to screw it all up for them.”

I don’t want to think like that anymore. Despite me not agreeing with a parent, the fact of the matter is A) they are doing the best that they can at that moment with the knowledge that they have and B) Lord knows there's gonna be a parent or two or three that’s going to disagree with my decisions. So, let that go.

But what I will focus on are those parents that I feel are doing it right. One of the things that scares me immensely is how much my relationship with Rob will change. I’ve seen first hand, several times, in fact, what a child does to a couple and how a disconnect begins and how the woman becomes so child-obsessed that she literally starts to ignore her husband forgetting that she is a half of a unit. I don’t want this to happen and after a lunch Rob had with a divorce attorney friend who confirmed that most divorces happen not because of money but because the woman forgets about her husband, this is much more a reality than I think our society cares to admit.

So I look to those who frequently take the time to be together without their children to remind each other that they are individuals first, a couple second, and a family third. And, even though I’ve doled out numbers, it might seem that I’m separating each but, in fact, I believe all three work together simultaneously; however, each element is part of the whole and deserves as much attention as possible. Without a balance within each element, a darkness will start to grow equivalent to what I call a cancer. I desperately want balance in my life and I want to focus on those individuals that I feel seek that balance in their lives too. Thank you to those couples that believe that as much as I do. You’re an inspiration to me and you are proof that it is possible to still have a life and children too.

Death Doesn't Operate on Convenience

04.29.2010

I found out some horrible news this morning that my friends, Tracy and Jessica, who I wrote about at the beginning of my blog, lost their baby last week. This has absolutely devastated me…

I can’t begin to explain how thrilled I was for them when I found out Tracy was pregnant. I was honestly overjoyed and knowing the challenges that they already faced just to get to that point in their journey and what was ahead of them, I positioned myself on their sidelines with pom-poms silently cheering every step of the way. Knowing them, spending time with them, and talking to them made it so refreshing to see and hear two adults who thought it through, who made the decision to have a child in their lives not as a result of filling some void or because it was the next thing on their checklist but because they knew it was the right time to expand their family. It seems so unfair that these two should have this taken away from them so cruelly when people have babies without putting an ounce of thought into it or make the decision to have a baby for all the wrong reasons. It’s just so unfair.

I feel my friends’ pain and I grieve for them and for the soul that was lost…I am so sorry...

TV Inspires II

04.28.2010

Watched an episode of Parenthood and there’s a scene where Adam’s wife comes back from a weekend away where she helped an old friend on the campaign trail. She was explaining to Adam how exciting it was to be back in the workforce and how great she felt, and that she was offered a full-time position as the candidate’s Communications Director and that she really wanted the job.

At that point, Adam said he supported her and that they’d figure out how her schedule would coincide with the kids’ schedule and that they’d have to make a lot of adjustments (especially with the recent diagnosis of their son’s Asberger’s), but that they’d figure it out. As he was pin-pong-ing ideas of how to make it work, you could see the look on his wife’s face grew more and more long and filled with concern because it was a lot of adjustments just so that she could take the job. At the end of the scene, she decides that it just wasn’t the right time to take a job.

I thought I’d cry a river at this point because that’s EXACTLY how I feel about kids as a woman: Do you have kids and give up a career and 18 years later look in the mirror and ask, Where am I and why? Or do you forfeit the kids and run the risk of 18 years going by and regretting your decision looking in the mirror and asking, Where am I and why?

I guess…either way…you’re asking the same questions.

Laughter Is Truly Medicine

04.27.2010

My sister and I helped out my good friend who runs Writers Bloc Presents at an event tonight with Carol Burnett and Tim Conway. My sister told me of an incredible story that a woman told her that really touched both of our hearts and I wanted to share.

This older woman’s mother is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s but whenever she and her sister put on a Carol Burnett album, their mother returns to them, even if it’s for a few moments, and the three of them can be present together in the room laughing at the jokes Carol Burnett says just like old times when they’d watch her show on TV. And every time that happens, this woman and her sister cherish these moments as if they were pieces of gold…

This touched me so much because it reminds me that it doesn’t matter who you are, in the end, we’re all going to die in some way and what’s most important is having our family with us in whatever way possible. That, and any memories we have and share, is what will pull us through.

Jillian Michaels: Pregnancy Comment

04.26.2010

I got really angry to find out that Jillian Michaels, formerly on The Biggest Loser and now a weight trainer, got criticized for making a comment about not wanting to ever be pregnant for what it will do to her body. She apparently is so obsessed with health and the image of her body that she doesn’t want to become pregnant because of how it will alter her body and so she plans to adopt instead.

Psychologists attacked her, among others, for putting the idea in women’s minds that it’s bad to be pregnant and blah-blah-blah and they’re afraid her comment is going to give women the wrong idea about pregnancy.

Oh, my…first of all, I totally know where she’s coming from. Having struggled with weight my entire life, I’m gonna have to work quadrupally hard to take off the excess weight I will gain from being pregnant. It’s very difficult looking at women that I know are naturally skinny, go through multiple pregnancies never looking like they’ve gained more than 10 lbs. and then end up looking BETTER post-pregnancy than they did before.

