They're Moody, Dramatic and Amazing

11.30.2010

I’m going to come off smug today. OK, especially smug. I know that there currently are parents with little ones who find it difficult to believe, let alone accept, that their sweet, little, perfect angel will, in about 10 years, become a ball of unrecognizable hormones who will be capable of inflicting (emotional) pain (to his/her parents). I’ve seen more than one set of parents be in complete denial of the reality of who their child is and it’s not pretty. There are aspects of working with teens that I love but they are teens. And just because they’re your teen, doesn’t make them completely innocent and angelic. I value those parents who see and accept their kid for whom they are, the good and the bad. Because, dear parents, teachers see it all.

I read an article in Sunday’s, LA Time’s Parade Magazine about teens.[1] And now to be more smug, most of the info wasn’t news to me, having taken an adolescent psych class before but, nonetheless, it was an informative read. One of my favorite scientific discoveries from the past 10-15 years is that our brains continue to develop into our mid-20s. No wonder it wasn’t until my late 20s that I decided to get serious about my life. Up until then, my brain wasn’t capable of doing so (for the most part).

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the article but, one more thing, before I continue: Those of you with kids, keep in mind that none of us are immune to the following sentiments or incidents:

“I would rather give birth to a baby elephant than raise a teenager again. It would be less painful…I cannot believe that my darling, sweet little girl has turned into a 16-year-old stranger who just wants money from me all the time.” – Renee Cassis, NY.

It’s not “only the rebellious kids who suddenly turn on us…When my friend’s son – a straight-A student and all-around sweetheart – recently ended up in the hospital getting his stomach pumped because he went out drinking with friends for the first time and had no clue how much was too much, that’s when I realized: There is just no predicting.” – Judith Newman (article’s author).

“When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole, until he reaches 16…at which time you plug the bung hole.” – Mark Twain.

I believe that, as parents and anyone looking to be a parent, you do yourself a disservice to not educate yourself on the biological changes that occur in teens. And I don’t mean the obvious (periods and erections) but I mean the changes in brain chemistry. Knowledge is power. Teens need to learn their lessons and appropriate punishment should be given but if you know what’s going on physically, then it helps to understand from where your kid is coming. Teens don’t have that part of their brain that registers “consequences” developed yet (it doesn’t fully form until your mid-20s!), so if you keep that in mind, you can take some extra time and figure out a way to explain the consequences that happened after a bad decision was made. Teens need to understand and they can understand, it just takes more time and patience.

Then, once that’s done, consider investing in some good winery’s stock for a few years and pour yourself and your spouse a glass and count the days until college or he/she moves out.

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[1] http://www.parade.com/news/2010/11/28-inside-the-teenage-brain.html

To Know or Not To Know

11.29.2010

As part of my baby shower conversation with Rob the other day, I asked him if we were expecting a baby, would he want to know the gender. He, of course, did what many men do and immediately returned the question for me to answer first. My answer makes me look insane. I will attempt to explain.

I’m glad that medicine has advanced and that we can find out the sex of a baby because, yes, it helps to know while preparing for baby’s arrival. But, this kind of knowledge, I feel, takes away an element of mystery. I think it’s fun to spend time guessing, partaking in all the old wives tales and games to try and figure it out, to sit and wonder what life would be like with a girl or a boy etc.

I also understand that parents have an option of not finding out so you can keep that element of mystery. But see, this is where I turn the crazy corner. It bothers me that the doctor knows. The doctor becomes the only person on the entire planet who knows the sex of your baby. I feel like no one should know or everyone should know. (See, my “all or nothing” mentality rears its ugly head.) It really irritates me that the doctor would know something about me for 9 months.

Rob, by this point, grew annoyed with me and said, “Fine, we’re finding out then.” So there you have it: A woman’s debate within her multiple personality settled by her husband’s impatience.

We’ll be finding out the sex of a baby should I get pregnant.

Then I can be annoyed for 9 months that there’s no element of mystery.

Five Children Kept Hidden

11.28.2010

I came across an article today on Yahoo! that made me shake my head and proves, once again, that any idiot can have kids. And not just one kid but five.[1]

A couple was found in Pennsylvania hiding their five children. What makes this story amazing is that they weren’t living in an isolated part of town and, yet, still managed to keep their kids away from people. They had neighbors who, for 13 years, never knew they had a child let alone five. (Their eldest is 13; the youngest is 2.) Apparently authorities were tipped off several times that there was child neglect happening but the father was consistently uncooperative and, thanks to bureaucracy, it took this long to cut through the red tape and get a warrant (though a family member’s urging for action helped greatly once seeing the condition in which the kids were kept.)

The family was living in disgusting conditions with no water, heat or other utilities. No heat? In Pennsylvania?! I’m sure the parents will be found to be mentally unstable.

I know that we can’t start implementing restrictions on who can or can’t have children. But I don’t understand why those people who really shouldn’t be having kids keep having them. One child can be considered an accident, I guess. But why do these people keep having one after the other? There are now 5 more souls on this Earth who are stripped of anything and everything they know and have to start over. Their “old world,” of course, was abusive but tell that to a little kid who only wants his/her mom. These kids are now in foster homes probably separated from their siblings, scared and confused. Why do people do this? Why?

