Happy Halloween!

10.31.2010

I was very happy to volunteer at the Heritage Square Museum today passing out candy to trick-or-treaters. For someone who’s so damn unsure about having kids, I sure to a lot with and for kids. Sigh… But, I love it.

There was an incident that made me shake my head at parents. A very pregnant mother came in with her daughter of about 2-years old who immediately recognized that a friend was there (same age). The two started to play and and the mother decided to take out her phone/camera. She starts taking photos when her kid has a huge sneeze that produced a runny snot. The other little girl’s mother didn’t have a Kleenex and asked sneezy girl’s mom if she had one but that mom just kept fiddling around with her phone doing whatever. The other mom and I momentarily made eye contact (and I’m sure the same thought was going through our minds) as sneezy girl started to take her friend’s toy away which, as you can imagine, didn’t make the 1^st girl too happy. I wanted to yell out to the mom, “Will you wipe your kid’s snot already? I know it’s Halloween, but no one wants to look at this.”

My favorite two costumes belonged to a boy and girl also of about 2-years old. The little girl was dressed up as Raggedy Ann and she was so darn cute that I just wanted to pick her up and tickle her silly. But that probably would’ve looked weird.

The little boy’s costume was a monkey with a curly tail and a banana coming out of a pocket. At one point his dad was filming him and the little boy kept walking up and down the pathway giggling up a storm. I watched the scene somewhat jealous to not be a part of that kind of magic. Later, this little boy made me realize an aspect of children I haven’t really explored on my blog yet. But I need to meditate on the thought a little.

Overall, a very nice Halloween and I hope that those of you with kids had a nice one as well.

Teens Talk Amongst Themselves

10.30.2010

I find it interesting that, although I very much enjoy teaching junior high school students, I can’t imagine myself being a parent of a teenager. In a controlled environment, I try to make the lessons interesting and to generate discussion but take me outside of that controlled environment and I’m helpless. What do you talk to them about? How do you relate to them? I wonder these things because teens look at adults as an “enemy” no matter how “cool” you think you are.

There’s a woman I know whose daughter is a freshman at the high school I attended and, on occasion, I inquire at how she’s adjusting. This mom is super cool and she expressed how distraught she is that her daughter pushes her away and speaks to her in hurtful ways. It underscored the memories I had from when I was a teen and how convinced I was that I would do things differently and/or that I’d be such a cool parent that my kid would never think some of the thoughts that I had when I didn’t get my way.

But alas, this isn’t the case and it feeds into the post that I had the other day. A parent puts so much of themselves and their lives into raising a kid only to endure a period of time where all of that will appear to mean nothing to the kid. There should be a support group for parents with teens.

So I continue to wonder… I get along with teens really well in the classroom and I feel privileged to see their minds expand and the lightbulbs go off but I don’t know if I’d be able to carry this same kind of interest outside of the classroom, even with my own kid. I know to a parent that might sound silly and stupid because, hey, the kid is your kid so you’d know his/her interests, likes/dislikes, etc. But what happens when your kid stops talking to you?

The Day's Reflection

10.29.2010

Today was one of those days where I wasn't home much and now, just getting in with it way passed my bedtime, I’m too zonked to put together a thoughtful entry for today.

But quickly, one of my errands today consisted of taking both our cats to the vet for check-ups and to look into one of the cat’s inflamed lip. This cat has had major health issues over the past 2½ years and I’ve been dreading taking him for fear of finding out that something else is horribly wrong. And I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster with him in this past year that I had trouble accepting that the ride might not be over.

All the way to the vet’s my stomach was in knots as I played out different scenarios of what the doctor could come to me with and each time the scenario ended with the only choice being having to put him down. This is probably because that was a very real possibility earlier this year.

Thankfully, both cats are healthy for the most part with a few things to watch out for and others to take care of soon. Then at some point the thought crossed my mind, if my worry about our animals got so high that it kicked in my anxiety and I couldn’t eat, what is it going to be like if I have a kid? Hmmm…now that I think about it, if I’m worried about a kid all the time, maybe I’d finally lose those 22 pounds that I can’t seem to shed. Silver lining, people, silver lining. The cynic needs some sort of a silver lining on occasion.

My AI Moment. What's Yours?

10.28.2010

Last week, I went to my elementary school for an open house. Not only am I an alumnus but I also taught there for a year. This school is part of the Archdiocese and so it's on the brink of being closed down due to all the financial issues the Church is having; therefore, I try to support any activities they have whenever I can.

At the open house, two students took me on a tour of the premises, although most of it looked the same from when I worked there 10 years ago which, at that point, hadn’t looked much different from when I graduated. Both the 7^th and 8^th graders flooded me with questions about my experiences there as a student, and it was during this spontaneous Q&A that I was reminded of what it is exactly I miss about teaching. It’s also the only thing.