I mean, seriously, how the hell is that humanly possible? It's very difficult to remind myself that we're all different. I have to tap into very deeply hidden parts of me to keep the zen on.

So, I get what Jillian Michaels is saying and anyone who criticizes her for that comment doesn’t have a weight problem.

But more than anything, can we please focus on the fact that she wants to adopt? Why can’t we bring the spotlight to THAT? Not everyone needs to be pregnant and I know of thousands, millions even, of children who need good, loving homes. Everyone’s afraid of adoption because “you don’t know what you’re gonna get.”

Please. Do you really know “what” you’re gonna get with your own biological child? No, really, do you? Everything’s a gamble and nothing is definitive. If you’re able to provide a loving home and have the finances (mind you, adoption is the ONLY time when the finances of a family are considered; interesting, huh?) and you have the space in your home…why not?

Thank You Budget Cuts

04.25.2010

We went out for my mother-in-law’s birthday today and she and I caught up on some of the insanity that she faces at work. She is a counselor at a public high school with LAUSD and the story she parlayed to me made my blood boil. (I am so happy I didn’t pursue the teaching route. Oh my, am I happy.)

Thanks to the budget cuts, her counseling department is losing 2 people. So instead of 6 counselors (which already was pinching them), they will have 4. Each counselor will now be required to take care of over 600 students each, checking their class status, grade status, career and college preparation, keep up with any probations, IEPs (special ed requirements), etc. Whoever’s reading this imagine yourself in that position please. In an 8 hour work day, you’re required to deal with all of that (not counting any interruptions you might have when a student is acting out in class and you are called to handle the situation). And you must deal with all of this, including a hazardous work environment, all of this for about $40,000 a year to $60,000 (depending on your status with LAUSD). Attractive, eh? My former boss makes about $70K - $80K to sit on her ass all day…I’d certainly choose that over the above choice.

So the story my MIL told me was about how 2 different students were giving her a whole lot of attitude with statements like, “I don’t have to listen to you” or “Who are you to tell me what to do?” or, even better, a student defiantly eating an unfinished box of pizza that he illegally got delivered to school by his homies because he didn’t want to throw it away. And apparently that was more important than getting to class – for which he was already late. He just stood there in front of her stuffing his face with the pizza refusing to throw out the box.

What do you do? How the hell to you deal with this? How do you go through the motions at work, deal with the stress of everything involved and go home in a good mood? We are creating a sick, toxic-filled environment for everyone involved.

This kind of shit drives me crazy especially because it contributes to a vicious cycle. These kids come from damaged families and are filled with hate so they’re taking it out on other adults because they’ve learned to not trust them.

And these kids come from families who keep having kids. And they keep having kids because the god damn Catholic church refuses to accept contraception. Or parents are in denial that their kids are having sex and so they don’t arm them with the knowledge about contraception.

Now the school budget is being cut even more decreasing the amount of security on campuses, the amount of administrators, teachers and support staff. And my mother-in-law predicted, and rightly so I think, that they’re going to keep cutting it over the next few years and won’t stop until another Columbine occurs. It’s going to take a mass shooting where mass amounts of death occur for people to wake up and realize how broken our education system is. And who knows if even that will happen because all that ever seems to ignite is “Who cares that people died? Don’t take away my 2^nd Amendment right to bear arms!”

You Are Not Your Child's "Friend"

04.24.2010

Sometimes I get a little tired of all the parents who are trying to be their children’s friends. We all want to be liked and we all convince ourselves throughout our lives that once we’re gonna be parents we’re gonna be the “cool” parents and that our kids won’t be embarrassed by us like we were by our parents.

Well, that ain’t ever going to happen. Kids are going to be embarrassed by their parents no matter what. So I think it’s better to acknowledge that you’re a parent and that you’re the adult so it’s your job to set the rules, the boundaries, and, in order to instill these rules and boundaries, you’re gonna have to be the “bad cop” sometimes.

As a full-time teacher and then 7 years of teaching at Lithuanian school, I have seen too many parents care more about pleasing their child in the world of extra curricular activities than in education. Why can’t there be a balance and rules and consequences set up?

There are plenty of kids whose grades are falling to the wayside and yet there is absolutely no price to pay for that. Kids still get to go to b-day parties, field trips, or other such extra activities that, when I was growing up, were reserved as extras once certain responsibilities were taken care of. It’s kind of like doling out trophies to everyone who participated in a sports event because it’s politically correct. We don’t want to “offend” any child and make them “feel badly” about themselves. Give me a break! If a child doesn’t learn priorities and that certain things are rewards for working hard then how is that child going to become a productive and responsible adult?

Grades aren’t everything, I certainly know that. And Lord knows that I was such a poor student that I nearly failed 3^rd grade, 5^th grade and 6^th grade. And high school was a challenge too. But poor grades weren’t rewarded and I certainly wasn’t allowed to do everything under the sun. I see too many children learning that a heavy social calendar is more important than an education and, in an educational system that is already failing, parental attitude is certainly not helping the situation.