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[1] http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101128/ap_on_re_us/us_hidden_children

Baby Shower Etiquette

11.27.2010

I heard from a friend some time ago that women don’t have baby showers after their first child. Shocked, I asked, “Why?” because this doesn’t make any sense to me. She explained that it’s not proper etiquette since one shower should be enough.

I remember when the little boy was born for the family for whom I babysat while in college, the mom said she wished that she had a shower because their first kid was a girl and they had all this stuff that was incompatible. I suppose it is for this reason why it’s safest to collect unisex clothes unless you’re sure you’re only going to have one child. But limiting it to just one shower seems unfair.

Rob and I discussed this issue today because I wanted to get his opinion on the matter (since men care so much, right?). He said he thought that it was mostly about the woman. Here’s a summary of what he said:

When a girl reaches the age of 16, she gets a Sweet 16 party. (I didn’t.) And that’s a party to recognize her leaving one stage of her life and entering the next. Then, when she’s engaged, she gets a bridal shower to welcome her into the next stage, which is then eventually followed by a baby shower. When a woman has a second child, she’s already had the ritual of being “showered” into that phase of her life; therefore, there’s no need for another one.

That makes sense and I can see that. I googled whether or not one could have more than one shower and it seems like many comments out there are asking, “Why not?” Hell, that’s what I ask. While one may not necessarily register for the big ticket items like strollers, cribs or car seats, I think it’s still important to get new items for the second child. Even if there’s one-year difference, I doubt many parents keep bottles around, newborn clothes or swaddles. I think each child should be celebrated (even if I believe we’re overpopulated).

As I told Rob, if we decide to contribute to the overpopulation of the world by having more than one child, I will most definitely have more than one shower. I follow etiquette on certain things but I won’t be on that.

Dedicating Your Life to Just Your Kid

11.26.2010

My second year teaching, I had a student whose mother was a “stay-at-home mom.” She got involved in any classroom-related activity, was very nice and sweet, and I appreciated all she did for me. However, even at that time, I wondered what she was going to do once her son left the house. She dedicated her entire life to just her one child, doing nothing else and living for nothing else.

When you teach, it opens up your eyes to a lot of different things. Not only is it amazing birth control but dealing with children and then dealing with their parents gives you a really good psychological edge in life. At least, that’s what I believe.

A woman like the mother of my student scared me immensely at the age of 26 and, frankly, still does. What does a mother like that see when she looks in the mirror 18 years after her child is grown and moved out of the house? What does a mother like that see when she looks at her husband and doesn’t recognize him because he’s carved out a life for himself to accommodate his wife’s dedication toward just the child? What does a mother like that do when her child walks out of the house and starts to live on his/her own (if he/she does at all because the umbilical cord was never quite cut)? The sadness that I imagine is too much.

What is that healthy boundary? I like what Rob’s parents did by trading with other parents. One weekend they would take friends’ kids so that their parents could have some alone time and vice versa. Rob’s parents took care of their own kids but they always made sure to teach boundaries, that adult time was adult time, no exceptions. And this started from when Rob was just born. I like that. I realize now, writing this out that that’s exactly what Rob and I would do. So I guess the key is to keep that line of communication open with your spouse and expresses what you need. I don’t have to raise my kids in a closed-off environment much like my mom did and I certainly don’t have to block off help. If I want a weekend away, I’m going to take it. I always have and I don’t see a child stopping that and, as a matter of fact, it shouldn’t because I don’t want to forget who I am or who I am with Rob and realize 18 years later that I missed an entire life with the man I love and with whom I chose to share my life’s journey. Because, once the kid(s) leave, it’ll be just the two of us again and I don’t want to be strangers.

Remembering to Thank

11.25.2010

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and their families! I hope we take inventory of all the little (and large) ways we’re blessed and remember to keep things in perspective.

To those of you with children, cherish them and thank them often for bringing all the joy that they do into your lives.

To those of you without children and not by choice, be thankful you have a partner who shares your struggle and on whom you can lean. I hope you get your wish but if not, remember there are many children in need of love and care.

To those of you without children and it’s so by choice, I’m sure you’re thankful for many things and I hope you express the thanks often and find other ways to share the love in your heart.

To anyone without kids but like I, who is on the fence, I hope you’re thankful for this retrospective journey. If you’re anything like me, I’m thankful for being given the time to weigh the options, to see different perspectives, and to be given whatever time I need to think. I’m thankful because, if I have a kid, I feel this journey will help me be a better parent.

TV and Little Kids

11.24.2010

I’m curious what parents think about TV in general and “educational” television. We didn’t own a TV until I was 8-years old and then it was only because my sister’s dad and stepsister moved to the US from Lithuania and my mom felt a TV would help them learn English (which it did). But I didn’t grow up watching Sesame Street or any cartoons, though I don’t know how many educational cartoons there were back in the ‘70s and ‘80s. When I visited a friend last year who had a 3-year old at the time, we’d watch the Disney channel and I thought I'd shoot myself if I had to listen to one more high-pitched sing-a-along.