One of the questions posed was whether or not there was anything I missed about the school. This gave me pause. I then began my answer with, “I know this won’t mean much to you but what I miss is being your age and having time. Time to play, time to be with friends and having one of my biggest worries be about completing my homework.” There were, of course, other things going on at home that I don’t miss but I miss having two hours to write in my journal, for example.

I never appreciated all that my mom did, and as a single parent at that. There are choices she made that I certainly wish she made differently, but, today, every time I have to stop a project to make dinner, I think about how, as a kid, I could just keep going.

Parents bring a child into this world and raise him/her, teaching him/her how to be self-sufficient and productive (or at least they should be). Parents parlay their values and have hopes and dreams for and expectations of their child only to often become disappointed with the choices that he/she has made (because it wasn’t the vision that they had for their child). Parents invest so much of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually into these little carbon copies of themselves who will end up maybe never appreciating, let alone aware of, all the sacrifices they, as parents, made and continue to make. Isn’t that painful?

I’d like to return, even for an AI-like moment, to a time when I was working on some school project while my mom prepared dinner (if she was home) and, instead of being annoyed by or annoyed with her, I’d like to appreciate that for that moment in time she was letting me be a kid.[1]

---

[1] I am referring to the Stanley Kubrick/Steven Spielberg movie AI (Artificial Intelligence), 2001.

I'm Not That Strong

10.27.2010

I don’t know how women do it. I must be exceptionally weak.

I heard that to imagine the pain of labor, one should take one’s worst cramps and multiply it by 100. At the risk of TMI (and I’m sorry to any men reading this) but I was in so much pain from cramps today that had I been around any individual, I would’ve clawed that person’s eyes out. And my pain went on for only 20 minutes.

Sitting on the floor, huddled with legs bent, I tried to imagine going through this pain at an increased intensity and intermittently for 10 hours or more. The only thoughts to follow this fantasy were, “Women must out of their [expletive] minds.”

And to the sentiment, “It’s almost like you don’t even realize you’re in so much pain because you’re transported to another level,” I respond with an emphatic and sarcastic, “Duh. You’d have to be on another level, on another plateau, hell, on another god-damned planet to deal with so much pain.” Why do we choose to go through that?

Oh, that’s right! For a bundle of joy who robs you of sleep for the first 5 to 18 years of your life. For a bundle of joy who robs your bank account for the first 22 years of your life. And for that bundle of joy who will make you question your very existence for the rest of your life. All for “unconditional love,” right?

But before you get your bundle a joy, a woman has to go through a monthly, painful ritual. Having a period is hell. At least for me. It used to be so easy for me but life after 30 is certainly different. And I feel like it’s making me physically weaker because I used to be able to take pain so much better. I don’t get it. I honestly don’t get it.

A woman must be unbelievably selfless to go through so much physical alteration and pain for a bundle of joy. I don’t know if I’m that strong. I really don’t know.

Thoughts

10.26.2010

The little girl whose father I tutor now recognizes me and knows me by name (she is almost 2-years old). And when she sees me and yells out “Hi, Vejune” in Lithuanian it really warms my heart. Little kids’ high-pitched voices are always so sweet and their smiles and joy so genuine. I understand the desire to want to put that memory in a bottle and carry it around as a reminder of how sweet life can be when standing in front of a wall of frustration, anger and/or pain. I realized long ago that I want to keep some of that innocence in my heart, to not let the apathy of the world get in the way. It’s not always easy to keep that goal I mind and I wonder if it’ll change at all should we have a kid. Meaning, would the usual worry that I carry trump any shred of innocence I vowed to keep in my heart or would the child bring it out even more?

Yet Again...

10.25.2010

Found out that yet another person I know is pregnant. Since I'm feeling that the entire world around me is having babies, I decided to sit down and count amongst my friends how many have had a baby in the past year or became pregnant. Over 50% of my friends are pregnant. Is this normal? I mean, is it normal for someone to personally know so many at one time who are pregnant?

Part of me yells out, “What the hell are you waiting for?” And then another part yells, “Shut the hell up!”

I worked for about 4 hours today on a creative project where I lost myself in my work, content to be in the moment. If I had a kid, I wouldn’t have that. Or if I did, it would have to be planned, thought out and scheduled ahead of time and that’s if I found a babysitter. How is that living in the moment?

This whole situation is confusing. The clock’s tics are actually getting louder. It hit me a few days ago that I’m a few months away from being one more year closer to 40 and I physically felt the pressure that this baby decision needs to be made soon. Of the people that I know who are pregnant, 2 couples have been trying for years to conceive. Another couple hit it on the first try. You just don’t know and I wish that there were some inkling into knowing how long it will take. Just having that piece of information would help.