The Teaching Profession: Once Upon a Time

04.23.2010

[It’s hard to believe that April is almost over and that 1/3 of the year is practically gone!]

Food for thought: At one point in US History, only men were the educators and teaching positions were one of the highest paid salaries in the nation. Gradually, as the Industrial Revolution provided more technical opportunities and required knowledge of machinery, more men left the teaching profession to jump on the Revolution’s bandwagon.

Teachers were still needed and women wanted to work. So more women took the positions that the men were leaving behind…but it wasn’t really considered “working” if a woman was doing it and so, what was once a highly lucrative field, dropped in economic value and hasn’t recovered since.

Once starting school, a child spends more time at school with teachers than at home with parents. We instill our trust in a different individual each year and instill our trust in an institution to partner with us as parents to raise and shape a little person. Why did we consider education to be more important when men operated it?

Public vs. Private: Devil's Advocate

04.22.2010

Happy Earth Day!!

I’m going to argue against myself here for a moment as a response to my entry of 2 days ago.

By sending a child to private school, you pay for that education. And you pay a lot for it.

Then, by just being a US citizen, you’re paying for public schools to exist by paying taxes.

So, the question that begs to be asked is: Is it really economical to pay twice?

But then…who pays for public schools to exist? Only the families of those who attend them?

This is really unsettling.

Charter vs. Public, That Is The Question

04.21.2010

A hot topic going around the LAUSD circuit is charter schools vs. your regular ol’ public school. In the beginning, I was willing to give charter schools a shot because they seemed to be on the right track in terms of what they wanted to achieve and the opportunities that they offered to students. But after two plus years of reading and listening to the people in education, I’m pretty much against them. And, ironically, I’m mostly against them because I went to a private school. [It’s not about me being snobby, I swear; hear me out.]

Charter schools get to create their curriculum any way they want meaning they don’t have to abide by No Child Left Behind. Now don’t’ get me wrong, I think NCLB is an abomination but, just like private schools, charter schools can create their own system without having to necessarily follow the educational laws. But charter schools are still considered to be a part of the State so they are publicly funded. Private schools don’t get money from the State. And they shouldn’t. They’re private. But then, why are charters exempt from following the law?

Second, charters get to accept any student they want. Just like a private school, they get to cherry pick their student body which means they’re only going to choose those that come from solid families and those whose grades are strong, not to mention how they look. (Trust me, these are weighed. I sat in on the meetings and was grilled in to making those judgments myself.) This process leaves many students even further behind. And again, all of this on the taxpayer’s dime.

Third example, and this isn’t really a complaint about charter schools, there’s a person I know whose child attends a charter school and I heard about many complaints from parents about the volunteer time that is required. You’re a freaking parent. You should be involved in your children’s education from all angles. When I was teaching, I constantly saw the same three parents doing all of the work whereas those parents who almost never showed were the ones complaining about how much time was required. Suck it up.

Fourth, there is no guarantee that a charter school is going to stay open the following year. They may have a contract that is good for a year or two but negotiations have to occur in order for the school to remain open. A lot of charter schools close down. So where do the students go? Back to their old schools where now the education has slipped even more because all the good students were distributed to different charter schools. This reshuffling increases stress on a school’s budget.

I will be the first person to proclaim that there needs to be serious educational overhauls, and I was a proponent as early as the 1990s when it was first proposed, to break up LAUSD. It’s too big and is unable to affectively run the thousands and thousands of students that attend its schools. The union needs to get rid of A.J. Duffy whose only interest is to maintain power but do nothing good and the entire system needs to break into pieces. It’s so exhausting to hear the same topics, the same debates, the same bullshit year after year when, in all honesty, only a handful of LAUSD employees truly care about the students’ welfare. Everyone else (administrators and bureaucrats at headquarters) is too concerned with taking home a bloated paycheck to really fight for what’s right.

[RIP, Jaime Escalante.]

Public vs. Private: An Education

04.20.2010

Continuing with my education topic for the week, I’ll briefly talk about the issue of a public education vs. a private one. Here’s a funny side note on this very topic. About 2 years ago, I came across this list of questions for couples to discuss with each other in an attempt to get closer. As I’m always trying to find ways to keep open Rob’s and my communication, I jumped at this opportunity. The questions were ones like, how you view money, what do you personally wish to achieve in the next 5 years, what’s your view on religion, spirituality, etc. I made a nice dinner for us, had a bottle of wine, and we’re great company (for each other)! What could go wrong? The question that Rob and I got into a knock down, drag out argument over was the one about what kind of an education we would want for our children. It became a public school vs. private school debate as he’s a product of public school and I’m a product of private school.

He felt that I was critical of the education he got and couldn’t understand why I, the one who is most vocal about the hypocritical nature of the Catholic Church, would want to send my kids to a private, religious institution.