How do today’s parents deal with TV when the kids are little because I know it’s easy to prop them in front of the tube for free babysitting. What gets approved for “educational” purposes, what is used for “babysitting,” and what is used for “the hell of it,” if anything?

I’m quite against little kids watching TV…but I understand that that’s easy for me to say. Thoughts?

Holiday Struggles

11.23.2010

Each year, around the holidays, I feel more in limbo. There are certain routines and rituals I’m used to at this time of year because of what I grew up with but now, being married, and especially now with my mom living elsewhere, I feel like there’s no concrete routine or ritual in our family. We go over to Rob’s parents house, which is always fun and I’m lucky enough to adore them, so that’s not a problem. But I feel an emptiness in terms of knowing exactly what to expect.

Growing up, we always went to Chicago for Christmas. We always had a traditional, Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas was always spent at our cousin’s house with the entire extended family. How I miss those days! Rob’s extended family is all back east, so there's just a tiny group of us out here.

Last year, I made the traditional Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner myself and wore myself out. I wish I could say that’s the only reason I’m considering not making it this year but the fact of the matter is I don’t know if I can eat the food. Not only is it fattening, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system. So I’m finding myself deeper in limbo because I’m not sure I can continue that little bit of my childhood. I know that when you’re married new memories and traditions should be created but frankly, Rob dislikes the holidays, so any “tradition” that were to start would come from me. And I feel somewhat alone in that.

We can’t even have our fake Christmas tree anymore because of our cat who eats it irritating his medical condition. Well, there’s that and the fact that he and the other cat climb the tree. I don’t know if we could have a real tree, but I’d hate to spend money on one only to find out we can’t. So now I have to figure out what we’re going to use instead…if anything at all.

This is where I think having a kid would help the situation because you try to find ways to make this time of year special for him/her. You want him/her to have the same kind of memories you yourself had. But is that any reason to have a kid? So you’re “happier” during this time period? We’re each responsible for our own happiness.

I know this offers a blank slate, an opportunity to start our own traditions…but I’m not sure how to go about it. And I’m not sure how ready I am to put parts of my childhood behind me.

Not Sure How Much Planning Really Works

11.22.2010

While vegging out, I watched one of those baby programs on TLC. I don’t know what this one was called, maybe it was Bringing Baby Home. Anyway, I watched it because the personality of the new parents reminded me a little bit of me and Rob.

The woman, let’s call her Tina, described herself and her husband, who I’ll name Paul, to be very organized people. Paul, an accountant, spreadsheets everything. This made me laugh out loud because Rob’s reputation as the spreadsheet king is legendary in our family. He, meaning Rob, is also meticulous, organized and methodical. I, on the other hand, aspire to be all of these things. In my head I’ve reached this zenith, but down here, in reality, not so much. I have moments of clarity…but not as many as Rob would particularly like. Being organized is one of my favorite things to be in the whole wide world, and when I’m on top of it, it’s wonderful. I’m also one of those people who has post-its all over the house. Post-its with reminders, post-its with to-do lists, post-its for post-its. But then I forget to read them. See, I aspire.

But I’ve gone off topic. The TV show. The couple. They had all these things about their lives on a spreadsheet planned out along with the different ways they organized things once home from the hospital. This was probably the last time they had peace because when their baby woke up several hours after coming home, Tine realized that getting anything done was nearly impossible. The moment she sat down to have lunch, the baby woke up and cried. The next morning, she peeked in his room, saw that he was asleep, and decided to take a quick shower but the moment she turned on the water, he woke up. She said it was a real struggle to get used to a new way of doing things. She wouldn’t trade it for the world but it was definitely going to take getting used to.

It amazes me how a little baby can wreak so much havoc on people’s lives. And I say that endearingly. It doesn’t matter how many spreadsheets you create, how much you plan ahead, how many boxes you organize, that little baby is like a hurricane. A hurricane of love, but a hurricane nonetheless. I’m sure there are some things you can prep for but I’m getting increasingly convinced that it doesn’t matter how many baby books you read, how many classes you might take, with how many people you might speak, nothing can prepare you for your life with a baby. It’s all trial and error and flying by the seat of your pants.

What a unique and terrifying and thrilling experience it must be.

The Schedule Leaves No Room

11.21.2010

(I ended on a bit of a sour note the last time I wrote and I, of course, don’t believe that just naturally skinny people should be allowed to have kids. I had a weak moment…)

Obviously I skipped a day and as much as I tried to sit down and write last night, I just didn’t have the time. I had a 17-hour day yesterday and by 11 pm, I just didn’t have it in me. When it comes to planning a family, such a schedule concerns me, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Unfortunately, I’m happiest when I work on creative projects but the kind of projects I do require an intense amount of preparation, focus, and dedication. It really leaves very little room for children. At least in this stage in the game because we don’t have the money to hire a full-time assistant either for me or for a child and so I’m wearing all the hats in order to make the projects move forward. I can’t imagine tacking on mother to my list. If being a mother is a full-time job in itself, I ask the same question I keep asking, how does one have the time to do anything else?