More Than Just Pumpkin Carving

10.24.2010

I want to carve a pumpkin for Halloween but it’s not the same doing it alone. Rob’s not into it and it’s not one of those things I want to “force” him to do. My sister and I carved pumpkins when she was briefly living with us two years ago but that was the first and last time I did that in the last 10 years, I think.

It’s one of those things you do as a family. At least, that’s how it was while I was growing up and I know that if we had kids, I would be totally all about carving one with them. I think I’m becoming one of those people who dislikes the holidays because it reminds you how lonely it can be. I know what could change all that but I don’t know if having a kid so that I don’t feel sad during the holidays makes a good enough “excuse” to have one. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be really interesting…

My Special Needs: More Benefit of the Doubt

10.23.10

Today, I felt like an ass.

I consider myself to be a compassionate person and one who sees all sides to things and I’m usually pretty good at foreseeing problems and/or being able to deal with crises as they come with a good head on my shoulders. Today, I shocked myself at how uncompassionate I could be.

I was on the playground at recess (at Lithuanian school) desperately trying to find a teacher in the 10 minutes we had when suddenly I heard blood curling screams to my immediate left. I walked over as the situation escalated. A boy of about 8 was shrieking at another boy and pointing his finger repeating, “You did it! On purpose!” I tried to gently put his hand down and tell him that that wasn’t necessary but he wouldn't listen. I observed the other boy of about the same age sink into himself paralyzed with fear.

I tried to get the screaming boy to explain to me what happened which then prompted him to shriek “My doughnut! He dropped it on purpose!” The other kid, of course, desperately said he didn’t and that it was an accident that then set the kid off even more.

By this point a father came over and tried to calm him down and I’m thinking to myself “Are you serious? You’re seriously throwing a tantrum over a doughnut?”

The more this kid screamed, I started to get uncomfortable and, honestly, somewhat scared because it didn’t matter what was being told to him, his anger kept escalating along with his voice and tears.

A mother (not his) came over and took control, sternly telling him to stop his behavior so that the other kid could apologize. For a moment it seemed like this kid was totally calmed down but when the other said, “I’m sorry. It was an accident” the kid started everything all over again.

The mom asked where the doughnut was and the kid, in between sobs, picked up the one bite that was left and the mom said, “Let’s go get another one.” This set him off even more yelling, “No! No! No!” He took the doughnut, lifted it in the air as if he was going to throw it on the ground. She sternly said, “Don’t you dare. Throw it in the trash but not on the ground.” He followed those directions but it didn’t stop him from continuing to yell, “No!”

The bell rang and I had to get back to class but the kid was still going at it. I walked back to my classroom and I must’ve had a perplexed and scared look on my face because one my kid’s moms asked if I was alright. I confided that I just saw a kid have a complete meltdown and that it makes me thankful for not having kids. She then asked which one it was, I pointed to him (because his teacher wouldn’t let him in the classroom until he calmed down) and she said, “Oh, no, no, no. He’s autistic.”

If I were a cartoon, my face would’ve turned into a donkey. I should’ve known by his reaction and inability to control his emotions that he was special needs. The only line of defense I have is that there are many children I come across that are unbelievably spoiled and whose similar tantrums I've witnessed, but I feel like I should’ve known better instead of jumping to judgment.

We all have our ticks and can react to situations in ways that we couldn’t have ever guessed. I’ve been through that, I get it. And, I guess for autistic kids, that’s a way of life. It’s a good reminder for me (for all of us) to keep in mind when we see a kid (or an adult) behave in a way that we wouldn’t necessarily think is “normal” to give that person the benefit of the doubt that he/she needs an extra moment or two to understand what’s going on and take whatever time is needed to process it. Who said kids can't teach us?

"You Have to Be Better..."

10.22.2010

Lately I’ve been contemplating the saying that I often hear from many parents and that is that once you had a kid, you try to be the best person that you possibly could be. Like one of my favorite lines in the movie Away We Go, a woman says about her kids, “You have to be better than you ever imagined.”

I always like to think of myself as already trying to be the best that I can be and I like to tell myself that I certainly don’t need a child to push me to be better. But, as of late, I question those sentiments.

It’s become very easy for me to fall into a lax routine, to come and go as I please and not have to worry about whether or not I’m setting a good example for anyone. And as much I tend to not mind that, when I step outside of my shell, it makes me wonder if I am really being my best when I let things get a little more “slothy” or I don’t push myself to exercise more because all I have is myself. I don’t have to be an example for anyone so why try?

That’s not to say that I haven’t known parents who couldn’t care less about being the best they can be when they have kids. I taught kids with such parents. But I’m taking heed of the comment that I hear from other parents who do take that comment to heart and it makes me wonder if I truly am being as good as I can be.