My argument wasn’t about what kind of a religious institution the kids would go to. Cause I don’t really care. Rob was raised Lutheran and so I’m perfectly OK with them going to a Lutheran school. One of the biggest reasons for me has to do with uniforms, silly as that may sound. It is only recently that people are finding that when kids, especially high school students, are in uniform, the behavioral problems decrease significantly. Students become more focused and are less inclined to dwell on brand competition. If public schools had uniforms, I’d most likely change my tune. I ask, what is the first change implemented in a public school when the State takes it over? Uniforms are brought in and test scores go up. The scores may not go up dramatically within that first year but, let’s face it, they go up. But it’s the changes in the needed disciplinary actions that significantly decrease once uniforms are implemented.

There’s also something to be said for when you (directly) pay for an education. You can have more of a direct say with how it’s being handled. With public schools, you may complain to the principal, but because of bureaucracy you’re going to be knocking your head up against a brick wall much sooner than you would in a private school.

Having said that, I have a thing or two to say about private schools too. I attended them most of my life and worked for 2 years as a teacher in private schools. There are definite drawbacks (like the stupid rule: no co-ed parties in junior high. Really? Cause what I do at home is not a part of the school’s jurisdiction). In the end, whether we send the kids to a public or private school (and I haven’t even discussed tuition here), I already know that I’m going to be my child’s school’s worst nightmare because I know exactly what to look for (textbook publication dates, extra curricular activity availability, homework assignments, e.g.) and, most importantly, how many new teachers the school has and what is the turnover rate.

If you’re gonna do it (be a parent), then, well…do it right. Right?

Education: Home Economics

04.19.2010

I have many opinions about our education system and I will cover them little by little. As a matter of fact, perhaps I will dedicate this week to the issue of education.

Today’s issue is going to be about home economics. I have this fantasy of opening up a school one day where I’d be the queen of that school and I’d be able to implement the curriculum of choice (because our politicians sure as hell can’t do it) and, based on all kinds of psychology and tests and blah-blah-blah, I’d have this grand ol’ school.

Starting with junior high, I’d separate the genders into separate classes but at break, lunch, and other school activities they can mingle. In fact, there’d be specific opportunities where boys and girls would be able to cooperate and work together because an education should be well rounded.

And girls AND boys would be required to take a home economics class. For at least a year. They’d learn to cook for themselves, to shop, to budget (for shopping), etc. As far as making boys take the class, I think, it would lessen the stigma that a woman is required to take care of the kitchen and not the man. I’m really tired of that.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a man knowing how to sew on a button or knowing how to do laundry correctly. These are skills needed to function correctly and to become more self-sufficient. These parents…or rather, these mothers who coddle their children (ok, their boys) are doing a huge disservice to their sons and any future person with whom he is going to have a relationship.

I’m lucky that Rob can do a lot of the above, but it would certainly helped if he knew more about cooking or food shopping. Now, recently we had a bit of a light bulb moment where he realized that at the end of the week, when all is said and done, I have a significantly fewer amount of hours to myself than he does. And (pay attention), on his own accord, he said he wants to step up. (I love this man!)

But it gets me thinking that if we had an education system that encouraged both genders to learn how to be independent (in collaboration with parents, of course) that couples wouldn’t have the same arguments over and over. At least, regarding the household.

Unexpected Detours

04.18.2010

I attended a baby shower today and a strange phenomenon happened. I’ve hosted baby showers before and I’ve certainly attended more than my share of these gatherings, but I think because of the blog, my age, and just the general “baby on the brain” mentality, I was hyper sensitive to the event.

When my friend was opening her gifts today there was all this “oohing” and “awing” with each gift and, I have to admit, the stuff was really cute. Especially the little baby clothes. We all agreed that her little boy was going to be on helluva well-dressed kid.

But with each piece of clothing that she received, it got me thinking. And the part of me that got to thinking wasn’t the logical, outline everything, think everything through part. I am very good at stifling my emotions (unless I’m pissed) and, as a defense from childhood, I keep them bottled in and deal with choices and decisions rather robotically. I mean, emotions always get you into trouble, right? That’s always been my philosophy.

So, what astounded me today is that as I watched my friend open her gifts, I caught myself thinking, “Just do it.” And, like, this maternal thing kicked in. (haha) I’m not talking about nurture, I’m talking about maternal. It was pure emotion taking over and it wasn’t about logistics. I have never in my life found myself in this position. Even in my single days, if I liked a guy, it was all up in my head and not my heart. It was never about “follow your heart," it was more about the intellectual side of it all. But this incident this afternoon really caught me off guard. And oddly…for a fleeting moment…I liked it. It made me feel comfortable. And warm. And happy.

Then when I left the shower I did what I usually do when leaving an unfamiliar place and got lost. I thought I’d get back to the freeway the way I came, but at the last minute I decided to take a detour thinking that the freeway would be closer if I went in the opposite direction (based on a sign I read). Well, that wasn’t the case and as I’m weaving through this gorgeous Pasadena neighborhood listening to awesome music on the radio, I got this feeling, for the first time in my life, where I didn’t feel like a kid (young adult). Like, I had this weird moment with myself where I felt like an adult. I passed by all these gorgeous homes and I thought, “You need to get serious. You need to accept that you are not that seventeen-year old you keep insisting you are.” Being young in your heart is one thing. But actually deluding yourself that you’re going to “beat time” and be 17 forever is just not happening. It’s not, and the sooner that’s acknowledged and accepted, the better.

