Afraid to Discuss Contraception

07.30.2010

In today's paper, there's an article about a woman in France who killed 8 of her infants over the course of 20 years because she didn't want to talk to her doctor about contraception.

I don't know the woman's history or religious beliefs, and it's somewhat odd that her 2 daughters in their 20s are standing behind their mom, but the whole situation disgusts me. Infanticide is not uncommon and there are apparently women who are aware that they're pregnant except that they don't register they're pregnant with a baby. Sounds crazy - because what else would a woman be pregnant with? - but I'll leave it to the psychologists and psychiatrists to diagnose and treat.

But the bigger issue that I'd like explored is WHY she was afraid to talk about contraception. Was it religious? Was she embarrassed? If so, about what? And why wasn't adoption a viable alternative?

The woman's husband claims he knew nothing of the 8 pregnancies and the police believe him. Take that however you will.

This is just one more example to me that underscores the ridiculous puritanical ways of our society. Yes this happened in France but we all know this happens in the States. Hundreds of newborns are abandoned and left to die and it just absolutely breaks my heart. Why can't we talk about and be comfortable with the issue of contraception and save a life?

Designing Your Child

07.29.2010

1. If you could create the perfect baby but it meant it would have very little of your genetic traits, would you?

2a. If you could engineer a genetic edge, would you? (quicker sprint, higher IQ, perfect vision, etc.)
2b. If yes, what would the trait be and why?
2c. What would be the most you'd pay for it?

3. Do you think that the opportunity to genetically engineer children could become a type of eugenics?

4. Do you think that genetically engineered children would be available to minorities and the poor?

5. Do you believe that just because science can, it should?

Why Don't I Feel Love?

07.28.2010

I recently met a friend who had a baby a couple of months ago and one of the things we talked about is the emotions that follow once you have a baby. Obviously we were speaking from a woman’s perspective and I started wondering about why more women don’t come out and admit certain feelings and/or thoughts. Well, let me correct myself. I can actually answer that. It’s because it’s not “normal” to have feelings of dislike towards a child that you just birthed, that’s why. Or is it?

I know of two, unrelated adults who admitted to not loving their child once he/she came into their life. I find this fascinating because does this ever come into play in the movies, TV shows or even in conversation with friends? One person said that a few days after his child was born, he and his spouse turned to each other said, “What the hell did we do?” and then admitted that it wasn’t until about month 3 that they started to have feelings of love toward their child.

I know that it seems that I tend to constantly side on the negative and that I may often come across as a pessimist. But all I’ve ever asked for was the full picture and I don’t believe we get that. And worse, I don’t believe women get that. We are sold the notion that getting married and having babies is the only calling we’re meant to follow with deep conviction. I think women need to be told that if they experience negative feelings toward their baby in the beginning, it’s ok. We need to be told that the shock of life being turned upside down is OK. I imagine that new mothers need reassurance that things are going to get better because there’s nothing worse than feeling alone. I wish there were more stories that offered all different kinds of experiences and emotions…

(…hmmmm…a book idea?...)

Mother's Affection Decreases Anxiety?

07.27.2010

Here’s an article that I came across yesterday.[1] Very interesting and…uh…duh! Enjoy!

Can a Mother's Affection Prevent Anxiety in Adulthood? / By Amanda Gardner, Health.com July 26, 2010

Babies whose mothers are attentive and caring tend to grow into happy, well-adjusted children. But the psychological benefits of having a doting mother may extend well beyond childhood, a new study suggests.

According to the study, which followed nearly 500 infants into their 30s, babies who receive above-average levels of affection and attention from their mothers are less likely than other babies to grow up to be emotionally distressed, anxious, or hostile adults.

What's more, the link between the emotional health of adults and their mothers' affection was evident even though the mothers and babies were observed for a single day, when the babies were just 8 months old.

"Even a simple assessment of the quality of the mother-infant interaction at such an early age captures something very important in terms of the future psychological health of that infant," says Joanna Maselko, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical School, in Durham, North Carolina.

The findings, which appear in the "Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health," make a strong case for policies that would help foster positive interactions between infants and parents, such as paid parental leave, Maselko says.

The study also suggests that health insurance should cover services -- such as infant-massage classes -- that have been shown to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship, says Robin Gurwitch, Ph.D., a professor of developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.

"Early experience can be a mediating factor on what happens to us as adults, and we need to look at things that we can do to improve parent-child bonding that can then perhaps serve as a protective factor later," Gurwitch says.

The study included 482 babies born in Providence in the early 1960s. Along with their mothers, the babies were part of a larger, nationwide study on pregnancy and infancy.

When the babies were eight months old, psychologists observed the mothers' interactions with them as the babies took a series of development tests. The psychologists rated the mother's affection and attention level on a five-point scale ranging from "negative" to "extravagant." The vast majority of the interactions (85 percent) were considered "warm," or normal.