I’m not saying I have to have a kid to become better. But I think that it becomes easier to be a little lazier in that department because you don’t have to worry about anyone else. There’s no one looking up to you, no one to emulate you and without that I think it’s easier to let part of your personality slip through the cracks.

Nonprofit Makes Science Hot

10.21.2010

I read an article in Sunday’s paper (10.16.2010) about a nonprofit that recently opened whose focus is on engaging children with science. A woman, Tara Chklovski, founded Iridescent while pursuing a doctorate in aerodynamics at USC. She is 32-years old and what an inspiration… I have had many kid-oriented nonprofit ideas in my head but have always talked myself out of exploring them because of fear.

What Ms. Chklovski has done is recruit surrounding-area schools to come to the complex and learn different things about science taught by volunteer teachers who are USC engineering students and the like. One little girl was so enthralled with a workshop where she got to pull things apart that she asked her mom if she could pull apart the family car. The mom didn’t think that was such a good idea, of course. (But hey, a kid excited about science!? And a girl at that!? Yay!)

These are the kinds of things we need more of and it also serves as one more example that it truly does take a village to raise a family. We all have a part in raising the next generation whether we have kids or not.

If you’re looking for a place to donate, I’m sure Iridescent could use the help. www.iridescentlearning.org.

Developmental Milestones of Early Literacy Chart

10.19.2010

I’m sure in a parallel universe somewhere I work as a child development researcher, doctor or analyst. I find development of any kind to be fascinating but especially that of children. One of the most interesting classes I ever had was one on child development. Learning all about the different stages of discovery for a child and how it’s tied to one’s brain is amazing. It, of course, helps to also understand some of the more “annoying” behaviors of children. Well, the ones that aren’t associated with a parent’s lack of parenting, that is.

The topic of reading is a huge issue for me and I highly encourage for any moms to refer to the chart that I copied below. For more info, I also encourage visiting the site from which I got this which is in my footnote.

Developmental Milestones of Early Literacy[1]

6-12 Months

Motor Skills: reaches for book, book to mouth, sits in lap, head steady, turns pages with adult help

Cognitive Skills: looks at pictures, vocalizes, pats pictures, prefers pictures of faces

What Parents Can Do: hold child comfortably; face-to-face gaze, follow baby’s cues for “more” and “stop,” point and name pictures

12-18 Months

Motor: sits without support, may carry book, holds book with help, turns board pages, several at a time

Cognitive: no longer mouths right away, points at pictures with one finger, may make same sound for particular picture (labels), points when asked, “where’s...?”, turns book right side up, gives book to adult to read

What Parents Can Do: respond to child’s prompting to read, let the child control the book be comfortable with toddler’s short attention span, ask “where’s the...?” and let child point

18-24 Months

Motor: turns board book pages easily, one at a time, carries book around the house, may use book as transitional object

Cognitive: names familiar pictures, fills in words in familiar stories, “reads” to dolls or stuffed animals, recites parts of well-known stories, attention span highly variable

What Parents Can Do: relate books to child’s experiences, use books in routines [and] bedtimes, ask “what’s that?” and give child time to answer, pause and let child complete the sentence

24-36 Months

Motor: learns to handle paper pages, goes back and forth in books to find favorite pictures

Cognitive: recites whole phrases, sometimes whole stories, coordinates text with picture, protests when adult gets a word wrong in a familiar story, reads familiar books to self

What Parents Can Do: keep using books in routines, read at bedtime, be willing to read the same story over and over, ask “what’s that?”, relate books to child’s experiences, provide crayons and paper

3 Years and Up

Motor: competent book handling, turns paper pages one at a time

Cognitive: listens to longer stories, can retell familiar story, understands what text is, moves finger along text, “writes” name, moves toward letter recognition

What Parents Can Do: ask “what’s happening?”, encourage writing and drawing, let the child tell the story

---

[1] http://www.reachoutandread.org/parents/milestones/

Sesame Street's "I Love My Hair"

10.20.2010

Well. It’s about time.

Reading: A Parent's Guide, Part I

10.18.2010

In Sunday’s LA Times, there’s a special section about reading and a parent’s guide to it. I haven’t read it in its entirety but there are a few things that I thought were interesting. Instead of overwhelming the one or two readers I have, I’ll try and space the information out as I, myself, go through the guide. Since I’ll be picking and choosing info that I find interesting only, if anyone would like to look at the guide in its entirety, here’s the link: http://www.latimes.com/extras/readingby9/. The following info was gathered by Shelly Gabert (for the LA Times), I just consolidated it.

Beverly Hills based family and child therapist, Jenn Berman, Psy.D, and guest expert on parenting on “The Today Show,” urges parents to start reading with their child/ren as soon as possible and as often as possible. She outlines six “immediate” benefits of reading toward a child’s development.