Then I thought about the detour I was on and reminded myself that life is one big detour. We may have a map in front of us and think that we know the direction that we’re going in, but what maps don’t tell you about are all the road closures that you might come across or any new roads that have been built. In other words, it’s during the detours, during those unexpected detours especially, that provide for an opportunity for the next step to be taken, the next lesson to be learned and/or the next (great) opportunity to arise.

I’m not saying I’m gonna run out and get pregnant now…but let’s just say that the idea of having a child is no longer so cold, so isolated…or so…robotic.

Public Letter to Kate Gosselin

04.17.2010

Dear Kate Gosselin:

I know that you don’t know me and that my piddly opinion means nothing to you. But, in the spirit of my blog, as it is about society and children, I feel compelled to get something off of my chest.

Please stop saying that the decisions you make are because of your children. It’s very clear to the world that all you think about is yourself. If you truly were thinking about your children, you’d be back in PA being a mom. But, let’s face it. You got a taste of fame and money and you’re not going to give that up for anyone or anything. It’s convenient for you to use your children (yet again, I might add) so that you can convince yourself that you are somehow actually doing it all for your kids. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

One of the most important pieces of information that I learned in a child psychology class is that every decision, every move, every action parents make is a lesson to their children. And the lesson that you are teaching to your children is that you value fame and money more than you value them (and I won't even get into how your control issues are damaging their self-image and any future relationships, especially for your boys). The material items that you have gained by selling out your family has cost you your marriage and will forever alter the self-image your children will have. By the marriage falling apart and by you jet-setting all over the country, you are abandoning them and, honey, I can tell you a thing or two about how that feels and how you, as the child, spend a huge chunk of your life trying to understand why a parent couldn’t just be a parent and be there for you. Your selfishness to see your face on magazines, on TV and everywhere else will come back to haunt you when your kids are older…especially in your daughter Maddy.

It’s people like you that bring children into the world without realistically thinking about the consequences of your actions. I feel sorry for you but I mostly feel sorry for your children. They have yet to realize what a soulless mother they have but when they do, they will make some therapists quite wealthy. Congratulations!

A Moment in Time

04.16.2010

So I’m going to nerd out today. One of my favorite books while in grad school was Kodak and the Lens of Nostalgia by Nancy Martha West. It was all about the history of the US through a camera lens with an emphasis on advertisement.

What was probably the most shocking piece of information that I learned is that one of the major reasons someone took a “photo” of someone was to document the person’s body (because they had died and more on that later). Before the “camera” there was the daguerreotype that would take a photo of someone; however, it took a really long time. Individuals would have to sit still for something like 15+ minutes. You can find daguerreotypes of people (both living and dead) as early as the 1840s, but they’re all very stiff, no smiles or anything (even the live bodies). These photos were purely for documentation purposes. By the Civil War, actual cameras were being used but they still took time to take a picture and, to some degree, one could argue that it was still all about documentation. The Civil War was the first war to be photographed and everything was included, the living and the dead.

It’s not until the post-Civil War, when the Industrial Revolution really took off, where the camera’s use begins to adopt a different function. I think I talked the other day about family and the structure of family changing during this time where women were choosing their partners and marrying for love and families were having fewer children.

It’s at this time that we slowly start to see advertisements focus on children and Kodak, the first company to develop cameras, quickly realized the children’s market. The Brownie was developed at the turn of the 20^th Century and it’s so fascinating to see the change over time in how the ads target children. The following ad, like most ads at the time, uses words more than images to sell the product unlike what we see today (where images are used instead of words).[1]

Nine years later, you still have a lot of print, but now there are actually people in the ads and actual children, holding the different camera models that Kodak built.[2]

What I found fascinating was comparing and contrasting the beginning days of photography with daguerreotypes where images were taken of the dead, especially of children, to about the early 1900s when the camera was all about taking a snapshot of an image of a happy moment and one that was intended to remind of that particular happy moment. We would often wrestle with questions such as Why do we take photos at parties and not at funerals? And, if we’re taking photos of only one aspect of our lives, do these photos accurately tell the story of who we are?

Ok, so how does this relate to children in my context? I have looked through photographs of my mom when she was younger in an attempt to understand her better as a whole person. There are parts of my mom’s life that she doesn’t share with me (and, most likely my sister) and, as I’m sure anyone can relate, I want to know what kind of a person my mom was as a child and young adult, etc. I think just like teens filter stories to their parents, our parents filter stories to us. So if I’m looking at photo albums of my mom and her family while growing up but the albums are filled with happy memories, doesn’t that make it easy for one to conveniently forget that there were any rough times? Doesn’t it make it easy to conveniently forget any of the difficulties that come with an alcoholic in the house? Taking the albums at face value, it underscores the very notion of how we constantly seek perfection in our lives. By only seeing smiles and parties and other good times, we present a skewed version of our lives.