A Yo-Yo Kind of Life

11.19.2010

I know I’ve mentioned before the issues that I have with my weight and though I’m not where I was eight years ago or thirteen years ago or seventeen years ago (the time periods I was extremely heavy), it’s still a constant, daily struggle. What comes naturally to skinny people, like taking two bites of food and eating no more, is war to me. I have to continuously monitor my need for food. Do I want to eat as a matter of actual hunger or because of an emotional instability? Every day, sometimes every hour, I have to ask myself a series of questions, haggling and negotiating like with a small child. It’s bloody exhausting.

Since July, I have been on one of two patterns: one week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. The next week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. Or it’s been: one week gain, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain, etc. Since 2005, I’ve been battling different health issues that, I strongly suspect, are contributing to this hamster wheel I’m on. I’ve been to doctors, I’ve had tests, and nothing irregular comes up. Getting older sucks.

This raises the issue that I hear a lot from parents who wait until they’re older to have kids: You lack energy.

I’m already having trouble maintaining whatever energy I have to do what I need to do when it comes to exercise and keeping up with my crazy schedule, and I struggle with the weight I’m at. I’m so afraid of being worse off physically especially when it comes to my health because of what having a child demands. My mom used to be a health-nut when I was little but by the time my sister was born all of that went out the window and we turned to fast food because of its convenience. I’m so afraid of choosing the easy road and losing my convictions because I feel overwhelmed. Then those feelings make me turn to food for consolation and instant gratification. Then this, of course, would set a horrible example to the child that would impress upon me even more guilt.

Ugh! What’s the point? Maybe only naturally skinny people should have kids.

Imagining Pregnancy

11.18.2010

I met up with an old and good friend last night who’s about 4 months pregnant and one of the most comforting things she could’ve told me was that it’s still hard for her to believe that she’s pregnant. I don’t know why I took such solace in that bit of information but I did. I tried to imagine myself pregnant and couldn’t. In fact, I think if I am ever pregnant I wouldn’t believe it, even with sonograms. I probably wouldn’t believe it until labor when, then, I’d be like, “Holy shit! Are you serious?!” Then, I’d probably recognize that there is a baby inside of me. I tend to compartmentalize my emotions very easily so I can see myself for 9 months acting cool toward the whole thing only to emotionally climax and have a meltdown during labor.

Yeah.

I’d be a mess.

Two Babies, Society and a Mystery

11.17.2010

Along with many others, I’ve been intrigued with the LA Times story that broke about a month ago where two women found the remains of two babies in an old trunk stored in a building in McArthur Park since the 1930s.[1]

I’ve been a fan of mystery books since a child, though I don’t read as much of them as I did back then. When I discovered Nancy Drew as a kid, I thought I’d found heaven. Then came the Hardy Boys, though, of course, they weren’t as awesome as Nancy Drew.

So this LA Times story inspired the latent sleuth in me and I began to write various stories in my head about what may have happened. I’m waiting for Hollywood to announce a movie about this and, when that happens, I will be greatly disappointed that I wasn’t hired to write the screenplay. Not that I could write a mystery-themed screenplay but, hey, I’m allowed to be disappointed, even if it’s unwarranted and has no grounding in reality. But, I digress.

In Tuesday's paper, detectives revealed that they found a cousin of the trunk’s owner, a woman named Janet Barrie, and the DNA matched to that of the babies confirming that they were, indeed, hers. Ms. Barrie’s life is a mystery particularly when she moved to LA from Canada where she trained as a nurse. She came out in the 1920s, lived with some women for a while in a building in McArthur Park and eventually became a live-in caretaker for a dying wife of a dentist living in the same building. During that time, Ms. Barrie’s sister speculated that she was having an affair with the dentist and would marry him once the wife died, which is what happened.

Although it may never be known if the dentist fathered the babies because no descendents or family members of his are on record, I think that it’s pretty easy to fill in the blanks.

Back then it was uncouth for an unmarried woman to have kids much less have them with a married man. It’s unclear if the children were aborted but it doesn’t look like they were killed once born. Whatever the case, it makes me think about how much pressure society places on people because it says how one should or shouldn’t live one’s life. This mentality has been a part of humanity’s history and it never ceases to amaze me how much of our actions and beliefs it dictates. I’m certainly guilty of this too, though I wish I could say I wasn’t. But society’s demand for women to be married in order to have kids and be accepted by it may have caused two babies their life. Makes me wonder…

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[1] http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-basement-babies-20101116,0,7126198.story

Long Day Warrants a Day Off

11.16.2010

I'm taking the day off. The thing is, I know what I want to write about, in fact, there are two topics I was going to spread over to the next day, but I’ve been under a deadline and my creative juices are all used up by this point in the evening. Come back tomorrow for what, I hope, will be a more interesting post. One thing I will say, though, the hours I’ve put in to meet this deadline are exactly why I’m afraid of having kids. Very long days and skipped meals or late meals…can’t do that with a kid… As Barbara Walters warned, “You can’t have it all.”

Mark Twain on the School Board

11.15.2010

“God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.” – Mark Twain.

…and I would add, “followed by anyone in politics who claims to have education as their top priority but conveniently forgets about it the day after elections.”