Roughly 30 years later, the babies-turned-adults were interviewed about their levels of emotional distress. The adults whose mothers had displayed "extravagant" or "caressing" affection (the two top ratings) were much less likely than their less-doted-on peers to be anxious. They were also less likely to report hostility, distressing social interactions, and psychosomatic symptoms.

The findings add to a large body of psychological research on mother-child attachment that suggests that healthy bonds between young children and parents are crucial to a child's emotional development.

Maselko and her colleagues suspect that their findings may be explained in part by the hormone oxytocin, which acts as a brain chemical. Also known as the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and other moments of closeness.

"Oxytocin adds [to] the perception of trust and support, and hence is very helpful in building social bonds," Maselko explains. "It's plausible that close parent-child bonds help support the neural development of the areas of the brain that make and use oxytocin, setting up the child for more effective social interactions and mental health in the future."

For now that's just a theory, however. As the authors note, other factors -- including genetics, a mother's stress levels, or even factors that have nothing to do with the mother -- could explain the findings.

A smaller proportion of mothers with lower socioeconomic status exhibited "extravagant" or "caressing" affection than did better-off mothers, for instance. Although the researchers controlled for socioeconomic status and other characteristics, it's possible that social and financial difficulties during childhood could play a role in adult emotional distress.

Charles Bauer, M.D., a professor of pediatrics, ob-gyn, and psychology at the University of Miami's Miller School of Medicine, says that conclusions about the role of maternal affection on a person's future mental health based on a single day of observation at eight months old are bound to be inexact.

"There are so many intervening variables between eight months and 34 years," Bauer says. "A whole cadre of factors might lead to a more stable environment, a more stable mental health picture, a more stable individual."

Copyright Health Magazine 2010

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[1] http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/26/mother.affection.anxiety/index.html?hpt=T2

"Elmo Pee Pee"

07.26.2010

I told Rob today a funny little anecdote that happened last week with this little 1 ½ year old whose father I tutor in Lithuanian. We were done with our lesson and I was using their bathroom when, on the other side of the door, I could hear their little cutey-pie saying “pee-pee” over and over.

I chuckled to myself because I was convinced that she had heard me and was announcing to the world what exactly I was doing. But when I opened the door and she took one look at me and, holding tightly onto her Elmo doll, she pointed to the bathroom and said, “Uh-oh, pee-pee, pee-pee.” Judging by the look of sheer worry on her face, I realized that she had had an accident.

I called over her parents and when they came, her father kept reassuring her that everything was ok and her mom asked, “You wanted have a pee pee with Vejune?” She responded with “Elmo pee pee.” It was the funniest thing I’d heard in a while. Her concern for getting into trouble caused her try to pass off the pee-pee accident on Elmo! These are the moments that I love kids and love their reasoning. It’s all so honest…even if they do try to pass things off.

So now Rob and I have this inside joke. If we're out and about and one of us has to use the restroom instead of saying just that, we turn into an 2-year-old and say "Elmo pee pee." It's the funniest and dorkiest thing we've done yet. And we don't even have kids...boy I feel sorry for any children we have.

The Tug-of-War Within

07.25.2010

We’re out of town and I surprised Rob with a trip to Laguna Beach where I got us tickets to see Pageant of the Masters (amazing, amazing, amazing). On the trolley to the show, I had a moment where I grabbed Rob’s hand, leaned into him and observed the tourists. Most of them were families and I realized that their traveling experiences were completely different from mine. Well all our experiences are different even if we’re on the same trip. But what I mean is that traveling with kids gives a different perspective on the place you’re visiting. For starters, you’re probably doing more kid-friendly activities.

But as I sat on the trolley, a strange feeling overcame me. Although I was thrilled to be there in that moment with Rob and although I was happy that I didn’t have to worry about diaper bags, bottles, and extra clothes, there’s a slight sadness that came over me. Part of me is so tired of this struggle. I seem to have set up an impossible situation for myself: I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Whatever happens, whatever path I choose, it’s as if I’ll always look over the fence and focus on how the grass is greener on the other side. At the end of the day, once all is said and done, how is this tug-of-war within me helping?

The Tic Toc of Uncle Ben

07.24.2010

Today we went to a wedding and it got me thinking about how life just keeps moving forward and how in the blink of an eye we’ve created so many memories without realizing it. This year, Rob and I celebrate being together for 9 years. I wish time didn’t go so fast. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and it seems like each year whizzes by faster and I’m unable to catch up. I know time is relative and I’m not in some race to win, but when it comes to the issue of expanding our family, there’s a part of me that wishes I were where I was 4 years ago. Where that pressure to make a decision wasn’t so pronounced. I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin for a while longer before deciding to bring a child into this world when I may feel like I've lost myself again. At least until the child gets older...