Increases Vocabulary: “Just reading three picture books each week has been shown to increase vocabulary by 15% to 40%...”

Improves Listening Skills: “Being read to at home appears to help with listening comprehension…since most of the instructions a child receives early in life are oral, they will better understand what their teachers and their parents ask them to do.”

Improves Attention Span and Memory: “The ability to pay attention and the ability to remember facts are interconnected.”

Hones Reading and Writing Skills: According to research conducted by the US Department of Education, “children who are read to at least three times a week by a family member are almost twice as likely to score in the top 25% in reading…[and] students who read more had less fear of writing because of their exceptional grasp on written language.”

Builds Creativity and Imagination: "Reading nurtures a child’s ability to think outside the box.”

Enhances Enjoyment of Books: “Each time you read to your child, you are conditioning his or her brain to make an association between reading and pleasure. It starts when they are infants and as they learn to read themselves.”

Tomorrow I’ll have info on the Developmental Milestones of Early Literacy. Oddly, I found it fascinating.

Super Bowl Ad 2010 - House Rules

10.17.2010

I haven’t had Doritos® in probably over 10 years and I’m sure you’ve seen the following ad as a runner-up for the Doritos® - Crash the Super Bowl 2010 but I think it serves as a great example of simplicity, succinctness in message, and well performed especially by the little boy. For someone like me and for someone with my interests and creative pursuits, these are important lessons. Enjoy!

Addiction and Its Genetic Encoding

10.16.2010

One of the biggest, strongest and most serious reasons I don’t want to bring a child into this world is addiction. I’ve been open about my addiction to food and my issue with trich, but in addition to just my own vices that are genetic, there are issues such as smoking, alcoholism, and depression that exist between Rob’s family and mine. To have one addiction makes things hard enough. Our future child has 5 major ones working against him/her. I struggle with food and trich on a daily basis. The slightest rise in anxiety triggers one or the other and, occasionally, both at the same time. If I’ve had a good food week, it usually means my pulling wasn’t or vice versa. The trich alone is something that I will genetically pass down to our child and he/she has a 50/50 chance of it triggering at some point. If not the trich or in addition to, our future child will most likely have a predisposition to being overweight because of both of our families. And I don’t have to go into the statistics for smoking and alcoholism. As for depression, I recently learned that fathers who have children later in life (after 35) have a higher chance of having a child who will become depressed. I’ve had problems with depression in the past myself so I’m sure the statistic shoots up more.

With all these realities milling about in my mind, I ask myself, how fair is it to bring a child into this world who has an at least 50% chance of getting any one of the 5 addictions aforementioned. I would bring a child into this world who would observe my habits and, like I did with my own mother, adopt some of those unhealthy habits because I’m not strong enough to overcome them. How do I teach a child to be a better person when I can’t even be good enough for me? I can’t stand myself for having these addictions and I dislike seeing someone close to me with theirs despite my understanding of them. It kills me to know that someday our child will see the aftereffects of me physically altering myself because of my trich and copy me or become addicted to smoking or drinking or food because that’s what he/she sees around him/her. I know that no one is perfect and I know that part of living life is learning, and that it’s about falling down and getting up to try again. I know this. But it terrifies me to face so many addictions at once and know that the high likelihood of our child inheriting one or all of them that may ultimately destroy him/her psychologically/emotionally/spiritually and/or actually kill him/her makes me queasy and nervous. It’s difficult to wrap my head around that.

Mother Polar Bear and Her Cub

10.15.2010

Today has been one of those days…

42 Things That Change with a Baby

10.14.2010

A friend sent a link to the following article and I thought it was a good read for those of us who are childless and are contemplating changing that status.[1] I wanted to write my own comments under each number but that wasn't feasible. Some numbers I disagree with (like #1; I try to stop and take in a beautiful flower, sunset, rainbow etc whenever I can already), (#12; I should’ve been a doctor because bodily functions fascinate me, especially blood and wounds), (and #14. I don’t care what is said I won't become a morning person. I wasn’t even a morning person when I was a baby. Ask my mom who would wake me up.)

Forty-two things that change when you have a baby

by Rebecca Woolf

Last updated: June 2009

What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.



1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.


2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]

3. 
The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. 
You respect your body ... finally.


5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.


6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.


7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.


8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.


9. Your heart breaks much more easily.


10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.


11. Every day is a surprise.


12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)


13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.


14. You become a morning person.


15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.



And from our readers...