There are some friends of my husband’s who documented the birthing process of their son from the beginning of her contractions all the way through her giving birth. Looking at the photos of the mother grasping on to a pillow as she went through a contraction, I actually thought of how cool it was to see that. We’re not presented a one-sided view of the birth such as seeing her all smiles holding her baby once it’s all said and done. We’re given the dark, painful side of giving birth as well.

In the end, we can never be presented with a 100%, accurate view of something whether it is a positive or negative. And I think this is because of the very nature of experience. My experience of an event will differ from someone else’s. I can verbalize my feelings of the experience (and only to a certain degree) but it’s never going to replicate someone else’s. And the very fact that I can look at a photo from 15 years ago and not recognize people or barely remember the reason for the photo (if at all), I think, proves that while a camera can serve as a glimpse to a memory, the moments that make up our lives are just that. They’re just moments that can never truly be captured.

That concludes my lesson and my nerding out, and I now put down my professor hat. You get an A for listening/reading.

---

[1] Advertisement featuring Palmer Cox illustrations for Brownie camera, Cosmopolitan, December 1900. (p. 97).

[2] Advertisement for the Brownie camera, Youth’s Companion, 1909 (p. 106).

[3] West, Nancy Martha Kodak and the Lens of Nostalgia, The University Press of Virginia, 2000.

You'll Figure It Out

04.15.2010

A strange phenomenon has started to occur. I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a month now and I’m starting to see a transformation within my thoughts when it comes to thinking about children. I still have all the fears and concerns and a sense that I’m going to completely lose my identity, but there’s something that has started to continuously counteract those thoughts. The following words pop into my head: You’ll figure it out.

I have always been so terrified of making mistakes because of my own obsession with perfection, as well as just the “normal”, societal pressures of being perfect. Everyone always says there’s no guidebook to really tell you how to parent. You can read all the baby books beforehand but you’re never truly prepared for it all. And I would imagine that each situation, each child is so unique that it’s virtually impossible to be prepared ahead of time. And I think this is one of the major reasons as to why it’s so difficult for me to come to a definitive answer, or rather, definitive commitment to having kids.

I’ve always been a planner, the one to take charge in any situation so that the job (or whatever’s needed) gets done. One would think that with this quality so strong within me that it’d be natural for me to want to run out and be a parent cause I could then plan, schedule, and organize not just my life but another person’s as well. But that’s just the thing. I’m a planner and a take charge kind of person because I’m so unbelievably scatterbrained and usually running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have to take charge and I have to feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day otherwise I’m lost. In other words, I can barely take care of myself. I have to actively work at it and the thought of having to “take charge” of a child and to be prepared ahead of time for the child’s needs really scares the shit out of me.

But I guess…I’ll figure it out. Somehow. Right? Cause…what’s the alternative?

The Idea of Family and Its Change

04.14.2010

I sometimes wonder what people’s attitude is going to be toward children and families in 150 to 200 years from now. Looking back that same amount of years, the meaning of children and family had a relatively different definition. Most people lived in small towns and/or ran a farm and so a family had may kids to have more hands on the farm to help out. Plus, the death rate for children was fairly high, so if you had 10 kids perhaps only 6 or 7 would survive. Having kids was more like an economic necessity and not out of a feeling of warmth or stability.

But when the Industrial Revolution took off after the Civil War so many things began to change and the family unit was no different. Women began marrying for love and choosing their partners instead of being paired off for, again, economic reasons or status reasons. With this choice now, women were having children later – still early according to our standards today, but women weren’t getting married and having kids at 13 or 14 anymore. They were waiting till their late teens, for example. Also, by living in the city, having children was no longer about an economic necessity and so you didn’t have 10 kids. You could get by with 2 or 3 depending on your social and financial status. I think this is where the cultural shift occurs in how society views children and families. Of course, we could break it down even more to socio-economic status, immigrant status, or race, but, for now, I’ll refrain from all of that.

We are such a crazed society for babies but I often think about how I feel like it’s all a mask. Our education sucks, for example. If we truly cared about our children, about the future of America, we’d invest in education. And yet, that always falls to the bottom. Even in private school. I’ll never forget my 2^nd year teaching and realizing at the end of the year that the history teacher was teaching from a book that was published in the 1980s! She was teaching them history that was based on old information AND, when doing geography, was using maps from that time period too. So, if you wanted to find Lithuania or another Baltic State on the map you couldn’t cause they were all under the Soviet Union map. Families were paying hundred of dollars a month for a supposedly excellent, private education, and yet, they were being taught with 10-year plus old information. Really? That’s thinking about our children?

Child Psychology: A Necessary Education

04.13.2010

Back in the fall of 2001, I was taking a child psychology class because I was considering going into teaching and thought I’d get some credential pre-reqs out of the way at the local JC.

This class transformed a lot in my way of thinking about children and the approach to their development. I passionately felt (and still do) that the class should be introduced to high school freshman and built upon for the next four years. There is so much information out there about the (psychological) development of a child starting from in utero through young adulthood. This particular class went up to the age of about 12, I think, and then later I took an adolescent psychology class which was an eye opener, as well.