Happier Families = Happier Kids

07.23.2010

The same Psychology Today magazine I was referring to the other day has an article in it about families and happiness. Being an issue near and dear to my heart, I, of course, read it. Here’s a summary with my notes:[1]

1) "Communicate Well and Often" – the best part was reading about a family where the parents encouraged their children to work out their differences without parental influence. I think this is an excellent idea because not only does it teach the children a way to problem solve on their own but it achieves two greater goals. One, each child has to figure out what is their best communication strategy and second, the issue of parental favoritism gets squashed to a minimum.

2) "Build Rituals" – the worst part of “ritual” is that it’s predictable. But the best part is that it’s dependable. Each person in the family knows what he/she is responsible for and it helps to run a tight ship. It also teaches team-building and that in order to have a successful dinner, party, or just a successful day with as little mishap as possible, it’s necessary that each person play a part.

3) "Stay Flexible" – as important as the ritual may be, it’s equally important to participate in the magic of spontaneity. When you plan something and it goes accordingly, there’s always a sense of accomplishment. But when you turn from the usual road you travel on you open yourself up to the possibility of some amazing memories.

4) "Have Fun and Reach Out Together" – do things together as a family even if that means dragging out a teenager who’d rather stay locked up in his/her room. Spending time together outside of the normal environment allows for kids to see their parents in a different light and vice versa.

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[1] Rosenberg, Amy Psychology Today, August 2010, pp. 62-69.

Children with No Siblings: Onlies

07.22.2010

In connection to my entry on siblings, I want to talk about an article in Time Magazine about single children also called "onlies."[1] Odd name, but ok.

Let’s pause for a moment.

First, when you’re childless, people are pushing you to have kids.

Second, you finally have the child everyone’s been praying for you to have and then they’re on you to have a second one.

[My cynical remark: Why the hell are we so baby-crazed?]

Ok, back to the article.

According to the US Department of Agriculture, “the average child in the US costs…$280,050 – before college.” The author then writes that in their household, milk is $50/month and diapers have been about $100/month. For starters, people push you to have kids without thinking about the financial consequences.

[I just realized the author and I are the same age and she’s writing for Time. Dammit!]

Ok, back to the article.

Apparently the recession has altered women’s desires for kids and women are either waiting longer, not having them at all, or are choosing to only have one child. This was a trend during the Great Depression too. I wish my reasons for not having a kid yet were that simple.

Over 120 years ago, a gentleman by the name of Granville Stanley Hall researched families with children and, according to his “research,” discovered that the single children were “oddballs” and “misfits.” Hall concluded that an only child wasn’t able to adjust to life as well as those who had siblings.

As society grew and pop culture evolved, the myth that single-children are over-privileged and self-centered began to permeate. But the reality shows something different. Single children, like firstborns and those with one sibling only, score higher in measure of intelligence and achievement and there wasn’t enough data to support that they are lonely, selfish or unadjusted. [As a side note, my former boss was one of the most lonely, selfish and unadjusted people I have ever met and she had an older sister. So that theory is blown. At least when it comes to her.]

Ok, back to the article.

As for the “spoiled” characteristics, I bet that was begun by someone’s jealousy. Single children don’t have any resources to share and they get all of their parents energy and money. It doesn’t matter how much money the parents may make, it all goes to one child. This attention and treatment that they get comes across in how the child achieves at school. He/she tends to excel more than those with siblings.

I understand all this. And I understand that parents say they have more time for themselves and each other with just one child because, despite the feelings of already being pulled in different directions, it’s just one child. As mentioned above, the resources don’t have to be dispersed.

But upon reflection, I try to envision growing up without my sister. Yes, having my mom all to myself would’ve been nice. Perhaps my mom would’ve invested more time and energy in me. Perhaps I would’ve been listened to more. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so privy to the money issues and perhaps I wouldn’t have felt like I had to solve all the problems. Perhaps.

But I have memories with my sister that I couldn’t possibly ever have with anyone else. And when certain family things come up, my sister understands. Rob might try or a friend might try. But my sister knows. There are things I can share with my sister that is therapeutic for me (us) where I would otherwise feel alone.

I see both sides. I don’t think it’s right to have a second child because it’ll “make the current child feel better” or because society expects you to have more than one. I think it’s important to do what’s right for both parents and what makes sense for the family. From what I hear, having a child alters your life forever and, speaking from experience with a sibling, adding a second child now alters not only your life but also your firstborn’s. Forever. For better or worse.

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[1] http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html

Vejune, Age 9 Meets Vejune, Age 19

07.21.2010

For my amazing writers group/class, we had to complete a homework assignment which is called a “quick write” where we have 15 minutes to write on a topic/scenario, etc. I want to share this week’s assignment that I read tonight to a group for which I got a warm response. One of my weaknesses as a writer is dialogue and I got compliments on my 9-year old's dialogue today so I’m taking the liberty to brag.