Work, Guilt, and You Can't Have It All

11.14.2010

I’m currently reading Barbara Walters’ memoir, Audition, and I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. It’s a rather thick book and all I think about is that it'll take me years to finish.

A few days ago, I came across her chapter where she writes about adopting her daughter, Jackie. I admire Barbara Walters on so many levels and grew up watching her on ABC’s 20/20 with Lynn Sherr (whose bio I read last year) and Hugh Downs, and Barbara was part of the group of women who trail blazed a path for women in journalism and the entertainment industry. So needless to say, what she had to say in this chapter on becoming a mother overnight was something I paid close attention to. She writes

…Is there a working mother on earth who doesn’t [feel guilt]? Mine was compounded in the sixties and seventies by the fact that working mothers like me were still a minority. These days the pendulum has swung so far the other way, toward work, that sizable numbers of mothers are leaving the workforce to stay home with their children. There is no perfect solution. Just exhaustion. And, my favorite word, guilt. I am known for saying that you can’t have it all – a great marriage, successful career, and well-adjusted children – at least not at the same time. It’s a bit easier today because there are employers who are more flexible, who may let you work part-time, and there are BlackBerries so you can work wherever you are, and there are husbands who will change diapers. But it’s still a balancing act and probably always will be.[1]

I obviously can’t relate to the feelings of guilt but I’ve certainly heard from mothers growing up and now friends who are moms that there is horrible guilt that comes with leaving a child behind to go work. I wonder if fathers feel the same way?

The sentence that really stuck out for me was that she said you “can’t have it all.” This is a fear and not because I happen to “have it all” now, because I don’t, but to not be successful in all areas of my life is what scares me. I tend to see more people abandon everything in their lives because of their kids. Marriages fall apart because the couple has stopped spending time with each other and/or there’s no advancement at work because the kids take up too much time and dedication. You can only focus on so many things at once and, when you have kids, they become your focus. If they don’t, there’s the possibility of contributing to their not being well-adjusted. It’s nice that Barbara made it a point to say that it’s slightly easier today with the changes in technology and that there are more men willing to step up with responsibility but the need for constantly managing a balancing act concerns me. But I suppose…that in of itself isn’t that different from how I live my life now. I may not have kids but I’m constantly balancing my priorities and not every part of my life gets 100% of my focus every moment of every day. And I’m well aware that success is something you have to work at and no one “has it all.” Nor do I think would I necessarily want that. Happiness is more important.

Looking at it this way, life with a kid doesn’t seem to be such a monstrous task. It’s just an adjustment and Lord knows I go through multiple adjustments a day. All you can do is your best, that’s all that anyone (should) asks for.

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[1] Walters, Barbara Audition: A Memoir, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2008, p. 170.

Maternity Clothes Exist for a Reason

11.13.2010

I was walking out of the market the other day and walking in was a very pregnant woman wearing extremely tight yoga-like pants and a tank top that was probably two sizes too small for her. I was grossed out and I don’t know exactly if this was because of her protruding stomach or at her choice of wardrobe that accentuated her protruding stomach. I’m certainly no fashion expert, but I would think that there’s a respectable way to dress. And something tells me that the woman wasn’t coming from yoga or, maybe, let’s say she was, I still don’t think she should’ve worn clothes that looked like they would be too small for her without being pregnant. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I think women should dress age-appropriate, body-appropriate and certainly pregnancy-appropriate.

Children of a Loveless Marriage, Amendment

11.12.2010

I wanted to clarify something in regards to yesterday’s post. I never advocate divorce as the first and most immediate option. I believe that in this day in age people are too eager to get a divorce. At the sight of the slightest hiccup, I find that one partner, or sometimes both, immediately split up. Though this might be a bit easier to deal with if there are no kids, I don’t think it should be a flippant decision. A couple owes it to themselves and to each other to fight for their marriage and, once kids come into the picture, they owe it to their kids. The first step, of course, is admitting there’s a problem and, I think, this is where most people get stuck. But once that understanding occurs, go to therapy, go to your priest/pastor or whatever or to whomever you feel you need to go to in order to save the marriage. Once all avenues have been exhausted and one or both person(s) still feel(s) unhappy, then part ways because, as I said yesterday, pretending does nothing for no one. Especially the kids.

Children of a Loveless Marriage

11.11.2010

I finished reading writer/director Nora Ephron’s new book, I Remember Nothing, and I highly recommend it. What I liked about it was its easy read, filled with humor, endearing moments and pure honesty. There is one issue, however, with which I disagree. She writes

But I can’t think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can’t kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, It’s better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage. But unless the parents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Children are much too young to shuttle between houses. They’re too young to handle the idea that the two people they love most in the world don’t love each other anymore, if they ever did. They’re too young to understand that all the wishful thinking in the world won’t bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn’t do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other.[1]

Though I agree that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, I’m confused by the advice to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

Rob and I have talked about this in respect to friends we both had growing up who wished their parents would divorce because it would, at least, bring peace. And when the parents did eventually divorce, and they always did, the friends’ reactions were somewhere in the vicinity of “Finally.” I haven’t yet met someone who wished their mismatched parents stayed together. The thing that parents forget, I think (and I take complete freedom to say the following without being a parent myself), is how perceptive kids are. You can’t fool them. By staying in a loveless marriage, you’re teaching your child how to behave, what to accept and how to settle. This isn’t fair to anyone involved.