I think that if teens are introduced to the basic knowledge of child psychology at a young age, a lot of questions would be answered because biology only covers a part of it and even though parents should be discussing sex with their children, let’s get real. That doesn’t really happen. I mean, I had “the talk” at age 7 with my mom when she was pregnant with my sister and even though I found it interesting, the last thing I wanted to discuss with my mother as a teen was the topic of sex.

But child psychology takes away the uncomfortable parts of “the talk” and approaches it from a developmental standpoint and offers discussions about how important a parent’s health is (mentally, physically and emotionally) and what happens to a newborn and how that changes in each subsequent month.

So many teenaged girls get pregnant not just out of ignorance but many of them choose to have and keep the baby because of religious reason and they have no idea what to expect. And, I’m sorry, their parents usually don’t know much themselves and so, a vicious cycle continues of not being properly educated with what is physiologically happening or going to happen.

For example, there are studies that show that a newborn can feel whether or not a mother wants him/her. Other studies show that the lack of being held as a newborn can lead to an attachment disorder later in life. The there’s other information about how a baby that is crawling has no concept of depth of space and danger and, if allowed to crawl on a table, will not realize that if he/she reaches the edge of a table, he/she will fall. Understanding where a child is developmentally at each stage, I think, can only make you a better, more understanding parent.

I’ve seen so many parents get angry at their children for doing basic things like grab items from a mom’s purse or off the shelf at a supermarket. Without properly knowing that a child figures out his/her world by grabbing, by touching, and even tasting, you just see a child doing an annoying act and, being stressed out, it’s easy to lose patience and call the child “stupid” for not knowing better. Now the child has been shamed and is learning that mom thinks he/she is stupid transferring all of this information into "fear." Fear of mom fear of not trying anything so as not to "look stupid."

So many people are afraid of education but it really is power and it really expands your understanding of the world around us. I wish more people would see that.

Innocence Lost

04.12.2010

I often think about the innocence that’s lost when we become adults. As children, we’re entitled to dream big, often encouraged by adults, and we believe in endless possibilities and in the goodness of people. At what point does that all evaporate? At some point, our hearts become hardened and we become more cynical than when we were younger. We also tend to lose our ability to dream. We become so focused on what’s “practical," so focused on how much money we don’t have or lamenting decisions that we made or didn’t make. It seems that getting older should make us wiser but it seems that it often makes us sadder or more cold-hearted. I suppose having kids would make someone’s heart softer or allow the adult to act silly again for the sake of the child. But what about the ability to dream? Or the notion that there’s good in all people regardless of race, ethnicity, or religion? Children are born innocent and learn certain behavior and beliefs from the adults that raise them or around them. Our own lives and how they shape out, and where we are at the particular point in our lives when we start having children, dictates how we’re going to raise our children.

In other words, if a woman is greatly unhappy with her life when she starts having kids, that unhappiness is going to dictate how she raises her kids. She might take out her anger at herself and her life on her children that, in turn, it will shape the kinds of people they become. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the mother (or parents) who are in a relatively good place in their lives (emotionally, financially, mentally, etc.) and the support they’re able to give their child will shape the person that child becomes. I mean, this isn’t news and is part of basic child psychology. But it seems to me that we think so little of this part of child development and, yet, it’s one of the biggest deciding factors to aid in a child’s development. It’s a little detail that has huge repercussions either way you look at it. I wish people paid more attention to it.

Aren't Babies Expensive?

04.11.2010

We went out to dinner tonight with some friends and in the restaurant was a young family with a newborn. I’m terrible at guessing children’s ages and I often play this game with myself where I try to guess the age of the child and then seeing if I’m correct by either asking the parent for the age or trying to overhear any conversation involving the child’s age.

I guessed that this baby was about 2 months and eventually, as predicted, another guest asked how old he was and the mom answered that he was 2 ½ months. Score one for me! I was acutely observing the parents and tried to see any behavior differences between mother and father. Granted, I acknowledge that this might seem incredibly odd and maybe slightly scary that I observe people so much, but it’s what I do. It’s how I assess my environment and make decisions as to what I would or would not do or what I do and do not like. I’ve always been like this. There didn’t seem anything out of the ordinary with the parents and, I have to admit, the little boy was cute.

As the parents were getting ready to leave, I watched the mom put the baby into his carrier and I caught a glimpse of what the little boy was wearing and it got me thinking about how much money it takes to have a baby.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s expecting her first baby this year and we agreed that, in the first year, it’s not really that expensive because so many people get you stuff in that year – especially if it’s the first child – and that there just aren’t that many expenses.

But, the glance at the clothes and the carrier got me thinking otherwise. Sure, you get a lot of stuff at the baby shower…but what about after that? Don’t babies grow super fast? I mean, I have told Rob numerous times that I would love to have our future child/ren run around naked and shoeless for the first 5 years of their life. We’d save so much money! But I’m reminded that society wouldn’t really approve of that. Plus, kids’ clothes are so darn cute. Expensive, but cute.