The topic was “Child/Adult Self” and we had to pick an age from our past, pick 5 characteristics of ourselves at that age and then time travel forward 10, 20, 30, etc years into the future, pick another age and write 5 characteristics of ourselves at that age. We then had to pick a location (setting) and construct a dialogue between our younger and older self.

Remember, it’s a quick write, I had 15 minutes to do it and it’s not meant to be edited. It’s just a way to get your brain to “warm up.”

Child/Adult Self

Vejune – age 9: full of life, eager (inquisitive), thoughtful, creative spirit, happy

Vejune – age 19: depressed, lonely, dark, cold heart, isolated

Location: Children’s Museum

Vejune, age 9: I can’t wait to go to the newsroom. I want to be the Anchorman.

Vejune, age 19: It’s “Anchorwoman.” You’re not a man.

V, 9: I hope there isn’t a line today. What do you want to see today?

V, 19: Nothing.

V, 9: Come on! This is exciting. What should I talk about? You know they tape you just

like in a real newsroom.

V, 19: What does it matter?

V, 9: Are you mad?

V, 19: No, why?

V, 9: Hey, I know! I can interview you!

V, 19: Why would you do that? I have nothing interesting to say.

V, 9: Yes, you do! Come on! Come on, let’s go!

They reach the Newsroom Play Area. A child sits in the Anchorman’s spot.

V, 9: We have to wait.

v, 19: I don’t think he’s doing anything. Just ask him to move.

V, 9: I can’t do that. He was here first.

V, 19: Suit yourself.

V, 9: What should I interview you about? Do you read Nancy Drew?

V, 19: I used to. I loved all those mysteries.

V, 9: (laughs) I did it!

V, 19: Did what?

V, 9: I made you smile!

V, 19: No, you didn’t.

V, 9: Did you like the Hardy Boys too?

No answer.

V, 9: Answer me.

V, 19: Yes, I did.

V, 9: You don’t read them anymore?

V, 19: Do you ever stop asking questions?

V, 9: Uh-uh.

V, 19: I read serious stuff now. Politics, history, literature. Grown up stuff.

V, 9: Is that why you’re so sad?

V, 19: I don’t think so.

V, 9: Do you write down your feelings? I write in a diary and talk about all my

secrets. Sometimes I even write about how angry mom makes me. I hope

she never reads it. But she does nice things for me too. So I write about

that too. What’s your favorite color?

V, 19: Black.

Choices Aren't Always Easy

07.20.2010

I was thinking today about this one family that I know whose daughter is over their house with her husband and little girl almost every weekend. Yesterday, the grandfather said to me that it’s so easy to forget how long it takes to dress a little kid and he wondered out loud how he and his wife had any time to do anything while raising their kids.

Sometimes I’m slow (uhh…I’m often slow) but his comment made me realize that my criticism of people who spend so much time with their families once their kid is born may have been harsh. Way harsh.

Everyone tells me that you want family around when you have kids because they’re a great help. But what I never realized is how that help works.

I look at this family’s daughter and she’s always tired, running after a little one, making sure she’s not breaking bones or putting something toxic into her mouth. Doing this by yourself and I’m mean totally and completely by yourself all day, every day, would drive any person bananas no matter how doting.

I can see that out of sheer necessity for sanity whoever is the stay-at-home parent needs to have help and who better than family? It was like a light bulb went off today. That’s not to say I still feel a tinge of being slighted by those people I once considered friends and who now never make time but let’s say I understand their plight a little better. Once a kid comes into your life, everything changes: the rules, the dynamic, and the relationships.

The Forever Relationship That Defines You

07.19.2010

I picked up this month’s Psychology Today because of it’s cover article on siblings and how your relationship with them shapes who you are. I never looked at it that way but it was for me one of those “well, duh,” moments. I want to share the top 3 nuggets I found most interesting (though the whole article is pretty good).

1) “Siblings are born to compete for parental attention, and the strategies they use wind up encoded in personality. Small wonder it can take a lifetime to work out sibling relationships.”[1]

2) “Children only seem to share the same family environment. In reality, they inhabit radically different microenvironments.”[2]

3) “…parents invariably claim they treat their kids equally, even though children can’t possibly experience their care equally, as they are at different levels of understanding. Parents are quick to deny differential treatment of their kids, says Cal State’s Heidi Riggio, because it is difficult and painful for them to think about how they may have failed their children, whose experiences of favoritism are incorporated into identity.”[3]

My responses:

1) This is one of the “duh” moments because it totally makes sense that siblings would compete for parental attention. What’s surprising, to me, is that I never put it into context. I never realized that my determination to be the absolute best in everything that I do, my drive to compete in whatever I put my mind to, may actually have something to do with the fact that once my sister was born, I had to now compete for attention. I may have been 7 years older but I still needed care and attention but, as most eldest kids will tell you, I got looked over because I was “old enough” to take care of myself. My sister, as the baby, needed attention and, not to mention, her incessant screaming needed tending to. That was probably her way of competing with me and she continuously won. (Either that or she was laying the groundwork for her amazing singing voice that she inherited from my mom and grandfather.)