My mom dated a man without ever sitting me down and explaining to me what was happening even though I caught every secret glance, every secret touch and every secret hand hold. Her excuse for never telling me was to protect me (from what, I don’t know) but what I learned was that liking someone was private and to be kept in the dark. And, in an odd way, something bad. I was ten and I didn’t understand exactly what the glances, touches and holding hands meant, but I knew that something unusual was going on despite her valiant efforts to keep the relationship under wraps.

I also knew, at age eight, when things were bad between my mom and my sister’s dad. I’m still unraveling the damage of those six months. Kids are sharper and more perceptive than adults give them credit for. They are also sponges for the knowledge that parents bestow upon them. I believe that staying in an unsupportive, loveless and devoid marriage is the path of least resistance with the potential for the most life-long emotional damage. You are also cheating yourself out of what is beautiful: love.

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[1] Ephron, Nora I Remember Nothing and Other Reflections, Alfred A. Knopf, 2010, New York, NY, p. 120.

Burping + Farting = Adorable

11.10.2010

A friend of Rob’s recently had a baby and left the following message on her FB status:

“JULIE POST: loves this burping farting little buddy.”[1]

We both thought it was cute and I’m sure no matter how noisy, how stinky, how colorful the bodily function may be, one’s child is perfect.

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[1] The friend’s name is changed.

The Road Less Traveled By

11.09.2010

I know that most of us fear change. Habit, however good or bad, gives us comfort and stability. I’m no stranger to being a creature of comfort. What I’m also no stranger to is fierce and radical change.

I think I’m the only person I know who’s lived in the same place for 27 years except for maybe my grandmother but even that’s questionable. I also think it’s strange for a child to live in the same place he/she grew up instead of a parent raising a family in one place and staying there until an assisted living-type of situation occurs or death.

In 2006, Rob and I discussed moving and even went house hunting on and off for two years but despite my occasional interest in a house, there was much resistance on my part. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? (Notice I said, “my.”) Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Are you serious?

When I quit my job two years ago, we still looked around because the hope of me finding another job was still high. But the economy tanked and I’ve only had a few temp jobs. Needless to say, we stopped looking.

About 12 months ago, an emotional shift within me began to grow. I realized a few months ago how stagnant I feel. I also feel that Rob and I can’t grow emotionally as a couple if we continue to live here much longer. I grew up in this apartment. My family was raised. My memories are embedded in these walls, and it doesn’t matter how many times I change their color or repaint them or rearrange the furniture, the tentacles of my past restrain me.

I’ve reached a point where I want, where I need some sort of a major change. I swear I do everything backwards because couldn’t this realization come to me three years ago when I was working?

Earlier today I found myself meditating on this topic of change particularly as it pertains to work. The notion of “change” led me to think about a friend who’s pregnant and another who went into labor today. I thought about pregnancy and how that would certainly classify as “major change.” This made me think about the growing baby in my friend and caught myself with a smile on my face instead of the usual look of repulsion I have. Pregnancy and the physical change it produces still terrify me but I was in a rare moment of vulnerability when thinking about it.

I don’t know what the future holds but I also know my pattern and when I seek change, it’s radical, it’s unconventional, and it’s almost always life-changing. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? Yes. Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Yes. Are you serious? Very.

Have a kid? “Break the rules, go with your heart, the world is wide and anything…anything…can happen.”[1]

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[1] Advertisement slogan, 1997.

Do You Get Involved?

11.08.2010

(Disclaimer: The following has not happened to me. It’s purely for discussion’s sake.)

We all know that kids say the darndest things and, I have found, that kids under 5 tend to speak whatever’s on their mind without much regard to the consequences. It’s their honesty that I find so special because as we get older we learn to hold back by taking all variables into consideration (hurting someone’s feelings, telling the truth might get someone in trouble, not wanting to explain things, etc). But, about the element of truth, sometimes kids say something that, I think, we wouldn’t really know how to react to. Well, let me speak for myself because I’m usually the clueless one and am curious to hear from parents since this is something, I assume, parents would know how to deal with (and I say that because they're exposed to kids more than I).

If a child tells you that someone at home is getting abused, do you get involved? Does the situation change if a kid you don’t know happens to tell you that? In other words, do you get involved only if you know the kid?

It Still Creeps In

11.07.2010

Today, I have nothing interesting to say. I was at home for the entire day working on a creative project that entailed me to turn our living room and kitchen upside down. I must say that I have the world’s most understanding husband. As he left this morning, I apologized for the mess and he replied lovingly, “That’s OK. Such is my bohemian life.” This made me love him all the more because, as I state in my “About Me” profile, there is never a dull moment with me, with the next whirlwind adventure always hovering around the corner.