1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom

2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous


3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte


4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom


5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne


6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye


7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous


8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda


9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom


10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom


11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom


12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara [Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey


14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom


15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008

---

[1] http://www.babycenter.com/0_forty-two-things-that-change-when-you-have-a-baby_1452535.bc?scid=preg_2_20101014:2&pe=2Uza9oW

A Sonogram of Hope

10.13.2010

I recently saw a sonogram and I don’t know if it’s because it belonged to someone close to me or not but I was overwhelmed with emotion. The newness and promise that comes with a baby is so strong, and I wish that at least a fraction of that remained with us throughout our lives. We get so jaded by the time we’re adults and it becomes more challenging with each year to try and see situations from a fresh perspective or from the perspective of hope. So much emphasis on these emotions is associated with having a baby that I wish we’d spread them a little more throughout our lives instead of just with the coming of a baby. It’s up to us as individuals to remember that having hope, like a smile, is contagious.

The Fertility Test

10.12.2010

A couple of weeks ago, I took a fertility test. I first heard about such a test through a friend and finally went to a gyno to talk about it and get some other things checked out. The scare I had with the MRI earlier this year is nothing to be alarmed about, though something to be monitored. I’m not totally convinced that it’s not contributing to some other issues I’m having but this is where I have to take a leap of faith in science.

For anyone who is like me and has no idea what exactly is a fertility test for women, it is a blood test taken on your 2^nd or 3^rd day of your period.

The entire week I waited for the results, I thought about the reactions I could have to one of the two possible results. What if I’m abnormal? Or, what if I’m normal?

It was easier for me to answer the first question because if something is physically wrong with me then the decision is made for me and I can wash my hands of it. And a part of me was actually hoping for this (I know that sounds horrible. Please lightning don’t strike me).

But alas, the results came back normal and the doctor said all is great. The more I search for an outside source to make this damn decision and to give me a sign that we shouldn’t have kids, the more the signs point in the opposite direction.

I've been a fighter and a survivor for much of my life and it’s instinct to prepare for battle and the worst scenario. The downside to this is that I tend to ignore other possibilities. I’ve created a battle in weighing the decision to have a baby; an internal struggle that’s become more difficult than it probably should be.

“Every journey begins with a first step.” I stand on a precipice of sorts, waiting. If I take a step forward off that cliff, I fall and will need to spread my wings and fly observing what’s below me through a new pair of eyes. If I continue to stand on the precipice, I’m safe, on land, comfortable and secure.

“Every. Journey. Begins. With a first step.” How much of life is explored through the eyes of comfort?

Halloween Reflections in the Mirror

10.11.2010

Last week, I put out the Halloween decorations like I have every year for the past 11 years. Halloween has always been my favorite day. I remember my mom making our costumes and looking forward to trick-or-treating. There’s something about that ritual that I’ve always loved and, I think, what I like most about it is that it’s the only day of the year that unifies absolutely each and every one of us (except for Jehovah’s Witnesses). It doesn’t matter the race or religion because we all celebrate Halloween somehow.

Decorating the place for any holiday always puts me in a good mood. I remember during grad school being stressed, convinced that I was a failure, and taking time out to put up decorations would immediately lift my spirits. But for the past 2-3 years, my mood isn’t lifted as high as it was once. I took note of that about 3 years ago but I didn’t process it, thinking that maybe it was because I was especially stressed at work.

Then last year I felt the spirits-not-getting-lifted-as-much-as-they-should even more. I probably could’ve given an answer as to why, were I to be pressed for one, but no one asked and I didn’t share so, as what comes naturally to me, I suppressed it. But this year, I couldn’t ignore it and I blame the console in the kitchen and the mirrors hanging over it.

See, each year I tend to put the same decorations in the same place. This year, though, I switched things around. I recently hung some mirrors in the kitchen so that we’d get outdoor light reflected in to what is our cave for an apartment and cleared a lot of stuff from the top of the console. With the space I created, I found a new home for some of the decorations and I ended up really liking the display I made. I took a step back, pleased with what I saw, and yet, despite the pleasure, the look reflected back at me in the mirrors was telling me something different.

I had no one with whom to share that particular moment. As excited and giddy as I was, I asked myself, “For whom are these decorations?” I originally got them because each year I would throw a party but that stopped a good 5 years ago. And though I still keep putting them out, I looked in the mirror and asked, “So what?” I might take great pleasure in the festive way the place looks, but there’s something missing. There’s a sparkle to these decorations that has faded, a sparkle that I see in the decorated homes with kids. This realization, or a more mature way of putting it is this acceptance, makes me feel a little lonely.

Siblings, Jesus and a Funeral

10.10.2010

Attended a funeral yesterday of my mom’s really good friend… I sat in church with my sister and waves of tears would come over fueled by memories of this friend and my mom. She (my mom) moved two years ago to Eastern Europe putting an even deeper schism in what was left of my family. I know that Rob is my nuclear family now but sometimes, it would be nice to have the entirety of my former nuclear family nearby.