2) I noticed this within my own family a while ago and it doesn’t matter how many times I may think about it, it still astounds me. My sister and I are so totally and completely different. And what I never ever took into consideration is that a huge reason for our differences is probably in how differently our mom treated us. My reality of what our family is or was and the moments within that are vastly different from my sister’s. I already knew that my mom and I remembered certain situations differently (or she didn’t remember some things at all) but I never considered that my sister’s and my reality re: our family could be different and, therefore, would alter us in different ways. And it is, of course, because we were at “different levels of understanding.” I just always took for granted that because we grew up in the same family that our experience had to be the same.

3) I remember disliking hearing my mom say that she loved us both the same because those words didn’t necessarily reflect in how she treated us. I don’t doubt that she loved us but I don’t think it’s possible to love your children in exactly the same way. Hell, I once worked with a boss who hated his middle child (and apparently the feeling was mutual). The article touched up on the facts that even if parents attempted to treat their children equally, it wouldn’t happen because you couldn’t possibly do that. As the parent, you see yourself acting in one way but the child’s (or children’s) interpretation of your actions is going to be different.

I always thought that if Rob and I had kids, we would need to have 2 so that the single child wouldn't feel alone (although I/we do plan on adopting one day if we’re going that route). And I convinced myself that I would do everything in my power to treat the children as equally as possible…but apparently, this article debunks that. I don’t think parents shouldn’t try but I think it’s important to remember that whatever you do, there are going to be issues. What I can’t stress enough (because this I certainly didn’t experience) is that it’s important as a parent to not only identify the strengths and talents of your children and do what you can to support them in those but most importantly discover what your child’s passions are and cultivate those.

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[1] Marano, Hara Estroff, Psychology Today, August 2010, p. 54.

[2] p. 56.

[3] p. 61.

Advertisers Put Ideas in My Head

07.18.2010

While cleaning, I found a booklet that I got from The Container Store advertising their upcoming sales. I love this store almost as much as I love Staples. (What does that say about my personality?)

A few years back, I noticed a definite change in my catalog browsing. Whether it’s Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware or The Container Store, the items I find myself slowing down to look over are the children’s storage bins. I find something odd about this scenario.

A) I’m terrified of having kids so why am I even looking at these items?

B) If I had kids, I would want those bins, hands down.

How is it that I’m surer about the damn bins than about having kids? [Damn advertisers…]

"I love, I love, I love Grandma"

07.17.2010

I had to go in to work today and my boss’ daughter’s family was over. They have a little girl who’s about 1 ½ and is super cute. While I was having my lunch, she was getting ready to have hers. The moment when she tugged a bit at my heart is when she sang, in Lithuanian, “I love, I love, I love grandma.”

There’s nothing like a child’s voice singing or laughing… Not to mention bittersweet for me because I know deep in my heart that my own mother will never know any grandchildren, should she have any, the way my boss will know hers.

Pressures of a Stressful Week

07.16.2010

Sometimes you have weeks where things go great. This week is not one of those for me. I’ve certainly had great moments but overall, the week was trying. How do mothers deal with feeling overextended? What are ways that mothers cope with feeling like nothing they do is ever good enough? I struggle with such said emotions without a child and I’m quite conscious that these feelings won’t just go away at some point. Is it a matter of telling yourself, “This too shall pass?”

Being Encouraged to Have Children

07.15.2010

Today, I was strongly encouraged by someone to have children because, according to this person, the gene pool is filled with more people who are continuously breeding and they shouldn’t based on lack of finances, emotional stability and/or lack of preparedness.

This adds to my frustration because for every sensible couple who has 1-2 kids, you have a hundred, let’s say, who have 4-5 kids per person. I'm flattered that I'm considered to be on the "sensible" side but I hate feeling such pressure and responsibility.

Dueling Philosophies

07.14.2010

I recently signed up to be a part of a writers group for a few weeks and I can’t tell you how eager I was to start this new adventure. You know how a little kid realizes that they get to go to Disneyland? Or that X-mas, Channukah or their birthday is near? That was me.

Yesterday was our 2^nd meeting and, for the 2^nd week in a row, I came home flying high because of the incredibly positive environment in which I have found myself. My script has a lot of work and there are definitely challenges I need to overcome but what I’m finally blessed with is a group of people who come together for the sole reason of helping each writer better their story. I’ve been a part of classes and groups where people cut each other down or insist that their idea for your story is the only way to go and leave you feeling like shit. How many tears have I shed feeling like I was incapable of conveying a thought!?