The kids’ market (clothes, toys, furniture, etc.) has it made. I wish I had design talent to come up with something fancy and/or catching and useful to sell cause you’re (almost) guaranteed to make it. Aren’t I arguing against the very thing I wrote about a few entries ago about teens and the market place? Sigh…as I’m currently unemployed, thinking about a successful business venture sure sounds good to me right about now.

Hockey, Family and Memories

04.10.2010

We went to a hockey game today which was incredibly fun. The first, and last, time I went to a hockey game was back in 1998 with my sister. We had such a blast! At that time, I had recently come back from living for a few months in Toronto and I made sure to catch a rare game of the Kings vs. the Maple Leafs. Man, that game was awesome.

Today, in the row ahead of us was a youngish guy who brought his son to the game (could’ve been an uncle too) and I observed the two of them for as long as I could without getting noticed and without making it look creepy. By the 3^rd quarter of the game, the little boy was sitting on his dad’s lap calling out little things to the guys on the rink which was making us all laugh and giggle at how cute he was.

Watching the two of them made my heart go out to this guy who was cradling his child on his lap. In my mind, I had flash forwards of Rob sitting with our child, or taking our kid to a game, especially when the Phillie Eagles were playing, and it warmed my heart.

But there was a part of me that was a little sad too and it reminded me of the time when I used to nanny these two kids as an undergrad. I would take the kids to the park and there always was this older dad with his daughter, holding her, playing with her, pushing her on the swings… You could see the love in his eyes for this little girl…and I don’t know what the story was. Maybe he had always wanted to have kids but wasn’t lucky and only later in life was able to have one. Or maybe he had grown kids that he neglected because of work or whatever and now he had this second chance. Regardless of the story, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy of this 1 or 2-year old little girl. I will never know what it feels like to grab my father’s fingers or hand when I’m scared or just because. It was at that time, back in 1996-97 that I made a promise to myself and to any future children that I would make sure that he/she/they would know what holding their father’s hand felt like. And I’m lucky to have married a man who feels the same way.

Seeing the Light Go On

04.09.2010

I had a pretty good lesson with the 6^th grader I tutor. It had been a long time since I was able to help a kid connect the dots about something and then, bam!, see the light go on. I love it when that happens. It’s so unfortunate, though, that it doesn’t happen more often.

Homeschooling

04.08.2010

I haven’t touched upon an extremely controversial topic in a while, so I think I’ll talk about one today. Homeschooling.

About a year or two ago there was a huge dilemma when a family in Los Angeles County was charged with neglect and abuse of their children and it came out that the family was homeschooling their children. This prompted the government to pass a law (I think it was a law) that homeschooling had to abide by the same rules as public education and if someone did not have a teaching credential they had no business teaching children.

Well, all the parents who homeschool their children went into an uproar about this saying their rights were being denied and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Oh my…where do I begin?

Many parents who were interviewed and vehemently defending their choice in their kids’ education had only a high school diploma. Some went to college but never finished.[1]

Let me write the sentence again. “Many parents who were interviewed…had only a high school diploma.” A high school diploma. Those of us who went to high school, let’s think back. Twenty years later, do you remember Algebra I and Algebra II? How about Chemistry and Trigonometry? Oh, I know, how about Biology? I went to college and hold an MA today and I would be unable to teach a high school student Algebra, any of the sciences or even Spanish or French. And I took 5 years of French. So let me state this sentence again: Many parents…had only a high school diploma.

Where the HELL do they get off thinking they can teach their children?

Oh, wait, let’s see. You know what they’re teaching them? The Bible. That’s what encompasses their “schooling.” Every single parent interviewed in the article said the #1 reason they weren’t sending their kids to a public school was because they didn’t teach the from the Bible.

(See, there’s this thing called “separation of Church and State” that our founding fathers made sure to put into our Constitution. Shocking, I know, because so many people are convinced our founding fathers were Christian.)

I hate homeschooling. I absolutely hate it. Unless there’s an illness or some other kind of physical handicap, (and even then I waffle), I don’t see any reason for it. It makes children grow up to be socially challenged, scared of the world, and just naive. I have to agree that academically, many homeschooled children get higher marks on their tests and stuff, but I attribute that to the fact that they’re getting such single and undivided attention. Why did the education system put less children per teacher? It’s for that very same reason. But, when it comes to homeschooling, higher test scores, I feel, comes at a huge cost. These kids are more aloof and find it hard to trust.

Someone I know used to have a roommate who was homeschooled and he found it difficult to deal with her. He said she was totally sweet but because of her innocence, she was used and abused by people left, right and center. She just trusted people right off the bat and was always socially awkward in groups. How is this fair to do to a child? You make the child even more dependent on you (the parent) for their every need including social networking. I think it’s a horrible disservice to the overall developmental growth. You’re supposed to experience support, sharing secrets, fantasies and even fights and jealousies with friends. It’s all part of growing up and discovering the world around you. When you’re homeschooled, you’re entire life is your parents and any siblings that you may have. I can’t even fathom how that would appear to be an inviting way to raise children.

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[1] I read this in an LA Times article.