While we waited in line at the funeral to hug the friend’s sister, my sister turned to me and said, “You better live forever” to which I promptly responded, “Uh-duh. The same goes for you. And it’s promise we must fulfill because we’ve said it in front of Jesus.” We both chuckled, eyes welling up.

With my mom so far away and the opportunities to see her being so few and far in between, I feel even more lucky to have my sister with me. It then got me thinking again about the pluses of having a sibling. It’s apparently not enough for me to sit on a teeter-totter on the issue of whether or not we should have one child that there is also the issue of if you do have a child, do you only have one?

Great. I’ll have to start another blog. Sigh…

Not in the Baby Club

10.09.2010

I really wish people would stop with their condescending attitude toward me when it comes to kids. Obviously, I don’t have them and, obviously, there are things that I won’t understand. But I’ve been a full-time and/or part-time teacher for 10 years, I started baby-sitting when I was twelve, and I’ve had a job as a nanny. I think that should count for something when it comes to knowing a thing or two about kids. So stop with the patronizing pat on the shoulder and the arrogant smirk. I’m not part of the “club” and when and if I am, trust me, I won’t want to sit next to someone so superior to me at lunch because I’ll be the one in the sandbox building sand castles or playing a pirate dodging in and out of the toy jungle. Like I’ve always done.

"Dad's Life" - A Video Parody

10.08.2010

I had a different topic for today but I came across this video and I absolutely had to share it especially because I feel that father’s aren’t represented enough as parents. This is hilarious – enjoy!

They Call Me Mister Fry

10.07.2010

I wanted to put up one last education-related video; however, They Call Me Mister Fry isn’t a movie but a one-man play so it doesn’t have a trailer. What there is up on YouTube about it is kind of, uh, not done very well, in my opinion. The video that’d be equivalent to a movie trailer drags and I don’t think does it justice.

The play stars Jack Fry who re-creates his experience as a first-year teacher in an urban elementary school. I usually don’t look at or read reviews but for those who care, it has received good ones including multiple rave reviews from audiences. Fry has performed this show all over the nation and will be in town this weekend on Sunday, October 10^th at 3 pm and on Sunday, October 24^th at the Fanatic Salon Theater in Culver City.

Here is the website for more information: www.theycallmemisterfry.com.

Pressures to Succeed Becomes a "Race to Nowhere"

10.06.2010

“In America, if you don’t earn a lot of money, something went wrong.” – Student.

“How do you expect us to do well when you can’t even make mistakes?” – Student.

“Produce, produce, produce.” – Teacher.

“I think the United States needs to rethink how we do schooling. The economic future of the country depends on our addressing this.” – Adult.

“We need to redefine success for our kids.” – Adult.

Keeping Racism Alive in Education

10.05.2010

When the first Europeans arrived, they raped the land and killed Native Americans, the people they perceived to be the enemy.

Then the Europeans brought over slaves to do their work for them while reaping the profits. Hatred for the black person grew.

Men feared women for a number of reasons and did what they could, by law, to suppress them in every way possible making sure that a woman knew her place was in the kitchen and with the children.

The Chinese and the Irish were soon feared, despised and killed but not before their services were used to build the Transcontinental Railroad. During this time, the blacks and the Irish were very good friends resolved to living in the slums. Though the minute the Civil War ended, the Irish would now compete with blacks for jobs and so they turned against their neighbors.

At the turn of the 20^th Century, Italians were now despised and white people's hatred for blacks continued. Eugenics was brought into American culture too where minorities, the mentally disabled and anyone else perceived to be “different” was sterilized under the auspices that “white is best."

By mid-century, Latinos have entered the equation and not because of their spot in America’s economic wheel but because hatred toward them now was going strong.

Today, all of these emotions toward these different ethnic groups still exist except for maybe the Irish and Italians. Funny thing. What’s the color of their skin?

The Cartel - Trailer

10.04.2010

“Education is a business that has a monopoly. When you have a monopoly, you can whatever you want.”

“It’s a sad scene but they’ve been pimping on children for a long time."

http://www.thecartelmovie.com/

Withering Away

10.03.2010

I’m a firm believer that if you want to see someone’s true colors observe him/her when he/she doesn’t realize that he/she is being watched. You can see a lot about that person such as whether or not he/she is truly happy, whether he/she is worried about something, or if the person wishes that his/her life turned out somewhat differently. I don’t often get a chance to catch someone I know in this kind of a light but whenever I do I pay close attention to see if I can figure out the essence of him/her.

Recently, I had this chance. I have seen this person over the past 15 years slowly wither away. He was once very handsome with a great personality but as time went on and his kids grew older, his relationship with his wife deteriorated and you could see that his body physically began to change with his shoulders hunched forward as if a heavy burden was pulling him down. I know that currently and for the most part he’s on speaking terms with his wife, but in that fleeting moment that I saw him walking, I could sense such deep sadness surrounding him.