There’s such a difference between the critique that I get this time around from what’s happened in the past. I finally fully understand what “constructive criticism” means.

OK, so how does this apply to "baby" instead of it looking like I’m putting myself up on some sort of pedestal? Well, here’s how.

When a child (or individual) is in environment that cultivates his/her interests and his/her self-esteem and when that environment makes it safe for him/her to try different things, the child can grow in a positive direction. The child can figure out from an early age what works for him and what doesn’t. When fear is taken out of the equation and when taking chances are encouraged under the auspices that it’s not the result that matters as much as the attempt, then a child can grow up asking him or herself not the question of “Why?” but “Why not?”

In regards to many aspects of my life, I’m getting tired of the former being the default.

And Why Am I Doing This?

07.13.2010

I have to be honest and say that today is actually the 14^th and I’m writing an entry for yesterday. My day started at 5 am and I didn’t get home until almost 11 pm with about 1 hour in the late afternoon where I came home to shower, change, and get ready for my evening meeting. Despite loving feeling important running from one thing to the other, I am not in my 20s anymore. THAT’S for sure.

One thing that did cross my mind, though, is that IF I had a kid, how much harder certain things are going to be…

Concrete Blonde's "When I Was a Fool"

07.12.2010

As you know, Rob and I have been discussing the topic of kids for forever and we go back and forth. Oddly, he’s more ready for a family than I am. Isn’t it usually the other way around? Well, I’ve never been the “typical” one. Neither has he. I guess that’s why we’re together.

Anyway, he recently went to see Concrete Blonde and heard the song When I was a Fool and saw it and interpreted it in a new light. He sent me the lyrics and then we discussed them a bit. Currently, Johnette Napolitano (the lead singer) is a woman in her early 50s and the song is a reflection upon her decision to not have kids. I have comments underneath.

WHEN I WAS A FOOL

I re-read silly lines that made sense at the time, Pages all stained with tears and red wine, And I walk through the airport and see magazines, Every face that I see so much younger than me,

And I smile to myself how I don’t even miss My glorious past or the lips that I've kissed, And I think to myself how easy this is, Easy to breathe, easy to live,

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over how to be, what to say, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

So I live in these days but I still have my old ways, ’Cause the future somehow has yet to arrive, And I see all around me the women on time, Kids and divorces and crisis in midlife,

And do I surrender and give up my dream, For a brick in the wall and a washing machine? Grow up and get real for a kid in her teens Who won't care what I've done, where I've been, what I've seen?

And I wonder why I tear myself in two Over who to be, how to be, and what to do, And I know you liked me better then, And I know you liked me better when I was a fool.

I'm free to a fault, I’m 45, I’m playing guitar, I’m living my life, Fly down the highway, Sun on my face, I belong to nobody, I belong to no place.

The first thought that popped into my head upon reading these lyrics is that they seem so sad especially the last two lines. I have yet to meet anyone (any woman) who chose to not have children and lived well into her life and didn’t regret the decision. And, as a result, I find that the person seeks out ways to connect to kids either via a sibling’s children or, like Oprah, opening up schools and raising money and/or awareness for children-oriented places or organizations. Whatever happens with me personally, whatever path I choose to take, I know that I will throw myself completely in it. The problem, though, in doing that, there’s a danger of losing myself. And I'm so scared of that.

Pets

07.11.2010

I’ve always had animals in my life; from the day I was born through today. I can’t imagine my life without animals and I feel badly for people who don’t care to understand. Especially since science has discovered that those with animals live longer.

I also wish that our society cared more for animals. There’s a woman who runs a bunny rescue at which I’ve started to volunteer and the stories I hear about the rescue business is atrocious. She primarily deals with animals from Santee Alley in downtown LA which is where all the illegal sales of animals occurs. It’s illegal because the animals sold are either on the black market or the animals are just babies, many having been born within days and should not be taken away from their mothers.

If you are thinking of including an animal in your life, consider a bunny. I’ve had rabbits almost my whole life and they make amazing pets. You can potty train them like cats and they’re not expensive to keep. Rabbits also have great personalities and because they’re not totally high maintenance, they’re a good way to get a child to learn responsibility.

I’m including the link to the foundation where I volunteer and if you were to choose to adopt a bunny, please say that you got the information off of my blog. Thank you! (www.bunnyworldfoundation.org)

What Good is Guilt Really?

07.10.2010

Today I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Call it the Catholic upbringing and schooling where you’re taught to feel guilty about every move you make, but whatever it is or was, I felt it. I look around at people who have kids and I love that they’re so happy. I love to watch parents play with their kids. I love to watch a dad hold a baby in his arms as he “discusses” some topic with him/her. I love to see a little child’s day be made with just the simplest act like getting to press an elevator button. Believe it or not, these kinds of things make me very happy.