But, to all this to kids… I’m exhausted. I’ve had about 8 hours of sleep since Friday and the entirety of what was last week kept me scrambling to catch up with time, which I failed to do. I have a number of projects going on at the same time and, though I’m not complaining, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be able to be half as busy with the kinds of things I love to do were we to have a kid. Everything is a give and take, yes, sure, and I know I’ve explored that. But I’m so scared that a child will take away opportunities for me to do the kinds of projects like what I did today. It’s that fear creeping in all over again…

The Relationship Is Not Ours to Own

11.06.2010

Two sentiments: some people come in and out of your life but will make an impact and children are only given to us on loan.

On an errand, I passed by the junior college I attended and memories from that era popped into my mind leading me to think about a close girl friend I had. We played on the volleyball team together and at a time when my other teammates shunned me she accepted me. That time-period was a dark one in my personal history and the iron wall I built around me made the others uncomfortable. But this friend looked beyond the wall and helped me along my difficult road back to life.

In the grand scheme of things, we were friends for a very short time, about a year and half, ending mainly because I couldn’t maturely handle working two full-time jobs, my transfer to UCLA and keeping up with the schedule we established like staying up all night (which sometimes included driving to the beach and crashing a private beach club, midnight runs to Rite Aid and the like). I stopped returning her calls thinking I’d deal “tomorrow” until that “tomorrow” never came and she pulled away completely. Still to this day, I miss her.

These memories prompted me to think about the sentiment that kids are merely ours on loan. We raise them, sure, but we (shouldn’t) don’t raise them to live with us forever. We shouldn’t have kids to fill a void in our lives but should have kids as an addition to the life we already have. The truth of the matter is, though, they won’t be there every day, every moment for the rest of their or our lives. They will one day walk out of the front door to be on their own and will leave behind the memories of the years gone by, along with the anticipation of new memories to come.

We become friends with someone because for whatever reason, paths crossed, there was a click and the journey began. But sometimes a fork in the road brings that journey to an end. That friendship was given to us on loan. In fact, one could argue that any friendship or relationship is just a loan and to accept this loan is a big risk, for better or worse.

Would I reject my friend’s friendship were I given an opportunity to go back in time knowing the pain I will go through when the friendship dies? No. I am a richer and deeper person for having had her in my life.

Nothing is permanent. Is it fair to reject the idea of having a child because of fear of pain (emotional or physical)? There isn’t one thing in my life that I would alter, either good or bad, because those experiences (still) shape me. A temporary experience created continual change. How different is having a child?

10 Reminders For Moms (Or Life in General)

11.05.2010

I came across this blog entry with the topic of 10 habits that happy moms do, and though it’s not revolutionary information, it’s always a good reminder…even if you don’t have kids. Reminders such as, take time for yourself. With any kid, my challenges will be #3, #5, #6 with the most challenging of all, #7.[1]

1. Find time for yourself

Happy moms know they deserve a little time to themselves. When you know you're going to have a little room to breathe later on in the day, it's easier to take on everything that's in front of you. Our formula? Take 2 hours out for yourself every 3 days.

2. Don't make a happy baby, happier! We all do it...you see your baby's head at what you're sure is an unnatural angle snoozing in their car seat. You just know they'll be happier if their head was straight. So you move them. And they wake up. Then they scream. Or, you see them playing happily in the sand. You just know they'll be happier if they played on the slide. So you interrupt them and move them to the slide. And they're angry. And they let you know they're REALLY angry. Here's the thing, they were happy. It can be hard to do, but if your kid's not complaining, leave them be! Happy baby = Happy Mommy.

3. Embrace the mess
So your house doesn’t look like something out of a magazine. That just means it’s cozy! Your children have hands coated in dirt from the playground and faces coated in spaghetti from dinner. It’s not gross—it’s an adorable photo op! Life is about how you look at things. Next time that pile of laundry that’s been sitting on the chair for three days starts to get you down, just remember… it’s probably feng shui.

4. Make time for your friends
Your family can survive without you while you make time to see friends. You are a woman with your own identity and its imperative that you and that identity go out for some margaritas once in awhile!

5. Stop blowing yourself off
While you may be the one taking care of everyone, it doesn't mean you can't also get what you want. Help your family realize your needs are as important as theirs and when mom is happy, everyone is happy, but when mom is not....

6. Get in the zone
Take 10 minutes to do absolutely nothing but rest. Take a break from your day, close your eyes, breath in slowly and deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat several times. Think about a place you love that is relaxing, spend 10 minutes there in your mind.

7. Remember your dreams and goals
 Everyday we are encouraging our children to reach their full potential. But sometimes in the midst of being a parent we forget about our own dreams and goals. The best thing you can do to encourage a child is to lead by example –happy moms hold on to their dreams and goals and don’t let go.

8. Be lighthearted
Don't be the uptight mom. Be silly and dance with your kids to their music or tv show tunes. Be romantic and pull your partner into a waltz. Dance in slippery socks in your kitchen while making dinner.

9. Bend the Rules
One of the best parts of making the rules is occasionally breaking them. Maybe it’s taking your child out of school for half a day on their birthday, or waking them up in the middle of the night to see a sky of shooting stars. Happy moms know how to turn the mundane into fun.

10. Mind your own business
Concentrate on creating your life the way you want it. Take care of you and your family. Don’t get overly concerned with what other people are doing or saying. Don’t get caught up with gossip or name calling. Stop seeking the validation of others and be confident in yourself.