I know that he never wanted to live the way he lives now but his wife would have nothing different. I know that he’d want a bigger living space for his family but they’re out-priced in the area that they live in and she refuses to move, so they live 4 people in a two-bedroom space. The wife’s unwillingness to compromise on many issues has worn this man down. You could see that he gave up a long time ago and now is an empty shell going through the motions.

This greatly saddens me and it is one of the very things that scares me about having kids. Rob and I have a great relationship but even the best kind can get worn down especially if there’s a communication breakdown. I think about this guy’s kids and how both of them are growing up without a father. Yes, he may physically be there but he’s vacant emotionally and spiritually. I know what that does to a girl from personal experience and I can only imagine what that can do to a son. These examples that he sets for his kids will be repeated in future relationships that his kids have and it’s unfair. I just wish people were more honest with themselves.

Moments Fade In, Moments Fade Out

10.02.2010

Today was the Lithuanian Fair. What always hits me is seeing kids grow up, become teens, and young adults, and eventually party like we used to. It’s like watching a movie of my life play out right in front of me only with different stars.

Last year I had an absolute blast. That’s not to say I didn’t have fun this year; I did. But I didn’t drink as much and my circle of childless friends has grown smaller since then. The kind of fun to be had now is on a different level. I don’t hang out at the bar anymore and I’m not looking to find out where the after-parties are going to be. Not that I did all that last year but just…this year seemed emotionally different.

I must admit that throughout the day I felt pangs of desire to have a family. I watched mothers with their little ones go to the “kid’s fun zone” or carrying their very little ones around or pushing them in a stroller and, well, I felt left out. There was a moment where Rob got “attacked” by our friends’ two kids and they kept jumping on him and asking him to give them a piggy back ride (together, mind you) and pretend they were different superheroes and/or villains. It was wonderful watching Rob participate and engage these kids and I momentarily caught a glimpse of a possible future.

But as I sat there watching and observing moments in time pulse in front of me, I also couldn’t help but be saddened though I’m not really able to identify why. Is it fear of the fact that in order to have a child I need to give up the only reality that I now know that is masked in sadness? Is it fear of the fact I may one day regret the decision to never have kids that is masked in sadness? Or is it fear of the fact that I feel alone and that no one can make this decision for me that is masked in sadness?

Those moments that I observed faded in and out like a movie across a screen only that the movie is a one-of-a-kind, for my eyes only. The story, the sequence of events, and the interpretation is written, edited and directed by me. How many stars I want in it is all up to me. Who knows where next year, at this time, this one-of-a-kind movie will have taken me. Part of me eagerly awaits while the other wishes the book were written first so that I could just flip to the last page and find out.

Waterpik's SinuSense Products

10.01.2010

I attended an event today put together by Waterpik who were marketing their new products called SinuSense ™. These products are used for clearing the sinuses to help manage allergies or just to help maintain sinus health. The discussion was particularly angled at moms with kids who had allergies.

I am always for anything that focuses on preventative measures to keep one healthy or for what tries alternatively to keep you in or get you back to health. A few months ago I was sick and one of the recommended treatments for my mild sinus infection was using a nasal cleaner that could be found in the baby section. This particular item became the first baby product I ever bought for the house. I’m so proud, can’t you tell?

Anyway, here are the four items presented to us:

1. Water Pulsator (for ages 6 and up; battery operated) - $39.99

The benefit to this is that it's battery operated (so boys will love it) and the water flow is controlled by the push of a button. Also, you don't have to tilt your head to the side like you do with others.

2. Squeeze Bottle (For ages 4 and up) - $14.99

You don't have to tilt your head with this one either and you control the flow of the water by squeezing the bottle.

3. Neti Pot (For ages 4 and up) - $14.99

You have to tilt your head with this one and the water flows by gravity. There's a little hole that you close with your finger and when you release your finger, the water flows.

4. Neti Bottle (For ages 4 and up) - $14.99 [and my favorite pick]

This is used the same way as the Neti Pot only it doesn't have a handle for you to hold so, to some, grasping it is a bit easier. But the idea is the same; gravity pulls the water once your finger releases the hole.

Nationally, Walgreens and Walmart sell them and, locally, most likely, the big chain stores like Vons or Ralph’s would have them. But you can, obviously, purchase these off of Waterpik’s website at www.waterpiksinusense.com.

By the way, you can share the actual bottle with (a) family member(s) by purchasing separate nozzles.

I highly recommend investing in one of these because sinus irritation is common and is so easily preventable. I plan to get in the habit of cleaning my own after brushing my teeth so that it becomes part of my general maintenance routine. Once that’s established, if we ever have a kiddo then they’ll watch and learn, as I’m sure we’re all well aware of how important it is to start teaching healthy habits early.