In the passed two days, I’ve been able to balance working and writing perfectly. And because this doesn’t come second nature to me, I had to work at making that happen. I got a solid 2 hours of work done today and made some personal breakthroughs that make me feel incredibly good. So where does this guilt come in?

I’m happy to not have a kid and I feel guilty for feeling that and I feel doubly guilty for not feeling the pull to have one. That’s not to say I never feel it; I’d be lying. But when I look at the families and I look at the photos, I feel like there’s something really wrong with me for not making that my #1 priority. I know plenty of women my age who are already going to fertility doctors because all they want is a child. I know I’ve been harsh on these kinds of women, and I’ve softened (a bit) because it’s not fair to judge someone else’s journey. But given what society preaches and given what I see around me, I just feel abnormal that I am not doing everything in my power at this stage in life to have a child. After 4 days of bad or failed attempts to write, I’m so much more content to have 1 day where I break through the bricks. With a child around, would I have the energy or the stamina to keep chipping away at my own insecurities and challenges?

Trading the Party Life for an Old Woman Life

07.09.2010

At what point did the change happen? I asked myself. This question was prompted because of the new neighbors who moved in on the 3^rd floor about a week ago. I remember taking one look at them and knew there’d be trouble. And by trouble, I mean parties. The guys are in their early 20s and most likely have yuppie, high-paying jobs because that’s the only “kind” that can afford to live on the Westside. I am a yuppie by proxy because I live on the Westside and anything outside of the vicinity of where I live is considered to be “far” and “over there,” but hey, I admit it. The only reason I can live where I live is because I’ve been in the same apt. for 27 years and I (we) reap the benefits of rent control. Any landowner’s/ apt. building owner’s nightmare, I know.

When my mom moved out 11 years ago, I was throwing a party about once a month. There didn’t even have to be n excuse; I just threw a party to throw it. I had no money, but hey that’s what credit cards were for, right? For as financially responsible as I usually was (and am) once in a while I would do something where only later I questioned where that responsibility went for on vacation.

So tonight, for the 2^nd Friday in a row, the guys had people over and had their soiree on their patio creating an echoe. I was annoyed because it was already after 11 pm and I could hear them (once upon a time I was just getting started at that time). I wanted to be mad but then I told myself that my neighbors put up with me while I went through my party stage.

I tried to figure out when I grew out of that “party stage” and went into “old woman stage.” The fact that I have difficulty staying up past 10 pm – and if I do I’m cranky – worries me because, with a newborn, you’re up every 2 hours. And, from what I hear, you basically give up sleep for the first many years of the child’s life. I love sleep. I’ve always loved sleep. One of my mom’s favorite stories about me is that she’d have to wake me up when I was a baby because I would just sleep all day. And, to make matters worse, I hear that the older you get the quicker you get tired with kids because you just don’t have the same energy that you do when in your 20s.

I don’t know…everyone says it’s different when you have your own kids. You don’t mind being tired or doing the extra work around the house. I guess I do what I need to do when I’m tired in order to take care of the cats. Sometimes abiding by a strict medicine/feeding schedule gets cumbersome but I do it because I love him and I know it helps keep him alive and well.

Everything in perspective, right?

Something Stinks

07.08.2010

At the beginning of the year when Rob and I were talking seriously about the possibility of starting a family this year, we gave each other tasks to do (like research) and agreed to regroup and discuss if this is something that we want to do. He decided to work out the finances and if it’s in the cards for us now and one of the things that I decided to look into was diapers and try to figure out a guesstimate cost per month. Being super environmentally conscious, I started with the brands at Whole Foods and compared prices. Let’s just start with the word “ridiculous.”

The 365 brand (Whole Foods’ brand) is priced at $11.99 per bag and 7^th Generation is at $12.99. You get a few more diapers per bag with 7^th Generation. But when you compare the 22-42 diapers per bag that you get (depending on baby’s weight) with regular store brand diapers, the price difference is astounding. Pampers, e.g. for the #3 size, you get 96 diapers for $19.99. Compare that to 38 for $11.99 for the 365 brand. This info really pissed me off because how, especially in an economic state that we’re in now, how do you make an easy choice to be more environmentally friendly? How do you convince someone that all the dyes and non-biodegradable material in Pampers isn’t worth it for the environment (or your baby’s butt) when you get so much more with them?

On top of that, a girl that I tutor discovered (via a science experiment) that the natural brand diapers aren’t as absorbent as the others. So you’re getting charged more for less. Interestingly, Huggies Pure and Natural is more expensive per diaper than 365 or 7th Generation. You get up to 12 diapers less per bag than you would with the Whole Foods brands.