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[1] http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/10-habits-of-happy-moms-2401511/

You're Damned If You Do And You're Damned If You Don't

11.04.2010

I read an article today with Cher who said that her two kids were resentful of her choosing her career over them when they were younger which then prompted me to sarcastically think, “Well, that’s great.” She said her eldest is pretty much over it but her son still harbors resentment. I certainly have my own issues with my mom not being around. So what’s the point? I mean, you try your best as a parent but then we selfish kids want nothing but our parents’ time and dedication while psychologists and others are saying that parents need to take time for themselves and each other. So whatever you do, you’re going to screw up your kids, right?

Makes me think of Susan Sarandon’s response to the question of how was she able to raise kids and work successfully in the entertainment industry. “You do your best and after years of therapy, you hope they forgive you.”

I don’t have kids and that immediately became my mantra. I guess that it’s true, though. Parents can’t be there for you every time all the time. And part of growing up is accepting that and learning from it.

All Magic, All The Time? Maybe.

11.03.2010

Ask and ye shall receive.

Since my post for Monday where I complained about our society’s seemingly endless focus on only the magical side of having kids, I’ve been handed the pause button so that I can take a good look around and stop being so picky with what I choose to see or notice.

After my language lesson yesterday, my student's little girl ran up to us, yelled with glee and ran back into the living room where she was coloring on large pieces of paper. In the living room, I found her mother with a glass of wine. She turned to me and with an exasperated look asked, “So how was your hour of quiet?” I chuckled and replied with mock innocence, “You mean your almost two-year old isn’t quiet?” She gulped down wine in response.

Their little girl recently discovered the art of shrieking and runs playfully from one room to the next while one or the other parent chases her desperately trying to explain that that’s no appropriate behavior for the inside. Oh, joy!

Then today, I met with a girl friend who has a 5-month old baby and asked her what would be something that, before the baby, she imagined would be one way and yet, surprisingly, was different whether it’s for better, worse, easier or harder. She thought for a moment and then replied that she thought her kid would sleep more. Of course, all babies are different (I apparently couldn’t sleep enough) but there are moms who seem to have all the time in the world to do whatever they want and she feels like she’s always racing against the clock. She reminds herself that each situation is unique and that this is the situation she was given, and that it's getting better. Obviously, this isn’t something you can plan for because you don’t know what your kid is going to be like until you have him/her, but see, this kind of information benefits someone like me.

It’s important for me to witness the love in these parents’ eyes when they look at or speak of their children but it also helps to know that, on occasion, a glass of wine is needed to deal or a walk around the block or sitting on the floor and having a good cry. I say this because that is probably going to be me one day and it gives me peace of mind to know that that’s ok, that there may be darker colors amidst the magic’s beautiful ones but, in the end, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t magical.

Women CEOs Who Are Moms

11.02.2010

A few weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal on-line published an article about women CEOs and 12 out of the Fortune 500 companies are led by women, 11 of whom are mothers.[1] This caught my attention because I’m constantly worried about what happens to women and their careers once they have children. It’s still hard to climb the ladder, as the article mentions, but it’s much easier than it was even just 15 years ago.

I’m somewhat disappointed that the article wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be though I couldn’t tell you what exactly I was looking for in it. Answers, maybe? But to what question(s), I don’t know. Maybe it was to let me know that it’s OK for a woman to want a career and to pursue one while having children. One CEO mother said that you have to plan on not having guilt about missing certain activities and not being there for every single milestone. She also suggested that, “When you walk in the door, you should be ready to say, ‘I am home now,’ and not check email until later.” This makes sense. You compartmentalize your life. Work is work and home is home. Each deserves your attention separately. I can buy that.

What a couple of women said is that being a parent has made their decision-making skills at work much sharper and more compassionate toward others in the company. BJ’s Wholesale Club CEO, Laura Sen, said that, because of her kids, she brought in employee wellness and weight-loss programs because investing in the workforce was important to her. She said that being a mom makes her “have a more maternal view in terms of how” people are treated.

The saddest part of the article, though, is that since 2000 women CEOs still make $0.79 on the dollar where their male counterparts make the full $1.00 and climb the ladder faster. Change in the right direction sure does happen at slow increments, doesn’t it?

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[1] http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/111055/the-corner-office-and-a-family?mod=career-leadership

All Magic, All The Time?

11.01.2010

I’ve been feeling inadequate lately and the main culprit for this is that I’ve been doing a lot of comparing of my life with others. I hate when I do this because it offers nothing good but, alas, I fell down that rabbit hole and now I’m dealing with it. (Or not.)

It seems like those with kids have all the answers to life. They’re always happy and life is lived for their kids, through their kids, and by their kids. This really makes me feel like a horrible individual that in order for one to be happy and content, one must have kids. We mainly hear stories of the fantastic, funny, imaginative, etc things that kids do and how all those things accumulated make a parent’s life so much richer. I, personally, would like to hear more stories of parents juggling life, their relationship with each other, work and time alone successfully. As magical as having a kid may be, I’m not so sure that it’s necessarily all magic all the time. But hell, maybe I’m wrong.