My gripe is with the fact that there’s such great discouragement among companies to go more natural. It also pisses me off that Whole Foods charges so much when I know they could charge less. I used to work for Wild Oats and I know how high the mark-up is on products. I also know that there might be more of a process involved with all natural diapers, but I don’t think that there has to be such a huge discrepancy. I’ll pay more for organic produce because I don’t want to ingest pesticides if I can help it and organic produce will rot faster so there’s a premium placed; there’s more to lose. But diapers themselves don’t rot, so what the hell?

Anyone have any thoughts? What about diaper services for cloth diapers? I’m curious what other moms have to say about the exciting and dirty world of diapers.

Don't Touch the Buddha Belly

07.07.2010

I happened to read a column today written by a guest journalist for the LA Times about her 3^rd trimester pregnancy.[1] In my humble opinion, I don’t think that the column was particularly good or insightful, but she raised an interesting topic that I’ve heard other moms talk about. The belly.

The journalist explained how much she hated people commenting on how “large” she was or that they made gender guesses as one CVS clerk did by exclaiming that she was having a girl because if she were having a boy she’d be “much prettier.” Her quip back at the clerk was, “How do you know I’m not always this ugly?” That’s smart, I thought. Better than what I would’ve come up with. (The journalist had a boy.)

I’ve heard that women hate their bellies being touched or commented on. The touching thing I can get because I think it’s just rude to go up to someone and start touching them. I don’t really do that with people that I know much less strangers. I have to feel ultra comfortable with someone to pat him/her on the shoulder, hand or whatever. Part of me thinks this might have to do with being a teacher where you’re strongly discouraged from touching children by any means unless they come up to you and you’re in the vicinity of other adults. But then, I'm generally not a touchy-feely kind of person.

So those of you who have been pregnant, what say you? What do you deem acceptable behaviour from the public towards your pregnancy and what do you consider unacceptable? What about friends and family?

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[1] Brodesser-Akner, Taffy “Quiet! Baby on Board,” Los Angeles Times, Wednesday, July 7, 2010, A13.

Give and Take

07.06.2010

Today was such a great day of creativity for me. I met with an actress friend who’s going to collaborate on a project with me and it was encouraging to see genuine excitement on her face when discussing it. We’ve been trying to get together to talk about this opportunity for a while but for various reasons it’s been difficult to follow through. She called me up at the last minute yesterday afternoon and, surprisingly, we were both free.

Afterwards, I went to my new writers group meeting and was energized there, as well. Coming home after that meeting, I thought about how I was able to meet my friend in the afternoon and go to the writers meeting without having to worry about who would watch a little one. I was so grateful that I didn’t have to go through that. My meeting with my friend would’ve been postponed even longer. I don’t necessarily have spontaneous meetings and, as a matter of fact, it’s quite rare that I happen to have an afternoon free to have a meeting like that. But I have to admit that it was nice to have it.

I’m sure I would’ve found someone to watch the little one so that I could go to the evening meeting – especially since I’ve known about it for weeks but it’s still nice to not have to worry about that.

It’s all a give and take, right? You have to let go of one thing to have another.

Accepting Family

07.05.2010

I’ve been really missing my mom this passed weekend. She moved to Lithuania 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her since x-mas ’08 and it’s a mystery when I’ll be seeing her next.

I long ago learned that I had to accept my mom for whom she is and, like parents with their children, I had to accept that she’s going to make her own decisions regardless of what others may or may not think. As an artist, she has always lived her life by her emotions and desires first which always made for a creative environment to grow up in but it had and does have its drawbacks.

This acceptance of a family member’s decision that you don’t necessarily agree with is very difficult. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s very challenging for me to have to accept that certain things aren’t viewed in the same way as I view them. And I know that parents have to deal with this and their children constantly. If you see that your child is making a mistake, it’s important that you step back and let him/her make the mistake because how else is she/he going to learn? When your child hurts, you hurt. When your child’s happy and excited, so, as a parent, are you.

Our decisions affect more than just us. My mom’s decision to move has affected everyone that she knows and directly changed my (and my sister’s) life forever. Especially because a flight to Lithuania can’t be done over a weekend.

I don’t know how good I would be in stepping back with my opinions and the like if my child were making a decision that I don’t agree with. I’ve had to be in a mother role for most of my life and I think it’s contributed to my decision to not have kids earlier. The emotional entanglement involved in guiding and raising kids can go deep and when the kid goes against that guidance in some way, the decision can cut deeply. It’s because I’ve had to deal with a lot of decisions made around me that have cut deeply that makes me sometimes wonder how much of that do I want to willingly bring back into my life? How easy is it to differentiate between your child as the child you want to control and the child who is his/her own individual? How do you know when to let go and when to hang on?